Multiple TWs: sibling loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, pet loss, partner loss, infertility, self harm, suicide attempt

Hi, I am sharing my story in hopes of finding someone who understands. I have had a lot of loss back to back and I feel very alone. I’m struggling to do anything and it feels like friends or family just can’t understand and I end up being a burden. It all started January 2021 when my brother unexpectedly passed away at 37. Shortly afterwards, I had my first miscarriage. My boyfriend then left me, but I got pregnant again before he left (I didn’t find out until after he was gone). That was my second miscarriage. I was then diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Insufficiency. Severe. I was single so I consulted with multiple reproductive endocrinologists but all said I was not a candidate for egg retrieval and freezing as the POI was too advanced. They said my best chance was to try naturally. I was alone and grieving many losses, so I felt like I had to try and I ended up getting pregnant by a male friend of mine. That was my third miscarriage. Very shortly afterwards, my ex-boyfriend came back. I was naive to the reality of who he was and I let him back into my life, believing everything would work out. I got pregnant for the fourth time, and this one stuck. I had severe hyperemesis and spent my entire pregnancy either hospitalized or on home health, but my sweet little girl was always perfect. So active. My little miracle. I couldn’t believe it was finally going to happen for me… and it didn’t. She passed away around 30 weeks. Completely unexpected. No reason why. It took 5 days of being in the hospital having every method used to induce me. I spent 5 days in that hospital with her lifeless body inside of me. I finally gave birth to her, and she was obviously the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I won’t go into detail, but decomposition during those 5 days definitely occurred and it was hard to see her in the condition she was in. But she was still perfect. So much hair. She had my nose. She had my boyfriend’s feet. She was perfect. I ended up getting septic from retained placenta and spent another horrific traumatizing week in the hospital after her birth.

We finally got to come home, without her of course, and the only things that had kept me going were my dog (my soulmate of 10 years) and hope for trying again one day with my boyfriend. Within the first week of being home, my dog was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and was given 3 weeks to live. My boyfriend also told me he wouldn’t want to try again ever, and I even found out he told a family member he would get a vasectomy behind my back. But I was in the depths of immense trauma, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, put it aside, and did everything I could do for my dog. He died less than 3 weeks later. After he died, I self-medicated, a lot. Things were bad. My boyfriend didn’t want to or didn’t know how to deal with how much I was suffering. He left about a week after my dog died, and he blocked me on everything. He refused to see or speak to me. And very very long story short, I had multiple hospital admissions and suicide attempts, one that left me in a coma.

I gave birth to our daughter in January 2022. My boyfriend left and despite my desperate pleas (through email, as he blocked me everywhere else), he never even let me talk to him about our daughter. I struggle every day still with the fact that I cannot talk to her father. I cannot grieve with her father. In all the therapy I’ve done this past year, I have learned without a shadow of a doubt what he was and what he did to me - narcissistic and sociopathic abuse. It has happened our entire relationship. But still I long to grieve with the only other person who experienced her death and her birth with me.

A few months ago I found a reproductive endocrinologist who was willing to attempt to retrieve eggs from me. After two hellacious months of intense stimulation, no eggs were there. I now know for sure I’ll never have a biological child.

I say all of this to wonder if there is anyone out there who has had a stillbirth, whose partner has left, who is dealing with knowing they’ll never have a biological child after holding the lifeless body of one they had… I’m deeply struggling. I feel very alone, very hopeless. In a week it’ll be the one year anniversary of her death.

Hi Amanda,

I am so sorry for your repeat losses and your grief. Please know that your grief is acknowledged, seen, heard, and validated. You have obviously been through a lot. None of it was right or fair or good. It's not helpful for compare loss or grief because I have no idea what you are individually going through and I never will. We are alone in our own stories of grief and loss because they are so individual. However, please know that you are not alone in this journey you have to live even though you didn't want it. I gave birth to a sleeping baby girl on December 23rd, 2022. Her name was Lyla. My body is still trying to make sense that I am no longer pregnant but that I also don't have a baby in my arms. I am trying to reconcile joy and grief at the birth and death of my daughter. It's not fair and it doesn't make sense. The only thing that has helped is talking to other loss parents, reading about grief, and writing about how impossible it feels to keep living. How I long to just disappear into thin air every night. I cannot imagine not having a partner to grieve with you. I'm sure you feel lost and abandoned and let down. Please continue to reach out and talk and share. Grief this big, I believe, is never meant to be carried alone. Xoxo Alex