I dont know what to do. Today is day 4 after my baby was born. Samara my sweet girl was alive for less than three hours, she passed in my arms and i held onto her body for 24 more hours. Everything hurts. My first baby.. I was so happy when i found out i was pregnant. I bought so many things. Took classes. Wrote pregnancy journal so i can give to my baby when they were older. On my birthday it was our 19 week ultrasound. And i found out my baby had a heart problem. We also took amniotic test and found out she had turnes syndrome. I was told it was recommended to terminate but how could i do that when my baby was fully formed and so loved.. she would need 3 major heart surgeries, first one immediately after birth and she had such a low chance of surviving each one.. if she miraculously survived each one. Then she would have vision, hearing, lung problems or would need a heart transplant. I couldnt bear to think of having my baby taken out of me in pieces. But i also couldnt bear to think about not getting to chance to hold her and having her cut open and die alone during surgery. If she was to make it through everything.. she was so tiny..no baby should have to go through so many troubles. I wouldn't be able to live with myself with any of these option. Even now i feel so insanely guilty. Why couldnt my body make her heart the way it should be. She was so beautiful when she was born. So perfect. Youd think she was a healthy baby but i failed her. I couldnt keep my baby safe and that thought wont ever leave my mind. Im so sorry my sweet baby. Im sorry for not being able to keep you safe and not making your heart right. Im going to miss you for the rest of my life and im always going to be conflicted thinking on what was the right thing to choose. Im sorry for forcing you to be born into a world where you had no chance of surviving. I deserve how much pain im in and i deserved the painful delivery. I am so sorry but i loved you so so much, too much to let you be in anymore pain or let you be cut open.. i am so so sorry my sweet angel. I wont ever let go of your bear that you held onto. I wont ever stop looking at your pictures and i wont ever forget about you. Thankyou for showing me a new meaning of love, it was all for you. I loved every minute of having you in my body i wont ever forget your hiccups and your kicks, i wont ever forget your besutiful face and your hands.. its been four days but it feels like its been months. I miss you

Oh, Bea. I am so sorry for what's happened to you and your beautiful Samara. No one - no parent, no baby - should have to experience what you have been through. I recognize - and I know so many other mothers who have been here will recognize too - the feelings of guilt you have and the blame you are putting on yourself. The choice you had to make was an IMPOSSIBLE one. There is no way to know what is "right" because nothing is "right" about a baby dying. And though I know it is probably impossible for you to believe right now, you did not make Samara's heart not right. You loved your baby so much the whole time she was with you. When I was reading your post, even while I was feeling such anger over the unfairness that Samara couldn't live, I was thinking about how she lived all her life - every second of it - being so well loved. You couldn't save her but you loved her so much while she was with you and you will keep loving her. I know a stranger on the internet probably cannot say a lot to make you feel better, to alleviate your guilt - I think it is something we all deal with - but I wanted to say how from here, from someone who spent years thinking I'd made the wrong choices and could have saved my daughter, what I see so clearly in your post is all the love you had and have for Samara, how wanted and loved and cared for she was. I'm so sorry, beautiful mama that your beautiful girl is not with you. Sending so much love.