Trigger Warning // This is a very complicated story to tell now that I think of it. I haven't really known where to go or who tell about this and it's only now that I even thought that someone might understand it so I guess I'm going to give it a shot. In June last year my ex assaulted me and got me pregnant, I was 17 at the time and we had been dating for almost 3 years. They were only a year older than me, I'm 18 now. At first I didn't know what to do, I was scared and I knew I couldn't get an abortion but I knew I was too young and too busy to be a good parent. I always knew that I wanted children though. I wanted to be able to raise someone that had opportunities I didn't have, never felt alone, was unconditionally loved, etc. My ex and I had talked about kids in the future even though we were very young. I wanted to plan for it thoroughly and make sure I had done everything right to be a good parent when I was ready. My then partner and I even came up with names together because at the time we thought we would have a stable and secure future to build together. That was all quickly taken away. It was already two weeks later when I realized so it was too late to take plan B. The only way that I had to terminate the pregnancy was to starve myself so that hopefully my body would reject the baby. About 40 days after conception I miscarried. At the time I actually thought I only got my period and was so relieved that I didn't really think much of it until a few months ago. I broke up with my then partner in September and hadn't been in contact with them until a month ago. Around February I thought about it again for the first time in months. I tried to block it out but then I remembered the pain and the bleeding and I had multiple problems with my menstrual cycle in between. I remembered the 40 days where I felt guilty to eat because I knew if my baby survived I wouldn't be able to be the parent they needed, and guilty to starve because I knew I was killing my baby. Recently I've been reading about the medical side of miscarriages and trying to open up about it with my friends. None of them understand how I feel, they're all between ages 17-19. They call it a clump of cells, they tell me how I would've never survived the pregnancy let alone childbirth. I know they're right but I can't help but feel guilty and attached and I don't expect them to understand what happened anyway. I wish that I didn't have that choice taken away from me and part of me wishes I got to carry my baby to term because I know there wouldn't be a second after they were born where they wouldn't know how much I loved them. And I still do love them. It's not a conventional name but my ex and I thought Lucien was a pretty gender neutral name. Lucien means light-bringer, morning star, I would've hoped for a boy but I wouldn't care about the sex of the baby. I just wish that maybe I got to meet who would be Lucien, know what their laugh sounded like, what their eyes looked like when they smiled, and just once be able to tell them that I would've loved them so much and been so proud of them no matter what. I would've never made what happened to me their fault, I would've never projected the way I was raised onto them, I would've never been disappointed in them as long as they were happy. It feels silly sometimes to cry over a baby that I never had and maybe its only hormones that made me get so attached to them especially when I know that I could have never had them or been a good parent to them. I just wish I could've done everything differently, I wish I at least got to hold my baby, I wish I had that choice. I'm only beginning to grieve, my life since then has been complicated and I've needed to work on finishing school so that I can ensure a good future for myself but it's so hard to think about all of this at the same time. I don't know if the choice I made was right or not but I can't change the past now. TW // This is a very complicated story to tell now that I think of it. I haven't really known where to go or who tell about this and it's only now that I even thought that someone might understand it so I guess I'm going to give it a shot. In June last year my ex assaulted me and got me pregnant, I was seventeen at the time and we had been dating for almost three years. They were only a year older than me, I'm eighteen now. At first I didn't know what to do, I was scared and I knew I couldn't get an abortion but I knew I was too young and too busy to be a good parent. I always knew that I wanted children though. I wanted to be able to raise someone that had opportunities I didn't have, never felt alone, was unconditionally loved, etc. My ex and I had talked about kids in the future even though we were very young. I wanted to plan for it thoroughly and make sure I had done everything right to be a good parent when I was ready. My then partner and I even came up with names together because at the time we thought we would have a stable and secure future to build together. That was all quickly taken away. It was already two weeks later when I realized so it was too late to take plan B. The only way that I had to terminate the pregnancy was to starve myself so that hopefully my body would reject the baby. About 40 days after conception I miscarried. At the time I actually thought I only got my period and was so relieved that I didn't really think much of it until a few months ago. I broke up with my then partner in September and hadn't been in contact with them until a month ago. Around February I thought about it again for the first time in months. I tried to block it out but then I remembered the pain and the bleeding and I had multiple problems with my menstrual cycle in between. I remembered the 40 days where I felt guilty to eat because I knew if my baby survived I wouldn't be able to be the parent they needed, and guilty to starve because I knew I was killing my baby. Recently I've been reading about the medical side of miscarriages and trying to open up about it with my friends. None of them understand how I feel, they're all between ages 17-19. They call it a clump of cells, they tell me how I would've never survived the pregnancy let alone childbirth. I know they're right but I can't help but feel guilty and attached and I don't expect them to understand what happened anyway. I wish that I didn't have that choice taken away from me and part of me wishes I got to carry my baby to term because I know there wouldn't be a second after they were born where they wouldn't know how much I loved them. And I still do love them. It's not a conventional name but my ex and I thought Lucien was a pretty gender neutral name. Lucien means light-bringer, morning star, I would've hoped for a boy but I wouldn't care about the sex of the baby. I just wish that maybe I got to meet who would be Lucien, know what their laugh sounded like, what their eyes looked like when they smiled, and just once be able to tell them that I would've loved them so much and been so proud of them no matter what. I would've never made what happened to me their fault, I would've never projected the way I was raised onto them, I would've never been disappointed in them as long as they were happy. It feels silly sometimes to cry over a baby that I never had and maybe its only hormones that made me get so attached to them especially when I know that I could have never had them or been a good parent to them. I just wish I could've done everything differently, I wish I at least got to hold my baby, I wish I had that choice. I'm only beginning to grieve, my life since then has been complicated and I've needed to work on finishing school so that I can ensure a good future for myself but it's so hard to think about all of this at the same time. I don't know if the choice I made was right or not but I can't change the past now. TW // This is a very complicated story to tell now that I think of it. I haven't really known where to go or who tell about this and it's only now that I even thought that someone might understand it so I guess I'm going to give it a shot. In June last year my ex assaulted me and got me pregnant, I was seventeen at the time and we had been dating for almost three years. They were only a year older than me, I'm eighteen now. At first I didn't know what to do, I was scared and I knew I couldn't get an abortion but I knew I was too young and too busy to be a good parent. I always knew that I wanted children though. I wanted to be able to raise someone that had opportunities I didn't have, never felt alone, was unconditionally loved, etc. My ex and I had talked about kids in the future even though we were very young. I wanted to plan for it thoroughly and make sure I had done everything right to be a good parent when I was ready. My then partner and I even came up with names together because at the time we thought we would have a stable and secure future to build together. That was all quickly taken away. It was already two weeks later when I realized so it was too late to take plan B. The only way that I had to terminate the pregnancy was to starve myself so that hopefully my body would reject the baby. About 40 days after conception I miscarried. At the time I actually thought I only got my period and was so relieved that I didn't really think much of it until a few months ago. I broke up with my then partner in September and hadn't been in contact with them until a month ago. Around February I thought about it again for the first time in months. I tried to block it out but then I remembered the pain and the bleeding and I had multiple problems with my menstrual cycle in between. I remembered the 40 days where I felt guilty to eat because I knew if my baby survived I wouldn't be able to be the parent they needed, and guilty to starve because I knew I was killing my baby. Recently I've been reading about the medical side of miscarriages and trying to open up about it with my friends. None of them understand how I feel, they're all between ages 17-19. They call it a clump of cells, they tell me how I would've never survived the pregnancy let alone childbirth. I know they're right but I can't help but feel guilty and attached and I don't expect them to understand what happened anyway. I wish that I didn't have that choice taken away from me and part of me wishes I got to carry my baby to term because I know there wouldn't be a second after they were born where they wouldn't know how much I loved them. And I still do love them. It's not a conventional name but my ex and I thought Lucien was a pretty gender neutral name. Lucien means light-bringer, morning star, I would've hoped for a boy but I wouldn't care about the sex of the baby. I just wish that maybe I got to meet who would be Lucien, know what their laugh sounded like, what their eyes looked like when they smiled, and just once be able to tell them that I would've loved them so much and been so proud of them no matter what. I would've never made what happened to me their fault, I would've never projected the way I was raised onto them, I would've never been disappointed in them as long as they were happy. It feels silly sometimes to cry over a baby that I never had and maybe its only hormones that made me get so attached to them especially when I know that I could have never had them or been a good parent to them. I just wish I could've done everything differently, I wish I at least got to hold my baby, I wish I had that choice. I'm only beginning to grieve, my life since then has been complicated and I've needed to work on finishing school so that I can ensure a good future for myself but it's so hard to think about all of this at the same time. I don't know if the choice I made was right or not but I can't change the past now.

I copy pasted this from my notes app and I didn't realize I pasted it twice, I know it said long but I didn't mean for it to be /that/ long. I've had a lot on my mind anyway and was debating on even posting this

Scratch that,, three times. Again if anyone reads this I apologize, I've been a mess and it's almost 2 in the morning.

I'm so sorry to hear that you were in such a complicated situation. It looks like there were no good outcomes ahead of you, and that any choice would have resulted in guilt and worry. It's completely normal that it's taking a long time to process.

I just wanted to say that many, many pregnancies end up in natural miscarriage around the time that you miscarried, and that it would take some quite profound starvation to actually harm the baby. I completely agree that a baby is so much more than a clump of cells, but its energy needs really are minuscule early on. Many mums have strong nausea during this period and can barely hold down any food, and in fact stronger nausea is more likely to mean a healthy pregnancy. There is a good chance this would have happened anyway. I know this won't take away from the sadness, but perhaps some of that burden of guilt will be a tad lighter after reading this.