Early September I lost one of my twin girls. It was a mono mono pregnancy with cords as braided as challah bread apparently (I didn’t want to see the photo). Twin B had “catastrophic brain damage” (the exact words used) due to the cord entanglement where she would never see, hear, talk, swallow, walk… pretty much anything that makes a person a person, besides possibly the ability for the the most basic carnal action of breathing on her own. From what they could tell, the damage happened shortly before the emergency c section… which was devastating and guilt inducing for me.

My husband and I made the completely ruining and gut wrenching decision to withdraw care from our poor little girl. It was on doctors advice based on how completely devastating her MRI was and the life she would have.. No neural pathway was spared.

So it’s been two months or so. My survivor is home and doing well. Why am I not more of a wreck every day?! I have sad waves and moments, especially when I’m alone, of just feeling really sad. But on the whole, and from the outside, I seem ok. I wonder if my friends and family are wondering how I’m just… doing chores, finding joy in yard work, being excited about my 4yo’s school pictures. Why am I doing ok? Am I going to hit a concrete wall one day and just be completely NOT fine? Am I just being really good at distracting myself?

Worse… I have moments when I’m deep in the life of having a newborn and also a 4yo where I find myself actually relieved I don’t have twins. How completely awful am I?!? I feel like a monster when that thought crosses my mind, and then I start down the spiral of remembering how I was not really thrilled at my twin pregnancy at first and wondered how we would possibly do it, and I feel like I somehow willed this situation into being.

… maybe I’m not completely fine I’m realizing as I type that all out? But I still feel guilty about how, on the balance, I’m moving forward. Can anyone relate?

Oh my goodness SpecialK, this is so awful. I’m so sorry. This isn’t remotely near what happened to me, but 8 years out, there is one thing I know to be true. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is no timeline, no should or should not. There is just what you’re doing and it’s what’s right for you. You have a newborn and a toddler and you’re getting through life as you can. Someone here, all those years ago, wrote to be patient, gentle and kind to yourself and to ask those around you to do the same. It stuck with me like a mantra, patient, gentle and kind. I add loving to that and peace. So breathe mama, sending you all the patience, gentleness, kindness, peace and love that you need as you move through this new normal.

Oh my goodness AB. This is beautiful and exactly what I also need to hear. I’ll be coming back here often to read your message when I’m feeling stuck. Xoxo