Hello ladies,
This is completely unlike me. I'm the type of person who doesn't even share my feelings and emotions with people who are close to me. And to reach out to strangers and share intimate details of my life is something I don't think I would have ever contemplated doing but in my grief and desperation here I am. A little back story, I am 37 years old and married twice. With my first husband we both agreed to get our lives started with careers and what not. Children were not something either of us wanted. We divorced about 7 years ago. Through the last 7 years I had some pretty toxic relationships one of which resulted in me getting pregnant. Please no judgment but I wasnt in a good point in my life to be a parent. I was barely squeeking by financially after losing my second income, I didn't even have my own home as I was still living in the martial home and my ex husband was paying the mortgage until he got back from overseas and we could sell it. The biggest issue was the partner that got me pregnant was a horrible human being and I could not image trying to co parent with him. So I made the decision to get a medical abortion. That was about 5 years ago. Again please don't judge.

Fast forward..after the house was sold I was able to purchse my own place and got a promotion at work so things were looking up for me..I met a wonderful man 3 years ago. We dated and then things got serious and we moved into my house together. Just recently we bought our dream home together and decided to start having a family of our own. He has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. We both agreed to start trying for a baby of our own. After 3 months of TTC.. success we were pregnant. Everything was going fine until a few days before this last Christmas. After intercourse one night I has some slight spotting. The next morning full blown blood show. Went to the Er and was confirmed I had a miscarriage. I was able to do it naturally without the help of drugs or any procedures.

This is the worst thing I have been through. I could not stop crying I laid in bed for weeks just trying to process what happened and what I could have done differently and what was wrong with my body. Did I wait too long to have kids, was my previous choice to end a pregnancy coming back to haunt me like some kind of horrible Karma. I was 7 weeks although I am told the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. We decided after the loss to speed up our plans of getting married since we were just taught a horrible lesson that life is cruel and you never know what will happen. So we married in February. We had a nice backyard wedding which was helpful to give me something to plan and focus on instead of the grief

Fast forward...we waited the recommended 3 months to try again. And alas last month I had a positive pregnancy test. This time I was being monitored more closely so immediately had levels drawn. They were not doubling like they should. Dr was afraid of an ectopic pregnancy so went in for an ultrasound. And there she/he was where they were supposed to be. You could only see a yolk sac and small embryo but the sonographer swears she saw a flutter and my Ob agreed. Another level was taken 4 days after. I went down. I couldn't belive it. How had my number decreased. Since my first real ob appt was coming up decided to wait to talk with him. Maybe it was a lab error or vanishing twin. He was pretty certain I was going to miscarry again. Did another level check. Results this morning. Down some more. It's inevitable I will lose this baby too. I have a D and C scheduled in two weeks if my body doesn't do its job. But why should I bank on that when it hasn't done "its job" with both of these pregnancies.

I feel so completed devastated and lost. Why I keep saying...WHY!!?? I find myself being angry at everything. Myself, the doctors, my husband, every woman in my life that has kids or are expecting kids soon. I feel like my partner doesn't understand the gravity of this loss for me. This was supposed to be my second chance at being a mom. Maybe he doesn't feel as devastated bc he already has a child and so he never has to worry if he will ever get to be a parent like I do.

I know all these things are normal to feel. I just hate feeling them. Im so digusted with myself and life in general. And the waiting....it's the absolute worse. Not knowing if one day I'm going to go to the bathroom and see what's left of what I thought would be my rainbow baby floating in the toilet. ITS SO CRUEL to still feel pregnant when you know you won't be for long. And if I don't miscarry before my procedure how do I find the strength to walk into the hospital and allow them to take away something I've wanted so bad.

How do you get through something like this. I'm at a loss. Sorry for such a long post I hope that someone somewhere out there reaches out. The people in my life do not understand what I am going through right now.

I’m so glad you found this community. We are her to support you in any choices you make or have made and I feel with a great deal of certainty that nobody would judge you. You are experiencing a huge loss right after another loss and that is so painful. This is not karma and you are a good person!!! Please give yourself grace and allow yourself the time and space to mourn and feel what you have been through. I also just wanted to say that I think it takes tremendous strength and integrity to make the difficult decision to end a pregnancy when you knew that the circumstances were not right to bring a child into the world at that time. I think you’re really brave. Sending love and peace.

I’m so sorry for your losses, and can relate to many things you’ve shared. I’m 38 and had a chemical pregnancy last year, then a suspected ectopic where the HCG levels just hovered for over a week requiring a manual vacuum aspiration. Worse yet, I finally had a “keeper” this year and found out almost 15 weeks that the baby had a severe genetic abnormality, and so we decided to terminate. I’m lost and in grief every day, feeling fine and normal at times, then I just break down inconsolably. Lack of motivation to work or get out of the house. And other times keeping myself busy with mindless tasks in partial avoidance. News about Roe vs Wade also has me infuriated and crushed. It’s so difficult to bear any child loss, let alone have to deal with it in silence. I’m glad you shared your story.

I hope that in the few months that have passed since you posted that you are healing and feeling stronger each day. Wishing you the best.

The anger is completely normal. In my experience, the anger was like a flashlight, illuminating something important. In my case, the important thing that my anger shed light on was that I needed acknowledgement and affirmation that my baby was important. I felt better when I gave myself not just permission, but the imperative to honor and remember and acknowledge my baby and to honor and acknowledge my loss. I kept getting angry because I was trying to get that validation from external sources (I remember feeling angry that my provider didn’t think it was necessary do an ultrasound because the evidence suggested that my body passed everything. But in my mind, not getting an ultrasound felt like it wasn’t being acknowledged that I had been pregnant). I have given up on getting acknowledgement from others;I now only need that acknowledgement from myself.