I’ve felt suicidal for some time now following the deaths of my 2 babies (both at less than a week old). Time is supposed to make it easier but for me, it hasn’t worked. Simply waiting has not lessened the feelings, only made them intensify. I’m now 4 years on from my youngest’s death and I still feel deep sorrow and hopelessness.

My husband left last year and now I’m alone with my pain.

Has anyone else dealt with long term suffering like this? I feel like I’m just putting off dying but not sure I have the energy or strength to continue to do so.

Gabriella,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. I'm new in this journey, so I can't speak to time working or not. However, I haven't been feeling okay either, and reaching out to get help lifted a tremendous weight off of my chest. I was at my six week follow up appointment recently and they gave me the postpartum depression screening form to fill out. I broke down while filling it out, because I realized 'wow, I'm really not okay'. And it's okay, Being honest about it even though it was incredibly hard to do helped me get help. She recommended an antidepressant for a while, as well as therapy and a support group in town. What have you tried in the way of seeking professional help? I was really scared about it, but I'm so glad I did. I still don't feel good, but I know it will help give me tools to cope in the long run.

Gabrielle,
I'm so sorry for your pain. Like Kendra, I am new to this journey. I lost my son Charlie at six days old in October. There are many days that it feels like too much to bear -- days when it takes every ounce of energy to get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Therapy has helped tremendously. It can take time to find the right fit but if you have the means, I highly recommend connecting with a therapist who specializes in perinatal loss and trauma. And, know you're not alone. While I can't imagine exactly how you are feeling, I know what it's like to feel soul-crushing, incomprehensible grief. Take it one day, one hour at a time. Some days it might be one minute at a time and that's ok too.

Do you have a network of family or friends you can talk with?

National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
Perinatal Mental Health Hotline: 866-364-6667

Than you for your replies and so sorry for your losses. I have tried therapy multiple times but it hasn’t worked for me. I’m also taking anti-depressants. I do have friends and family but as you know, they don’t really understand how it feels. The thing is, I’m not sure I actually want to fight the suicide anymore. Why would i? There isn’t a lot left to live for.

I have tried suicide helplines but they always make me feel worse rather than better.

Sorry, this is a ramble.

Gabriella,

I am heartbroken for you and I am sorry you feel so alone in all this. I know what you mean, you feel alone even in a room full of people. I am sure it is extremely difficult to find motivation to live when everything feels like it is crashing down but I know your loved ones would hate to lose you! You are so strong and you have made it so far! You made an awesome first step by reaching out for support--one step at a time love! Please take it easy. Sending positive energy and love your way!

Dear Gabriella and anyone else who is having thoughts of suicide, call the National Crisis Hotline at 800-273-8255. There are trained counselors who are able to talk to you at any time of day and direct you to more resources than we are able to provide on this site. Please also reach out to our email at glowinthewoods2016@gmail.com or comment back here to let us know that you are okay. We are here for you. We see you and want to support you in any way we can. Sending you love and care.

Thanks. I can’t call the number you gave as I am not in the USA but I have reached out to my country’s equivalent on a number of occasions. It didn’t help. I have felt this way for a couple of years and it is exhausting as nothing has really helped me feel better long term.

I hope everyone else finds peace.

Where are you located if you don’t mind me asking.

Hi Gabriella,
I'm so sorry you are feeling so hopeless. I don't know how much this will help to hear, but I hope it does help. Everyone says that time heals and that we'll feel better in time but the timeline that those who haven't lost babies seem to think is 'appropriate' for the deep grief we feel has always been wildly out of line with my own experience. At four years past the death of my daughter I was still in a state of absolute devastation and grieving deeply every day. I am now ten years out and I can honestly say that I feel better. I still grieve. I still feel sorrow and anger, but not with the same intensity all the time. Slowly, slowly after four years I felt grief change. I know it is different for everyone, but I also know that the timeline the world seems to expect from us is too quick. Is there a support group near you that you can reach out to? I was a very non-support group type person I thought, but then found that was really the thing that helped me the most. There is a list of links to international crisis hotlines available here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide. Please keep reaching out. Sending so much love to you. Jen

Gabriella,
I'm truly sorry for your losses. It's been over two years since my first born passed after 9 days of life. The pain for me is still there. I feel as if I'm the only one it's this strong for. I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts and asking why I even bother any more. It's truly unfair that we have to go through this. But we're not alone. YOU are not alone.

I have to believe that it must get easier, it has to. When my son first passed I couldn't speak to anyone but my husband. There were days I would break down stuck in the singular moment when he died and I couldn't function. Now, after 2 years I can speak to people about regular topics. That pain is ever constant no matter what I'm doing, buy I'm more functional. My point is, if that's possible than time must make this more manageable the longer it goes by.

I find coming on here comforts me because I will be understood here when I don't feel that I am anywhere else.

Know that you're in my thoughts.

Gabriella,
I'm truly sorry for your losses. It's been over two years since my first born passed after 9 days of life. The pain for me is still there. I feel as if I'm the only one it's this strong for. Truth be told, suicide has been very strong in my thoughts. The only thing that stops me is not wanting to cause my parents any pain. It's truly unfair that we have to go through this. Just please know you're not alone.

It must get easier, it has to. When my son first passed I couldn't speak to anyone but my husband. There were days I would break down stuck in the singular moment when he died and I couldn't function. Now, after 2 years I can speak to people about regular topics. That pain is ever constant no matter what I'm doing, buy I'm more functional. My point is, if that's possible than time must male this more manageable the longer it goes by.

Please know you're not alone and remember that no one can dictate how long you're allowed to mourn.

My thoughts are with you.

Thank you everyone.

I am in the UK if that makes any difference. I am really struggling with the weight of loss. My husband leaving has not helped as he is the only other person who held our sons and shared the understanding of my loss and grief for them. I have tried support groups but for various reasons they do not make me feel better. I think I find it hard to hear about people with living children, or who have husbands to support them etc.

I think the big thing is that it honestly feels like it makes complete and logical sense to die. A few people might be sad, but why should I continue to live a pointless and exhausting life just for a couple of people not to have to experience a tiny amount of what I have had to.

I know I probably don’t make sense to a lot of people but that’s honestly how I feel. My genuine question is how do you force yourself to live when you don’t have any reason to. And more importantly why should I?

Gabriella, we are all here for you. I’m now a little over three years out from the death of my son after he lived for 36 hours. In those 36 hours of his life I felt like I had lived 20 years, and another 20 years since he’s been gone. I can tell you that especially in the first year it was hard for me to find a reason to get out of bed. I really didn’t have a purpose and really did not feel like I wanted to do anything big like make a foundation or big donations or anything like that like I saw other people do. I had some attempts at small things and failed mostly. I just read many of the books in the suggested library on this website to pass much of the time. Watched a lot of tv. Got my hands dirty in soil and made a messy huge pot of control flower garden for a couple of years and watched the bees. I slowly found some joy again but it was mostly through solitude. Please stay. I would love to hear about your babies more if you are comfortable sharing. One thought that really helped me was that my son died so needlessly, and never got to experience love or pain, and while I’m here, I will make sure to experience the joy and pain in his absence because he cannot. So much love to you.

This website helped when I felt as you do…

https://www.stayalive.app/find-help-now/online/metanoia-org/

I’m so very sorry.

^^Just reading the home screen^^