Hello all. I am here because I have experienced a loss. Four days before my due date, I found out my son had no heartbeat. He was still born. This was almost 6 weeks ago. I honestly don't know how I am doing. It's complicated. Sometimes I feel "okay" and like I'm surviving another day, maybe I laughed that day. Maybe I feel some kind of normal. Other times I feel like I'm on a tight rope and if I breathe wrong I will shatter. I've been very in my head about everything. I'm considering therapy, and there are online support groups with weekly meetings. I'm so scared about either of those, about trying them or needing them. I don't know if it will help. Am I beyond repair? Do I need to be fixed? I'm so conflicted. Has anyone else had these kinds of feelings? Experiences with therapy or online support groups?

Kendra, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. 6 weeks ago—that’s like yesterday. My daughter’s 8th birthday is coming up but I remember, 6 weeks out, I still felt like I was in the eye of the hurricane. But to answer your question, the support group and the therapist I saw were of immense comfort and help. I am still in touch with people from the support group and we continue to be a comfort and support to each other. We aren’t in touch very often, but it’s a meaningful and deep connection. So, if you can give it a try, I definitely recommend it. Sending you peace.

Kendra,

There are, sadly, a lot of resources available to help aid you while you grieve. I am sorry you experienced such a tremendous loss. I lost my baby in Jan - It was a twin pregnancy - I had lost twin a in the beginning weeks and later went into pre-term labor with twin b at 14 weeks. Pregnancy loss is a devastating experience. Therapy and counseling are a great resource. I also recommend looking up women with similar experiences on YouTube. I watched a channel called Stefanie and Kameron, and idk, something about listening to someone talk about their feelings and experience was comforting. I felt less alone as I read through the comments of their videos. I think just trying to surround yourself with as much support and love while you process your emotions is all that you can do.

We are also here for you if you need a supportive shoulder.

Ash

AB and Ash,

Thank you so much for your replies and likewise I'm sorry for your losses too. I've been so scared to reach out but I'm glad that I did and started here. It gives me hope to know there are people on this path with me, and even as complete strangers you're both so caring. I appreciate the recommendations you both had. I don't have many people I know that have been through this, and that makes this a little extra hard because I don't feel understood. Sharing here started a cascade of events for me. I actually have signed up for therapy now and at my 6 week follow up with my OB today they gave me information on a support group in my city that I didn't know existed. I'm kind of nervous about this but I'm going to give it a try.

Hi Kendra,

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. When I was six weeks out from my daughter's stillbirth, it was like she was with me the entire time. Or the loss was with me, or her palpable absence. It's very early days.

I had various sources of support, but I found the support group to be the most helpful one. Partly it's because of the deep connections you forge. But also, this loss is so deep and strong and hard to put into words, and what I needed was for someone to intuit how I'm feeling and to be able to conceptualise things for me. In a group setting, it often happened that someone would manage to put into words something that I was feeling, and then it was like a knot would unravel in my chest all of a sudden. Very powerful and much needed.

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. 6 weeks is no time at all to have passed. What you’re feeling is normal so thus you don’t need fixing. The only way forward is through it, and it’ll take some time before life gets easier. And even so there will still comes waves of intense grief- they’ll just be less frequent and you’ll have become accustomed to coping with them. A support group was most helpful for me. A therapist in the immediate aftermath wasn’t as helpful- they were trying to fix me, when nothing could be fixed. My son was dead and I felt devastated and could hardly function and nothing would change that, especially when in fact it was a normal reaction. Later on however, I went to therapy to address my PTSD. That said, many people find therapy in the immediate aftermath very very helpful. There is no right or wrong. I just wanted to assure you that you don’t need fixing. It is normal and okay if you are not okay. Sending you strength for the dark days ahead. Be gentle with yourself.

Dear Kendra,

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I am almost a year out from losing my daughter and in those first few months I can remember feeling like the crushing waves of pain and grief were relentless. With time they have eased a bit or maybe I've learned to live with them. I found an amazing therapist who specialized in loss and trauma and I think working with her every week has helped me a great deal. But the thing that has been the most comforting has been meeting other women who have gone through this. Most I have met through friends and acquaintances and some I have met here on Glow. So I think it's really good that you have begun to explore different support groups. And I'm so glad you found this site. It is where I come to when I'm having a particularly hard day and I always find comfort and community. I also have found a lot of comfort in reading books written by loss parents. Some helpful ones: Ghostbelly, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, and Three Minus One. I also really liked the book called It's Okay That You're Not Okay by Megan Devine. If you ever want to email or chat, please let me know. I'm sending you love and peace and holding your family in my heart. Meg

Kendra,
I am heartbroken that you lost your son. This is really as bad as you think it is -- it sucks, it's not fair, every parent's worst nightmare! I lost my son Charlie at six days of life following complications during birth. That was almost six months ago and most days it still feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

Therapy has helped me tremendously, if that is a resource available to you. I started almost immediately and continue to meet once per week. I recommend finding someone who specializes in trauma/loss and perinatal support; it can take a few tries to find a fit, but there are some incredible therapists out there. Ones who will sit with you in your grief, listen to and validate your feelings, and help you cope with the unimaginable loss of your son. I've also found solidarity in reading the stories of others -- on this website, in books, etc. While this journey can feel so infuriatingly isolating at times, there are others who know the deep pain and grief you are feeling. I also remember feeling so sad and frustrated at six weeks because I was having to heal postpartum, but didn't have my son to help ease the pain so to speak. In many ways, grief makes healing physically more difficult and vice versa. Take it one day at a time -- some days it will be one hour, one minute at a time. That's ok.

Some books I've read: An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination, Empty Cradle Broken Heart, Notes for the Everlost: A Field Guide to Grief, It's OK Not to be Ok.

Sending hugs.