It’s very hard for me to accept that my baby has been gone for 10 months. Im
not sure why but saying he’s been gone for 10 months seems like so much longer than he’s been gone for 9. I hate the way time keeps moving on, further & further away from the time he was here with me. Thinking about how long I still have to live until I get to see him again … makes me feel so small in all of its enormousness.

I saw a girl I know post a picture of her baby saying he was six months & it dawned on me…Although he’s been gone for 10 months, had he of not been born at 21 weeks & been born at Christmas like he was supposed to.. I would have a 6(ish) month old. That’s so painful to think about & seeing that babys Picture on Facebook .. was too much.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Knowing it was about to be 10 months has been weighing heavily on me. All kinds of memories of being pregnant with him at this time last year consume my brain. “1 Year Ago Today..” kicking my ass every time I open Facebook. Another cycle starting, confirming I didn’t get pregnant again last month. Recent changes in my household making my stress & anxiety amplified. I’ve felt so isolated in my pain lately. All of this on top of carrying grief around with me & missing my baby every moment I’m breathing.

Lately is also probably the worst I’ve ever felt about myself in my whole life. My apperance,my life..in ways & for reasons I could never explain. I’ve just never genuienly hated myself as much as I have the last month or so..& that tough.

So where am I 10 months into my grief ?? Not such a good place .. not such a good place at all. I’ve been waiting & waiting for something .. anything good to happen. Until suddenly I woke up & realized I’ve been waiting almost an entire year .. for anything at all to get better. And that is a long fucking time... 10 months is a long fucking time when you feel like this every day. Hopeless is probably the emotion I’ve felt the most of over the last few weeks. It’s hard to keep looking for rainbows when there has been so many days of rain.

But at the same exact time … I honestly never thought I’d survive this long. In the earliest days of my grief I genuinely thought the Pain of losing him was going to kill me. I wanted it to. And I truly didn’t I think Id live to see this year. So while thinking about how it’s been 10 months Is so sad.. I’m really proud of myself for nor giving up & continuing to fight & try every single day despite it all. But more I ooetsntt I KNOW jay is proud of me to. i say alive.. because I need to make him proud. He knows how hard this has been for me so even if it’s something small.. I know he’s proud of he for staying alive.

Life has been bruta to me for 10 long months .. but I still pray that there really are good days just around for corner for me. I try so hard to hold hope that there really is going to be a time when I get to experience real happiness again.
I hope one day .. a better happier day..I can look back on this as ”one of the dark times”. I miss my baby & no amount of time makes that easier or lighter. I just try to keep moving forward. Try my hardest to not let my sweet babys memeory fade from peoples mind with the passage of time. Keep finding new ways to honor him & include him in any part of my llife that I can.

I am sorry. Am dealing with grief myself, but wanted to respond so that you know you're being heard. I hope you have someone to talk to and that you don't feel alone.

What you have said is so relatable. It's been four months for me. Which feels like a lifetime, even though I really have a while lifetime to go without my baby. It's one of those things that unless you have been here, you just can't know. I met a mom who lost her baby 7 years ago and was talking to My mom about it. She said "7 years is a long time"
, and I didn't want to dive into it with her at the time. But when you have your whole life to go, 7 years in the grand scheme is unfortunately not but is at the same time. Focusing on our love and making the decision to live for my Julian is the thing that has saved me. It sounds like you are doing what you can to honor your baby, and that is a good thing. This is just such a hard road. Be gentle with yourself. You have survived.