I’m so sorry Sophia.

I’m sorry I wasn’t prepared to be pregnant. I’m sorry you had to suffer because my body wasn’t ready. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to carry you until you decided it was time so I could hold you. That alone will haunt me for the rest of my days. You were my first everything. My first baby, my first daughter, my first true love. It’s been a month now that I’ve been without you and the days are getting worse. Every night I read the books I bought for you and cry into the fawn lovey Gi-Gi and I bought for you. It’s not fair, you were loved and wanted why did we get punished? Your cousin was born today, which was also supposed to be your baby shower and I couldn’t go see her because she isn’t you. Anecephaly has become a dirty word to me. Something whispered quietly behind my back while people stare at me with pity. It’s become a curse, spoken lowly towards a god who was cruel enough to do this to someone who loved you so fiercely it hurt from the minute I knew you were there. I can’t even look at children who look like what I imagined you. Dark puppy eyes, long dark curly hair and the cutest dimples, just like your Daddy. It was a fight to have you from the second I found out, but I wasn’t fighting the fight I needed to, because I still lost you in the end. Now, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to continue on knowing I didn’t even get to say goodbye to you. I had to leave Chicago without you, with nothing but a print of your feet to remind me you even truly existed and it wasn’t some horrific nightmare.

I’m so sorry for so much, Sophia Roslyn. My little bunny.

I know this feeling all to well unfortunately. I blame myself so much for my baby being born at 22 weeks. I tell my baby boy that I am sorry that my body was not ready for him. He was my first baby and my true love and I’m so angry, why me? I have his items from the NICU with his scent along with other items they gave me and sometimes I just don’t know how to feel. I miss him so much. I miss his little hands, feet, everything… I wish I could hold him and kiss him again and tell him how sorry I am.