Hi all, my beautiful baby boy William was born sleeping about a month ago now and I am struggling. He was our first. I guess I am lucky to say I don't know anyone else who has gone through this but it makes it harder for me because I don't know how to cope. The days are long and filled with silence. I guess I am just looking for some hope. Some hope that the days will get better, some hope that the guilt will end and I won't feel like I didn't protect him anymore even though I was told I did nothing wrong. Some hope that we will have more children who will bring back some joy. Just hope the sun will shine again. This is a kind of grief that I never imagined I would have to deal with and just don't know how to.

Hi there. I'm not going to tell you that it gets better but it does change. You kind of live beside the grief rather than in the middle of it as time goes on. It is so early for you, I say this as someone who had a baby boy die in my arms almost 11 years ago. Since then I've had his sister and yes, I learned to experience joy again through her. The guilt still crushes me, the pain overwhelms me sometimes but I read something on here at the time that I try so hard to remember every time I feel myself dragged under and that was " I will not let your legacy be the destruction of me, you were too loved, too perfect, too wanted" I don't want to end this life and see my boy again having spent it in complete misery because he died. I don't want that to be what his existence ultimately means. This hasn't always worked and everything i do is tinged with sadness but I do things and I laugh and look forward to things. I never thought I'd do those again or want to. I'm so sorry you are going through this

Same, Danielle- you put it so well and how I’ve been able to carryon: " I will not let your legacy be the destruction of me, you were too loved, too perfect, too wanted" I don't want to end this life and see my boy again having spent it in complete misery because he died.

I try to live for him. And to be completely candid, I was suicidal at points. But I chose life.

It’s a journey- it will be 5 years this October. At a babyshower, which I’m now comfortable attending, one woman was retelling her story of her son who just turned 3. Living abroad, took an emergency flight, and delivered baby at 24 weeks. I had the same experience but my baby died when he was three days old. I excused myself from lunch and cried in the bathroom. It’s a lonely place sometimes. Even my husband just doesn’t go there emotionally anymore— the only one who went through this with me. Friends and family are well meaning, but I just didn’t get that support from them. And now making new friends along the way- I tell them, but it’s not a real source of support. I guess that’s why I’m here at midnight.

I’m sorry for both of your losses. And Naomi - it’s very fresh, and will be very hard, but I think you’ll be able to experience joy and happiness again. I didn’t think that would be possible for me, but I have rebuilt my life and am actually a pretty happy person these days. I went on to have two beautiful girls. I think about P everyday but today I very deeply mourned that P is not here on earth with us. Initially I wondered if it was jealousness of thr other woman whose baby survived and is thriving, but it’s not that. Just a painful reminder of what could have been, and the piece of me that will always be missing, and a yearning for what isn’t.