It’s been an unbelievable 7.5 years…..crazy that I’m even typing that. 7 years. Seems impossible. She was my first, my dream come true. We went in for our 20 week ultrasound and was told she wouldn’t make it. I chose to pray and hope they were wrong. I was blessed to carry her for 33 weeks. She died in my arms shortly after birth. I held her for 10
hours. I have flash backs of handing her to the nurse when I had to go home without her. I truly wanted to die and just be with her. I contemplated it but I couldn’t do that to my husband. The pain is excruciating. Still is. I’m so I incredibly blessed to have had two more daughters and they are my entire world. I don’t know what I expected but I still I’ll struggle every single day as if I just lost her. I’m so scared of burying another child that I don’t let my girls go with anyone and they’ve never been without me. Never. My mom wants Nana time and I just can’t let go. I could make up a million “what if” scenarios and that’s that. They’re safe with me. My precious second daughter was born on the same day, one year later. To have them share a birthday is bittersweet and extremely difficult. No one understands what it’s like to be a member of this club that I never wanted to belong to. I’m so blessed to have the most wonderful husband and
gorgeous babies but this is smile is hard to wear sometimes and there is so much hidden and shoved down. I have to go on for my beautiful family. I know I’ll see you again my sweet Dacy girl.

I came here tonight since it was Luke’s 7th birthday yesterday.

We also had a terrible 20 week ultrasound, but chose to deliver early. Something I regret and think about often.

Xoxo