I’m still struggling emotionally with the loss of my baby. I was 20 weeks when I got my ultrasound and they said he had passed at 19 weeks. The fact I showed no symptoms confuses me. I was in shock and still find myself in shock. Its only been seven weeks since I gave birth and my doctor gave me the green light to try again. All the test they did on me and my baby found he died naturally and that I was very healthy, I’ve confused the doctors.

I am trying but I’m fearful of it happening again. It’s hard to find someone in a similar situation as mine that I can talk too. I’m trying all kinds of things to keep my mind busy but the fear remains.

I lost my right ovary last year and my left one is good but my mind is like how much longer will it last. I don’t want another cyst that took my right ovary away.

I want my baby back, it was my very first pregnancy and I wished things were different. Going into the holiday season only makes it harder.

Any advice or guidance would be appreciated, thank you.

And bless every baby soul that has ever been lost. They are our little angels always.

Ashley — I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I know how isolating this experience is, and I want you to know that I am here with you. You are not alone. I lost my son at 21 weeks. Like you, it was my first pregnancy and the cause of the loss is confounding. He was healthy, I was healthy, and it all makes no sense. It feels so unfair. I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing and for the fact that you don’t have the answers that you so desperately want. The holidays have made me want to crawl into a deep, dark hole. Just the thought of Christmas puts a pit in my stomach. I wish I had something really inspirational to tell you, but all I can say to you (and to anyone in this forum) is that you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts during this really hard time.

Take care,
Kirstin

Hello Kristin, thank you for your support and I’m sorry you lost your son too. I wished things were different for all of us to hold our babies and watch them grow in life. Thanksgiving wasn’t easy for me and I’m unsure how Christmas will feel like with the heartache growing.

My mind cannot help but think if there was just some way I could have prevented losing my son, I never saw any signs and I guess I let the stress of what I read online get to me.

I’d love to chat more with you so we can support one another during this hard time if you want to. Thank you again, your in my thoughts and prayers.

Ashley — I know exactly how you feel — searching for a reason and replaying every moment wondering where things went wrong. I know it’s so hard to accept, but the reality is that you didn’t do anything wrong and there is very likely nothing you could have done to change things. I know it doesn’t make this any easier, but do I hope that you can be gentle with yourself. Lately, I’ve been trying to find ways to relax a little bit and heal, but it’s hard. A couple of months ago, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in postpartum anxiety and pregnancy loss. It has been really helpful in helping me to cope with the grief, but I still find myself lost in the sadness and the worry about the future.

Oh how I wish that we were meeting on a site for first-time moms and not like this. It’s just heartbreaking.

I’d love to keep it touch, especially since we’re going through such a similar experience during such a difficult time. If you’d ever like to talk (literally any time!), please email me at kirst.kenne@gmail.com. I’m wishing you all the best, Ashley, and I’m sending you so much love.