Children were never in my future visions, but after accomplishing a few milestones, I find myself lost. This past year, I decided to take out my birth control, naive to believe it’ll take 7-8 months to conceive, but finds out, it really only took one menstrual cycle for me to conceive. I was terrified and unprepared to give up my professional life traveling as a career. But I still went on to share the news and happiness was an understatement. However, at 12 weeks, the baby was full of excess fluids leaning towards a heart defect. After a CVS procedure and numerous blood work, the baby passed at 13 weeks but mommy and daddy did not find out until an ultrasound at 16 weeks. I had a baby bump throughout the time the baby passed and I had to get a D&C procedure done. Seeing my belly deflate and change have become a hardship, but I never imagined how painful I was going to feel emotionally from this loss. And I’m so lost and confused on what my next steps are. I want a child but my sadness will forever remain for my little boy, we were going to name Bentley. My hearts hurt and I don’t know how to feel better.

I was in the same place when my baby died at 18weeks. The pain seems limitless and too intense for someone else to understand. Know that you are not alone. Just take one little step at a time towards a future that will forever remember your little Bentley tightly clutched to your heart yet see you happy again. Sending you rainbows and love.

21 weeks we lost our son. 2 weeks too soon for nicu. I got to hold him the hour he lived.
When mothers speak of seeing their child and knowing a new depth of love. I have that depth filled of sorrow. My dreams and plans burnt to ashes. I remind myself in these ashes new seeds are planted watered by tears. Good things will grow.
Any little step forward is good. Nothing is too small.
Being kind to yourself and partner is important.
You don't have to know what will help, it can change day to day.
Scented candles helped me ground to the present. I had bad flashbacks at first.
Limiting people I could talk to was important. Sometimes it was too much.
Finding things I am grateful for reminders of love that exists.
Crying without shame whenever I need to. It's okay.
I felt I needed to honor my son. He will always be my first.
Focus on today.