I've had two miscarriages. I wish miscarriages were talked about more. I wish we were taught about them during health class when we were learning about our bodies and how to do self-breast exams. I was caught off guard with my first one. My second miscarriage was way worse and more traumatizing than anything I've ever experienced in my life, but some voice in the back of mind worried it would happen until it did. I'll remember it forever. I'll remember the baby that I looked up at on the ultrasound. I'll remember the baby that wiggled and jumped, and I'll remember being so amazed to see something so beautiful. I'll remember feeling my belly grow and all the dreams I had about the kind of mother I wanted to be.

Miscarriages rips those dreams away from you. It feels like you have zero control over your own body. Someone I follow on IG is exactly as pregnant as I would have been had I not miscarried and it's hard seeing that. Medical bills from two D&C's and an emergency ER visit from my first miscarriage are racking up and it all seems unfair.

I feel like each day is a challenge to feel anything good. I feel hollow inside. I feel like being pregnant was just a hallucination. Seeing my belly flat and fitting into clothes that I couldn't fit into just a short while ago makes me feel like it never happened. I wouldn't wish miscarriage on my worst enemy. It is a horrendous pain. The kind of pain that makes your eyes fill up with tears at every reminder of what you've gone through and lost. The kind of pain that forces you to listen to "safe" music because any other music makes you think of things you don't want to think about. Family tells you it's "God's plan" or "don't give up on trying again" and all you can do is nod along to what they're saying, but truthfully, you feel as though you're a million miles away from them. They don't understand miscarriage and they try to, but it's never enough.

What's worse is being in the middle of a pandemic and having not a single person to share your grief with. Friendships fell apart months ago - what is friendship anymore?

I keep asking God..."Why me? Why did this have to happen to me??" and God doesn't answer. I'm learning there isn't an answer for this kind of thing. We always want to know the "why" or the "how" and sometimes you have to be okay with not knowing.

I don't know why I lost both of my pregnancies. I don't know why it had to happen to me. I feel like everything is changing in my life and I don't know how to cope with it all. I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean on this little boat and I'm watching this huge wave head my way. I'm doing everything I can to keep a healthy mind...but I fear for the worst. I fear that I will fail every single thing i try to do. Is that what miscarriage does to you? Make you doubt your ability to succeed?

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Nirvana,

I am new to this platform and just came across your post. It is crazy because I feel like you took everything right out of my mouth. I am in the process of "miscarriaging" as we speak and it is such a strippingly painful process. I never thought I would have one and just did not realize how common they were..I can definitely understand how you can feel hopeless after two. I hurt for you and I am sorry you feel so alone in this. I find myself to be a spiritual person and it is just so hard to remind yourself that God only tests who he loves and with what they can handle because I just never thought I would have to go through this. You are doing great love, sending prayers your way!

Hi Yasmeen,

I hope that you're doing well. My heart goes out to you and just know, you have a virtual friend who understands.

xo