Hope my words will not disappoint any member of this forum.
I lost my little girl a few months ago. After D&C and another surgery, the doctor gave us green light to ttc.
I am now in the two week wait, which seems the worst of all the two week wait I have been through.
I desperately think if I am pregnant or not every second, and I am just 4dpo.
I know, that's a bad thing to say, but I feel deeply that I have no future without my rainbow baby.
My life seems so meaningless right know.
Please, would you share where are you in the process of grief right now?
Thank you. Sending love.

Hi Sara
I am very sorry for what you have been through.
And that you lost your little girl.
I have been in exactly this position of thinking my rainbow would never arrive after my daughter died, before my new baby got here..
I don’t want to send you false promises but I want to send you empathy.
I have been there- it’s a terribly tough position to be in. I felt hopeless.
Every passing month is tough.
Hope is so hard in these situations but Im hopeful that life improves for you.
And so very sorry for the loss you have endured.

Hi Sara, your words feel like my internal struggle. I’m sorry for your loss. I got the green light to conceive and currently in my ovulating week. I can only pray things go differently and I give birth to a healthy live baby.

I too feel like life is meaningless if I don’t have my baby. This year I went through so many changes so quickly that when I got pregnant I worried the whole time because it was my first pregnancy. I never got to really enjoy the pregnancy and that upsets me. After giving birth I kept treating myself as pregnant then when I saw my doctor last week she told me the urine test was negative for not being pregnant. That was hard because my mind hasn’t caught up and I find myself still clinging on to the birth.

I have support from some family and my partner but they don’t understand how hard it is on me mentally. My greatest dream of being a mother ripped from my life as fast as it happened. And I fear if it happens again then was I ever meant to be a mother and my life feels over and done with. I’ve got only one ovary so that alone influences my mind to think it may not produce a healthy egg.

The nurses told me I’m still a mother, yet how can I say I am when I have no child in my arms. I don’t know how to feel some days. I sought out this forum in the hopes to find other grieving moms to help myself and them get through this and to support one another for a rainbow baby.

Thank you. Just thank you.
The emotional pain never goes away but I do feel protected here. I feel your empathy.
Thank you very much. Hope everyone of us will find peace and light.

Sara — I am so deeply sorry for your loss. This experience is horribly isolating and all-consuming. I am in a similar position, and I completely empathize with what you are going through. I lost my son at 21 weeks in August, and we recently started trying again without success. It’s such a terrifying process, and it’s made worse, at least for me, by the holidays and my upcoming due date. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I desperately wish I had a way to predict the future — it’s the waiting and worrying that really wears me out. And, of course, the grief. It sits so heavily and relentlessly on my chest that I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me for not being able to move on from it. I wish that I had some words of encouragement for you, but all I can tell you is that you are not alone. Thank you for posting and for helping me to know that I’m also not alone. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you peace during this time. It’s really scary, and I think you are tremendously brave for both holding on to hope and being honest with your feelings. Take care, Sara.

With love and solidarity,
Kirstin

Thank you Kristin, just thank you. I am so deeply sorry about your tremendous loss. And holidays are excruciating, it's true. I hope someone will hold your hand tight, to get through this period, and all of this.

I used to "see" my daughter in every butterfly around me; when I was experiencing something bad or just when I was thinking about her, a butterfly came up and I was so relieved..I know, just coincidences and my mind playing tricks. Now I "don't see" her anymore...and I feel so alone without her shadow. I am rumbling, sorry...just a bad day.

Thank you all, again. Wish peace, light and love will come for everyone of us.

I firmly believe in angels and they come in many forms. Butterflies are a amazing sign from our loved ones in heaven. While you may not see the butterflies right now, ask the angels and your baby girl to send you more or another sign they are with you. I’ve asked my son to send me signs in any form and I find signs on cars saying “boy mom” or “faith” when I feel down. I found a tiny feather in my bedroom and didn’t even know where it came from.

Your baby girl is always with you. 🦋

Thank you Ashley. I really hope so.
She will never be forgotten, but I hope to see her in some form next to me...