Sometimes I hold the stuffed bear your father got me and I wish it were you. Tonight I am. I thought that with time it would get easier, but day after day, and month after month, your absence from my life haunts me. I cry for the moments we would’ve had. To hear your heart beat, to feel you kick, to see if you are just as blonde as your father, to hold you to my skin, to hear you breathe, to clean up the messes, to watch you take your first steps, to hear your beautiful voice, to see if you have my freckles, or your father’s green eyes. I imagine what you look like, sometimes my mind shows me you. I dream of you. The dreams came more frequently months ago, now I can barely dream about anything. I see you sometimes, my beautiful baby, sitting in the grass picking flowers with your chubby little baby hands. The last time I saw you like that I cried for hours in your fathers arms. I don’t know if this is healthy, to imagine you the way that I do.

Sometimes I cry because I’m angry. Sometimes angry with the world, mostly angry with myself. I curse myself, thinking if only it was me in your place. I would give everything to get you back. I would trade places with you, my dear, if I was given the chance. I cry even more knowing that all you felt when you were inside of me was the fear I had of you. I hope you know, my sweet girl, I love you. I love you more than absolutely anything. My darling girl, I regret not telling you that. By the time I knew you were here you had already left me, and I think about how my feelings affected you. I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I don’t hate you, and I didn’t mean to lose you. I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared. My baby girl, I’m so sorry.

Sometimes, my darling, I spiral in my mind. I think about how I could be with you again. I could see you and hold you and prove to you that I am a better mom. I was terrible and I lost you and I will always hate myself because of it. You were just gone so quickly. So quickly, my darling, I couldn’t even say hello before I had to accept that you were gone. Not even accept it, because I don’t think I fully accept it now. I had to say goodbye too soon, my beautiful girl.

I cry thinking about when your father and I decide to have kids again. I cry knowing that every moment with them will still be moments without you. I will love them so much, but I don’t think my love for them will ever surpass my love for you, my darling girl. I cry knowing that your siblings will never know you. I cry knowing that I will never know the you that you were supposed to grow into. I’m sorry my sweet girl.

Mommy loves you Eden. Hopefully I’ll get to be with you soon.

Beautifully written Eden's momma. I'd like to think your baby girl knows you loved her, and still very much do. Wanting to do anything to save her, including taking her place, that is a special love. It's so very hard to think about the things that should have been. Wishing you strength.