Today was sad. In 2015, I renewed my driver’s license. I was pregnant with my first. I remember thinking that day “oh when I come back he’ll be in kindergarten.” I remember what I was wearing , where I was walking, the weather conditions… He died a couple months later at 33 weeks.

January 2021 came and went, and I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t renew it again, get rid of that picture of me and revisit that day back in April of 2015 that I somehow remember so vividly… I just thought I’ll never renew it- I’ll drive illegally forever. If I renew it in some way he’ll be even more dead.

I got pulled over in August. The officer asked why I hadn’t renewed and I just started sobbing and he was compassionate and told me to renew it but I still didn’t. Today I finally did, more than a year past due. I had to re-take the drivers test and cried a lot but didn’t tell anyone why - they just thought I was upset and embarrassed . I can’t verbalize this to anyone. I’ll break down so much. No one will understand, so I’m saying it here. Remembering and missing Matthew extra today.

Dear Matthew‘s mom
Your post reminded me how hard it is no matter how much time passes. You were really brave I just wanted to mark my respect for you. Thinking of Matthew and you.

Thank you so much for your kind reply Jana. ❤️

I can completely understand what you mean. The things from "before" can be so triggering. I felt that way about my friend's house where I first found out I was pregnant with my daughter who I lost at 37 weeks. it's just hard for me to be there. Sometimes I wish there were no reminders, but that doesn't feel right either. Just so so hard. Sending you a hug.

I really, really get this, Matthew's mom. Sending a big hug.

This brought tears to my eyes. I understand completely what you mean. Our "club" isn't a one any of us to be signed up to be in, but we're all supportive shoulders and I am grateful for this. Virtual hugs <3