Yesterday was Melanie’s 11th birthday. She was born sleeping after 36 hours of labor where we knew she was already gone. I take the birthdays as they come and try to be gentle with myself. I try to give space for whatever I feel and do anything that I feel will bring me joy. Anything to avoid the yawning pit of despair I feel in my soul. I try to grasp the joy and peace that I have gained over the past year in my professional and personal life but none of it feels like it matters without her here. I never felt like I blamed myself for her death but the past few years I have felt that thought emerging from where I had buried it deep. Now that I am in a place with more stability than I have ever had in my adult life I have tried to tackle this trauma. The trauma of my daughter dying inside my body. I go to therapy every other week to process but no amount of processing will make her death OK. I know that there are good things in my life but today, just today, I can’t remember them. I struggle so much with how my loss is understood by others but how do you explain your world breaking in half to someone who has always been whole? How do I explain the depth and gravity of my grief now that’s it’s been 11 years? It feels like it was last week sometimes. If nothing else, I have learned to allow myself to fall apart on the days surrounding her death. To cry, wallow, and dissociate. Tomorrow will be ok but today, today I miss her. Today I will allow myself every unhelpful and dark thought. I want to scream at every one that my kid died to shake the impassive looks and generic platitudes. I would never wish this on my worst enemy, I say most days, but today I want them to feel even a fraction of the heartbreak and loss. I don’t want to be alone in this grief and maybe screaming would make someone stop and feel with me. This grief is lonely. Grief is love with no place to go. Tomorrow will be better.

Oh, thinking of you MellyBelly and your Melanie. Sending peace. It’s been ten years for me and I’m missing my daughter too.

I feel every word of this. Remembering your beautiful Melanie with you. Zia would also be eleven. So much love ❤️