This was a lot of firsts.

First time being on new medication amount (higher mgs).
First time actually ovulating. First time seeing a dark line on the ovulation test.
First time seeing a true line on a pregnancy test.
First time seeing “positive” on a digital test.
First time getting blood work twice in one week (I very much dislike getting that done).
First time telling my husband that we were pregnant.
First time telling our families the news.
First time going to an ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat.
First time feeling like happiness was coming my way after losing my mom 10 years ago.
First time looking at the genetic testing and being shocked to find out that my thoughts were wrong and it was actually a boy. Tears of shock and joy fell as I hugged my husband.
First time seeing our families faces when they found out the gender.
First time seeing our families show so much interest and happiness for the future.
First time at 11 weeks getting a good ultrasound that showed that our baby was growing into a “real” looking baby.
First time buying baby clothes and gadgets for him.
First time making recordings of myself talking to him to one day give to him.
First time being nauseous. A feeling I had never truly felt before.
First time thinking I was feeling him move, but not 100% sure.
First time finding a name both my husband and I loved.


First time knowing my body. Knowing that what I saw was my mucus plug.
First time calling the on call doctor. (Who told me to just call tomorrow because I wasn’t bleeding or cramping).
First time calling the doctor’s office right when they opened.
First time having pain on both sides of my uterus for hours off and on.
First time calling them again.
First time waiting for 2 pm to hurry up. (The earliest I could go in for an ultrasound).
First time driving to the 2 pm appointment wondering what was happening.
First time being in the ultrasound room and the ultrasound tech acting off.
First time being brought to my dr.’s waiting room by the ultrasound tech.
First time going in a room within 3 minutes.
First time waiting to scream at the nurse to tell me he was going to be okay.
First time waiting for my doctor to come in and feeling like it was painful to sit down.
First time hearing that there was nothing that they could do because I was only 17 weeks.
First time hearing that my body was betraying me and my son. (That’s how I heard it anyways. I was having contractions and going into early labor).
First time being told to go to the hospital.
First time calling my husband in tears telling him that our baby is not going to make it.
First time driving to the hospital, calling my sister in disbelief.
First time being checked into a hospital.
First time getting an IV.
First time throwing up in a mask.
First time feeling contractions getting dull and then worse.
First time seeing my husband in so much emotional pain for our baby and I.
First time my husband and I got to hear his heartbeat (and it also being the last time).
First time feeling defeated and giving in to getting IV medication to help the pain.
First time knowing that he was coming.
First time delivering a baby.
First time holding my baby.
First time being told (after only a few minutes) that his heart was no longer beating.
First time touching his tiny hands and feet in disbelief.
First time watching my husband hold his son.
First time talking about what comes next.
First time saying goodbye.
First time being held by my husband as I wonder how I could leave our baby there.
First time going home without him.


First time bleeding more than a week.
First time wanting to disassociate from my body.
First time crying for hours and hours.
First time feeling the most weak I’ve ever felt.
First time trying to make life better because he gave us the time to.
First time picking out his urn.
First time bringing him home.
First time thinking about where our family will get plots.


First time realizing that I am a mom.
First time wondering what that means now.
First time wondering if we will ever have children that will live a long life on this earth.
First time wanting a child more than anything in the world (and not in a way to replace him. That will never be a thing).

To my son,
I will love you forever. Nothing less.
I will see you someday and hold you in my arms.
But, until then I will hold you in my heart.

Such sad thoughts- beautifully expressed. Very relatable. I’m sorry you went through this agony

Such a familiar arc of excitement and joy followed by each tragic moment that was the end. I also delivered my baby knowing he was going to die. It was brutal.

Xoxo