I had a miscarriage with an urgent d and c at 11 weeks (baby only developed to about 7 1/2 weeks) fall 2020 and I am still struggling. I am seeing a therapist but I still don't feel ok and wonder when I will feel like myself again. She says it was a traumatic event especially how it happened and she wonders if I am depressed because of my sleep issues. And if that doesn't get better she might recommend an antidepressant. I am so scared of antidepressants and depression. I have been depressed in the past and I am terrified to fall into that again as I wasn't in my right mind. I feel so alone even though I have a therapist and supportive husband. I just wish time could stop for a moment so I could crawl up into a ball for a couple weeks and let it all out with no demands on me. But life goes on and my toddler needed

/needed me to take care of her now and right after it happened. The miscarriage also triggered other childhood trauma and my therapist also thinks the grief is prolonged for other reasons. I have never felt so much pain in my life. I don't even know how to process that my baby is real but not with us anymore, buried in the ground, not alive. I feel like I am in a constant dream going in and out of my body. I am so sad and wish my toddler had a friend to play with. But instead she is alone. I tried to give her one. I can't stand the lack of control with all of it. I feel so empty and lost. I keep telling myself I am ok because I need to be ok for myself and others. But I don't feel okay.

W,
I want to just start by saying I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here in this club no one wants to be a part of. I lost my son, Theo, shortly after he was born in April 2021. The pressure we put on ourselves to be okay and appear fine for the world after going through such immense loss is absurd and something that I have also struggled with. For me, talking to other loss moms has been one of the most helpful things, so although I wish you didn’t have to find yourself here, I'm glad you found us.
As far as antidepressants go, I went on them for the first time after losing my son. I was also reluctant like you, worried how they would effect me. I will say for me, they helped. I still feel like myself and they weren’t a happy pill and they didn’t numb my feelings, but they helped me to see a way out of those dark dark moments and to feel more equipped to hang on. It sounds like you have other trauma you are dealing with as well as the loss of your baby so I will say what I’ve heard loss moms before me say. Be gentle with yourself. Come here whenever you want to vent or if you need a sounding board to just acknowledge that yes, this life after is as crazy as it seems. So much love to you

Molly,

Thank you so much for your love and supportive/very helpful words. That means a lot to me. And I am beyond sorry about the loss of your son Theo. My heart breaks for you and I send lots of love your way.