My 4-year-old knows there was a girl named Nadia who was in my tummy, and who is her sister. And she knows that Nadia is not here, and that we celebrate her birthday. But just last night she started asking about whether we can call Nadia on the phone to see her, and I choked up. I just said we can't because she's not there. Soon we will come to the milestone of discussing her death. Much as it was a relief to share my grief with my firstborn who was there when Nadia died, I find it hard to impose this raw pain on her little sister. How did your conversations with rainbow babies go? How old were they when they knew, when they understood?

This is so tough Ana. I have a 6 yo and he’s known about his big sister Bean for years. I don’t think I’ve imposed any pain on him. And he doesn’t seem pained by it. He’s an emphatic kid so he gets that’s it’s sad. What worked for us was finding a way to include him in our family remembrance of his sister. We talk about how she died in my tummy and so we were very sad, because it’s sad. And we let him ask all the questions he wants: were you scared I would die when I was in your tummy—yes sweet boy, I was, but you’re here and I’m ok now; do you think Bean would like to race with me in the backyard? Yes, of course she would. Can I blow out the candle on her birthday cupcake? Yes, I think that’s a very good idea. Someone here also recommended the book My Perfectly Imperfect Family. Sending peace and courage because sometimes, answering these questions can be hard to do without breaking into tears, but even so, I emphasize how he didn’t make me cry, I’m just sad because I miss her.

Hi Ana,
I agree with what AB said, to include your living child in honoring the one who died and reassuring her that when you are sad it is not her fault.
We have a ten year old (he was 2 when his baby brother, Bobby, died) and we have a 6 year old "rainbow."
It was difficult when my older son would ask where his brother Bobby was and why we couldn't bring him home from the hospital. I was all-so-many-tears for quite awhile and my son would actually encourage me to cradle a pillow like I had his baby brother, he must have understood, in his way, about our loss and helping me to grieve.
Our rainbow enjoys writing letters to and drawing pictures for Bobby. Today is Bobby's birthday and we always do a little celebration where we all draw pictures of gifts we want to give him and burn them in a candle flame, sending them to the afterlife for him. Finding ways to celebrate Bobby's life that include the children help us all to cope with the tremendous loss.
I read on glow once that it's okay for our living child(ren) to see us grieve. It shows them how much we love the one we lost and lets them know that they are also loved so much.

Thank you both for responding to me. Everything you say makes sense, and yet... I was far more choked up with this than usual. Then I realised what it is: my youngest is now as old as her brother was when I was pregnant with Nadia. Her level of understanding is similar. By the time Nadia's next anniversary of stillbirth arrives, my youngest will be at that age when her brother learned his little sister has died. Yet another wave of things to unravel, another visit of my old friend Grief, and another attempt to understand its clutch on me.

Hi Ana-

I know it's been over a month since you posted, but I have wrestled with how to discuss this as well. Both my older children (7 and 5) talk about their baby brother, Luke, a lot. My oldest started including him on things he was bringing home from school- a family portrait, and a family tapestry he made in art class. It doesn't make him sad- it's just how he sees his family. Like the others said, I try to answer honestly any questions they have. And naturally, sometimes I cry (which is OK!). It was hard making him part of our conversation, but now that he is a part of it, it's honestly easier on all of us. His little sister (5) told me today that she was talking to her teacher about baby Luke and that he died. I think they were writing something in school about their family and she wanted to include her third brother. For her right now, it's more of a curiosity than something that makes her sad.

xoxo