First let me say that I don’t really like the term “rainbow” to describe a child after loss. But I am struggling today. We lost our daughter at 37 weeks last April. It was soul crushing in every way. We had done IVF to get the embryo that became my daughter James and during that process we also made a second healthy embryo which we froze. I remember when we got the storage bill for the second embryo. I was about 34 weeks pregnant and so cavalier abt it. I had no idea. After losing James we decided that we would try and transfer this second embryo to a surrogate. Because of the damage to my uterus I couldn’t safely carry another baby. The process of matching w a surrogate and going through all the steps took so long. Lots of setbacks. Last week we finally did the transfer and it failed. We just found out. I know this sounds crazy but part of me feels like we didn’t deserve for it to work bc we somehow thought of her as a “backup”. I just feel really defeated. The success rate is a normal embryo into a surrogate is like 70 percent and once again we came out on the wrong side of the statistics. I’m so tired and so sad. And in two weeks it will be James’ bday. This loss feels like it has put me back into the earliest days of grief. I think this is it for us bc I’m 43.5 and out of eggs. So no “rainbow” for us. Where does this leave us? I would really like to connect with others who have gone through this. Does a subsequent child lessen the pain of loss or is the hole always there? And if there is no rainbow, what happens them? Thanks for letting me share. Xx.

Hi Meg,
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, but I do know what it's like to feel crushing loss. Loss of your child, loss of the future you had envisioned, loss of hope. I hate that you're experiencing another shitty hand after the loss of James.

There are no words I can offer to ease your pain, but know that I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry your second embryo failed -- you absolutely deserved it and it really sucks that it failed.

I hope others who have walked a similar journey can chime in as well. Sending love and thinking of you and your baby girl over the next couple of weeks.

Thank you ❤️

Hi Meg,
I also am not exactly in the same path. I lost my son Julian full term, so I do know the loss of losing a baby is heartshattering. I haven't had any kind of attempt for another child yet, however I am under the belief that after that kind of loss that there will always be a hole. Much like Charlie's mom said, you lost a baby, a life you envisioned and plans you had. The life you have now isn't what you thought it would be. How I feel anyways. I can't speak to having a child after, but it would be a different one. He or she could never replace the first. I am so sorry about James and the embryo, such heavy losses. Thinking of you and your girl.

Thank you Kendra. Sending a hug.