for one and all > Seeking women to talk to who understand MC
Hi Ash,
I am so, so, so sorry for this tremendous loss. Words fall so short in this situation, but I've been looking for some sort of support group myself after my miscarriages and I came across your post and wanted to reach out. I have experienced three miscarriages in a row the first one being December of 2020, the next May of 2021, and the third this past November 2021. All those feelings you named, the grief, exhautions, anger, are all so valid and I am right there with you. For my past two miscarriages I also know exactly what you mean when you say you saw bleeding and knew what was going on. We are mothers, and we know what's going on. I exhausted myself frantically reading articles about other causes of bleeding and trying to convince myself that it wasn't what it was or just willing it to not be another loss.
I want you to know that I completely and wholeheartedly understand what you are going through. Although our circumstances may be different..all my miscarriages were between 9 and 10 weeks, I had a D and C for first and then naturally miscarried the other two.. that trauma that you feel and those flashbacks are so true and so vivid. I had to "catch" my third miscarried baby in one of those urine catching hats you put on the toilet in hopes to send it for chromosomal testing. This is one of my biggest traumatic flashbacks because I saw my baby. I was told by the doctor I would only see bloody clots or tissues, but that simply wasn't true. And I grieve even more over the thought of my second miscarriage which I didn't catch and knowing I just flushed it down the toilet. Those vivid and horrific thoughts just linger.
I also understand your feelings of not caring. I was, and sometimes still am, so numb. Right after the third one happened I had visions of just leaving my life for a new one. Packing up everything and just escaping.
I hated hearing all the typical things people say like "it happened for a reason", or "miscarriages are your body's way of ridding imperfect things", or "you had one baby already you will definitely be able to have another", or "I know it will happen for you sometime!", and more. All I wanted and needed was someone to say how awful it was and not try to make me feel better. Maybe you feel differently, but if not, just know that I am right there with you in all of this sadness and pain and anger. Reply if you want to chat more!
I am so, so, so sorry for this tremendous loss. Words fall so short in this situation, but I've been looking for some sort of support group myself after my miscarriages and I came across your post and wanted to reach out. I have experienced three miscarriages in a row the first one being December of 2020, the next May of 2021, and the third this past November 2021. All those feelings you named, the grief, exhautions, anger, are all so valid and I am right there with you. For my past two miscarriages I also know exactly what you mean when you say you saw bleeding and knew what was going on. We are mothers, and we know what's going on. I exhausted myself frantically reading articles about other causes of bleeding and trying to convince myself that it wasn't what it was or just willing it to not be another loss.
I want you to know that I completely and wholeheartedly understand what you are going through. Although our circumstances may be different..all my miscarriages were between 9 and 10 weeks, I had a D and C for first and then naturally miscarried the other two.. that trauma that you feel and those flashbacks are so true and so vivid. I had to "catch" my third miscarried baby in one of those urine catching hats you put on the toilet in hopes to send it for chromosomal testing. This is one of my biggest traumatic flashbacks because I saw my baby. I was told by the doctor I would only see bloody clots or tissues, but that simply wasn't true. And I grieve even more over the thought of my second miscarriage which I didn't catch and knowing I just flushed it down the toilet. Those vivid and horrific thoughts just linger.
I also understand your feelings of not caring. I was, and sometimes still am, so numb. Right after the third one happened I had visions of just leaving my life for a new one. Packing up everything and just escaping.
I hated hearing all the typical things people say like "it happened for a reason", or "miscarriages are your body's way of ridding imperfect things", or "you had one baby already you will definitely be able to have another", or "I know it will happen for you sometime!", and more. All I wanted and needed was someone to say how awful it was and not try to make me feel better. Maybe you feel differently, but if not, just know that I am right there with you in all of this sadness and pain and anger. Reply if you want to chat more!
February 8, 2022 |
Heather
Heather
Hi Heather,
It meant the world to me seeing you replied. I've been checking this page for days.
Reading your post made me tear up. I understand your pain and grief. It's so hard to experience multiple miscarriages and then have the people around you say things like, "It's God's plan" or "The baby might've had defects and your body was doing the right thing." I don't think that way. I think about the people who get pregnant and deliver beautiful babies. I try so hard not to be bitter towards that and most of my feelings towards them are envy.
Having had two miscarriages (the second one being multiples - I was pregnant with twins - vanishing twin syndrome. My dr expressed that the twin sac is what caused me to go into labor at 14 weeks)
I am so sorry for any trauma you experienced with your pregnancies. Miscarriages are such a traumatic experience and the things you seen stay with you. I can still remember the feeling of delivering my small baby and the way i felt when I became aware of what I'd just done. My dr told me she delivered my baby, and it was like I felt nothing but everything all at once. I can't explain it. It was like I wasn't in my body, but somehow aware of what was going on around me. I had just been to see my dr 10 days prior and was told my baby was healthy...
I can relate exactly to what you wrote. I have had many thoughts about packing up my life and starting fresh.
My husband is on his own path of grief, and it makes me feel alone. I feel like I got left behind somehow. I try to respect his way of grieving, but sometimes I crave to grieve together or feel validated. I feel like I was never pregnant or that I'm supposed to be getting back to a "normal" life and that I shouldn't be moping around my home, sleeping for hours or not sleeping at all and just feeling like a zombie. I try to remind myself it's only been a few weeks.
Heather, it is incredibly awful. I don't know if you feel this way too, but I often wonder to myself "why me?". I don't feel like many people can understand how shattering it is to lose your baby. You feel like you have no control over your own body. How can something you want so much be ripped so easily from your grasp? You feel like you tried doing everything right and you daydreamed of all the ways you'd be a good mother to that baby. Then to have that very baby taken from your body and all you're left with after are the nagging pregnancy reminders your body is working to get rid of and the feelings of grief and sadness and confusion. Then you have to deal with people who truly don't understand and ask things like, "what's wrong with your body?" and "will you need help next time you're pregnant?"
Every single day is different for me. Some days I am ok and others I am angry or bitter or just plain sad. I wonder when I when I will feel "normal" again or if I'll ever be who I was before miscarriage.
I truly appreciate your response and look forward to speaking with you again, if you choose to respond.
Ash
It meant the world to me seeing you replied. I've been checking this page for days.
Reading your post made me tear up. I understand your pain and grief. It's so hard to experience multiple miscarriages and then have the people around you say things like, "It's God's plan" or "The baby might've had defects and your body was doing the right thing." I don't think that way. I think about the people who get pregnant and deliver beautiful babies. I try so hard not to be bitter towards that and most of my feelings towards them are envy.
Having had two miscarriages (the second one being multiples - I was pregnant with twins - vanishing twin syndrome. My dr expressed that the twin sac is what caused me to go into labor at 14 weeks)
I am so sorry for any trauma you experienced with your pregnancies. Miscarriages are such a traumatic experience and the things you seen stay with you. I can still remember the feeling of delivering my small baby and the way i felt when I became aware of what I'd just done. My dr told me she delivered my baby, and it was like I felt nothing but everything all at once. I can't explain it. It was like I wasn't in my body, but somehow aware of what was going on around me. I had just been to see my dr 10 days prior and was told my baby was healthy...
I can relate exactly to what you wrote. I have had many thoughts about packing up my life and starting fresh.
My husband is on his own path of grief, and it makes me feel alone. I feel like I got left behind somehow. I try to respect his way of grieving, but sometimes I crave to grieve together or feel validated. I feel like I was never pregnant or that I'm supposed to be getting back to a "normal" life and that I shouldn't be moping around my home, sleeping for hours or not sleeping at all and just feeling like a zombie. I try to remind myself it's only been a few weeks.
Heather, it is incredibly awful. I don't know if you feel this way too, but I often wonder to myself "why me?". I don't feel like many people can understand how shattering it is to lose your baby. You feel like you have no control over your own body. How can something you want so much be ripped so easily from your grasp? You feel like you tried doing everything right and you daydreamed of all the ways you'd be a good mother to that baby. Then to have that very baby taken from your body and all you're left with after are the nagging pregnancy reminders your body is working to get rid of and the feelings of grief and sadness and confusion. Then you have to deal with people who truly don't understand and ask things like, "what's wrong with your body?" and "will you need help next time you're pregnant?"
Every single day is different for me. Some days I am ok and others I am angry or bitter or just plain sad. I wonder when I when I will feel "normal" again or if I'll ever be who I was before miscarriage.
I truly appreciate your response and look forward to speaking with you again, if you choose to respond.
Ash
February 8, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Ash,
I wonder "why me" all the time. I have so many bitter feelings. Jealousy and just pure anger. About myself and others. The terrible thoughts I've had about strangers and honestly even friends who are pregnant has been brutal. I began therapy after the second one and one of the things I've learned is that it's ok to set limits for myself. I have a coworker and best friend who are both pregnant right now, and I have distanced myself from them. I was upfront with both of them and they were both very understanding (I also got rid of all my social media). But it only helps somewhat. I then have guilt over not being "supportive" enough for them. But I can't be there for them as a supportive friend for their pregnancy for my own health and sanity.
I also wonder when I will be normal again. Just today at work someone asked me "how are you doing?" and this person doesn't know what's going on with me, but I almost broke down. Tears welled up in my eyes and I just had to keep it together long enough for me to leave the conversation because I didn't want to share with that person. But it's just like every day there is something that upsets me and causes me sadness or anger, and it's such a rollercoaster. I have a feeling that we are never going to get back to the women we were before our miscarriages..
About your husband...this sounds a little similar to my husband and me. We have grieved very differently through all of them. He can more easily put it aside and "move on" quicker mentally, and he never had to deal with the physical healing. My therapist explained it as he is in the flight mode of survival while I am in the fight mode. And that we have to try to have check ins with each other to let each other know where we are in our healing. But everyday is hard in some way and I'm sure it's hard for my husband to hear "I'm not ok" every day...
I hear you on the questioning if you are grieving right, or if you should even be acting in grief at all. I felt awful for wanting to just lay in bed and cry or not being present for my family. It's been 3 months since my last miscarriage and I still have times when I need to be a zombie or have time just to myself to cry. I read or heard somewhere that grief recovery doesn't happen in a straight line and so you will have really good days and then have a bad day, or have multiple bad days in a row . I try to remind myself of this.
The unknown of all of this is so hard. In theory I am getting referred for specialist testing now that it's happened three times in a row, but that is not moving very quickly, and it just leaves so many days for me to go down the rabbit hole of questioning if I have this or that problem. I am trying to brace myself for the worst possible outcome, but how exactly do we do that?
I am so glad we are writing to each other. This is really helpful for me. Thank you <3
I wonder "why me" all the time. I have so many bitter feelings. Jealousy and just pure anger. About myself and others. The terrible thoughts I've had about strangers and honestly even friends who are pregnant has been brutal. I began therapy after the second one and one of the things I've learned is that it's ok to set limits for myself. I have a coworker and best friend who are both pregnant right now, and I have distanced myself from them. I was upfront with both of them and they were both very understanding (I also got rid of all my social media). But it only helps somewhat. I then have guilt over not being "supportive" enough for them. But I can't be there for them as a supportive friend for their pregnancy for my own health and sanity.
I also wonder when I will be normal again. Just today at work someone asked me "how are you doing?" and this person doesn't know what's going on with me, but I almost broke down. Tears welled up in my eyes and I just had to keep it together long enough for me to leave the conversation because I didn't want to share with that person. But it's just like every day there is something that upsets me and causes me sadness or anger, and it's such a rollercoaster. I have a feeling that we are never going to get back to the women we were before our miscarriages..
About your husband...this sounds a little similar to my husband and me. We have grieved very differently through all of them. He can more easily put it aside and "move on" quicker mentally, and he never had to deal with the physical healing. My therapist explained it as he is in the flight mode of survival while I am in the fight mode. And that we have to try to have check ins with each other to let each other know where we are in our healing. But everyday is hard in some way and I'm sure it's hard for my husband to hear "I'm not ok" every day...
I hear you on the questioning if you are grieving right, or if you should even be acting in grief at all. I felt awful for wanting to just lay in bed and cry or not being present for my family. It's been 3 months since my last miscarriage and I still have times when I need to be a zombie or have time just to myself to cry. I read or heard somewhere that grief recovery doesn't happen in a straight line and so you will have really good days and then have a bad day, or have multiple bad days in a row . I try to remind myself of this.
The unknown of all of this is so hard. In theory I am getting referred for specialist testing now that it's happened three times in a row, but that is not moving very quickly, and it just leaves so many days for me to go down the rabbit hole of questioning if I have this or that problem. I am trying to brace myself for the worst possible outcome, but how exactly do we do that?
I am so glad we are writing to each other. This is really helpful for me. Thank you <3
February 10, 2022 |
Heather
Heather
Heahter,
It's difficult being around people in your life who have had a baby or are pregnant. I've also removed all of my social media platforms.
Sometimes I'm scared to talk to the people in my life about what happened. I don't want them to judge me and my body nor do I want them to spew off a list of solutions for me to be better as if I haven't thought of it all before. I find it is easier to stay inside of my own bubble. No one close to me has experienced miscarriage loss and so, I just don't really want to hear anything they have to say because it's never helpful. I feel like I spend more time defending myself or the situation than I do benefiting from their "advice". Which adds to my last comment about how I feel like I'm on a time limit for my grief. Like people have these expectations about how I should be processing and for how long. Every solution is "try to get pregnant again" as if that's such a simple feat.
I am terrified to try again. I've been told by my mom that I just need to try again which adds to the frustration that she doesn't understand how hard that is. Even when I told her I might take time before trying, she suggested I do it sooner. I wish people would stop telling me how to feel or act. Unless you're my dr or a licensed therapist that knows my case, I don't want you telling me how I should have handled my pregnancy or how I should handle things after the loss of my pregnancy. I wish people could just listen and be present rather than insist that they have all the answers and solutions. Perhaps that comes from a bitter place or I'm limiting how useful their advice can be based off whether they've experienced miscarriage or not. It might be selfish? I don't know. But honestly, I don't care. I am so tired of worrying about other people and their feelings. I just want to worry about me.
My Dr suggested I wait 6mo to try again and my husband is very firm on that suggestion. He wants to ensure I am healthy in every way. 6mo feels like a long time, but then I realized that it really isn't too far away, and I'm scared of being pregnant again. Some part of me thinks that there is no chance that I'll miscarry again. That this next time will be it, but then there's this other voice inside of me that whispers that it might, and I worry about all the anxiety I will feel and how focused I'll be on my body, and I wonder if I'll even get to enjoy pregnancy. It's really scary and I don't want to experience another loss. I don't think I could go through all of this again. I've experienced two miscarriages, back-to-back, and I feel like I signed up for a club I don't want to be in. I never had a clue that something like this could happen to me. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be a happy and exciting time, but all I feel is anxiety and fear.
I think it's really great that you see a therapist and that you're also getting testing done for some answers. I don't want to ask you anything that might trigger you, but do you feel there is something wrong with you that could prevent you from having a successful pregnancy? I've thought of a hundred ways to word that, so I apologize if it is upsetting. Please feel free to disregard. I am grateful to read anything you feel comfortable to share or express.
I try to think really hard about my "health" and think about my last two pregnancies. I don't want anyone to have an opinion on the health of my body because it feels like another area I don't have any control over, so I've really thought hard about it. I feel healthy, but I'm not sure how that "healthy" connects to being able to carry full term. I could be healthy, but not able and I'm terrified that that is the case, but I feel somewhere in my heart that it's not. I am frightened that a miscarriage could happen a third time but part of me feels so determined to have a baby. I feel "healthy" and then I just don't know. There are so many unanswered questions. It makes me wonder if some of this thinking is because of how the world and the people in our lives react. I don't want to think for a second that I am not "healthy" enough to have a baby, but like you said, how do we brace ourselves for the worst outcomes?
Right now, I'm struggling with a really poor sleeping schedule. I sleep way too much and the thought of waking up early turns me off. Several times I've woken to an early alarm and found myself going back to sleep for several more hours. I've stopped listening to music I love or watching meaningful movies or tv shows. I don't want anything that could trigger sadness. But last night, when I was up until super late because I couldn't sleep, I watched a movie called Fathers & Daughters. It felt like the right movie at the right time. There were some messages in the film that I think I really needed to hear and allow myself to feel. I guess it's just taking little steps each day and being okay with whatever you manage.
Like I mentioned before about wondering when I'll ever feel normal or like the person I was before miscarriage, I expressed this to a work colleague, and she told me: "You'll never be who you once were and that can happen within minutes, not days, weeks, months, etc. Life changes, sometimes in bad ways but you can literally become a new version of yourself so easily without even realizing it. Don't try to go back and be who you once were, be the you that you want to be now. Try not to focus on past you, that's in the past for a reason. I'm not saying forget your babies and grief, I'm just saying stick to now and what's to come. Don't let the past swallow you up."
I wanted to share that with you in case you get anything from it.
My husband came home last night after running to the gas station and he gave me a hug and let out a huge shuddering sigh and I asked, "what's wrong?" and then he just started crying. I hugged him for a long time, and I just let him be the one that wasn't ok. He didn't want to talk about what he was thinking or what triggered his sadness, which I've come to understand is a normal reaction for men. I wanted to push for more, but I respectfully accepted what he was able to express to me. That was the first time I'd seen him cry since I was in surgery a few weeks ago for D&C. I guess it made me realize that he might be a zombie too, but just a different one. I feel angry at life because it feels really unfair that we have to suffer in this way and experience these feelings and everything that comes with losing your baby. But...what can you do? It's life.
It's difficult being around people in your life who have had a baby or are pregnant. I've also removed all of my social media platforms.
Sometimes I'm scared to talk to the people in my life about what happened. I don't want them to judge me and my body nor do I want them to spew off a list of solutions for me to be better as if I haven't thought of it all before. I find it is easier to stay inside of my own bubble. No one close to me has experienced miscarriage loss and so, I just don't really want to hear anything they have to say because it's never helpful. I feel like I spend more time defending myself or the situation than I do benefiting from their "advice". Which adds to my last comment about how I feel like I'm on a time limit for my grief. Like people have these expectations about how I should be processing and for how long. Every solution is "try to get pregnant again" as if that's such a simple feat.
I am terrified to try again. I've been told by my mom that I just need to try again which adds to the frustration that she doesn't understand how hard that is. Even when I told her I might take time before trying, she suggested I do it sooner. I wish people would stop telling me how to feel or act. Unless you're my dr or a licensed therapist that knows my case, I don't want you telling me how I should have handled my pregnancy or how I should handle things after the loss of my pregnancy. I wish people could just listen and be present rather than insist that they have all the answers and solutions. Perhaps that comes from a bitter place or I'm limiting how useful their advice can be based off whether they've experienced miscarriage or not. It might be selfish? I don't know. But honestly, I don't care. I am so tired of worrying about other people and their feelings. I just want to worry about me.
My Dr suggested I wait 6mo to try again and my husband is very firm on that suggestion. He wants to ensure I am healthy in every way. 6mo feels like a long time, but then I realized that it really isn't too far away, and I'm scared of being pregnant again. Some part of me thinks that there is no chance that I'll miscarry again. That this next time will be it, but then there's this other voice inside of me that whispers that it might, and I worry about all the anxiety I will feel and how focused I'll be on my body, and I wonder if I'll even get to enjoy pregnancy. It's really scary and I don't want to experience another loss. I don't think I could go through all of this again. I've experienced two miscarriages, back-to-back, and I feel like I signed up for a club I don't want to be in. I never had a clue that something like this could happen to me. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be a happy and exciting time, but all I feel is anxiety and fear.
I think it's really great that you see a therapist and that you're also getting testing done for some answers. I don't want to ask you anything that might trigger you, but do you feel there is something wrong with you that could prevent you from having a successful pregnancy? I've thought of a hundred ways to word that, so I apologize if it is upsetting. Please feel free to disregard. I am grateful to read anything you feel comfortable to share or express.
I try to think really hard about my "health" and think about my last two pregnancies. I don't want anyone to have an opinion on the health of my body because it feels like another area I don't have any control over, so I've really thought hard about it. I feel healthy, but I'm not sure how that "healthy" connects to being able to carry full term. I could be healthy, but not able and I'm terrified that that is the case, but I feel somewhere in my heart that it's not. I am frightened that a miscarriage could happen a third time but part of me feels so determined to have a baby. I feel "healthy" and then I just don't know. There are so many unanswered questions. It makes me wonder if some of this thinking is because of how the world and the people in our lives react. I don't want to think for a second that I am not "healthy" enough to have a baby, but like you said, how do we brace ourselves for the worst outcomes?
Right now, I'm struggling with a really poor sleeping schedule. I sleep way too much and the thought of waking up early turns me off. Several times I've woken to an early alarm and found myself going back to sleep for several more hours. I've stopped listening to music I love or watching meaningful movies or tv shows. I don't want anything that could trigger sadness. But last night, when I was up until super late because I couldn't sleep, I watched a movie called Fathers & Daughters. It felt like the right movie at the right time. There were some messages in the film that I think I really needed to hear and allow myself to feel. I guess it's just taking little steps each day and being okay with whatever you manage.
Like I mentioned before about wondering when I'll ever feel normal or like the person I was before miscarriage, I expressed this to a work colleague, and she told me: "You'll never be who you once were and that can happen within minutes, not days, weeks, months, etc. Life changes, sometimes in bad ways but you can literally become a new version of yourself so easily without even realizing it. Don't try to go back and be who you once were, be the you that you want to be now. Try not to focus on past you, that's in the past for a reason. I'm not saying forget your babies and grief, I'm just saying stick to now and what's to come. Don't let the past swallow you up."
I wanted to share that with you in case you get anything from it.
My husband came home last night after running to the gas station and he gave me a hug and let out a huge shuddering sigh and I asked, "what's wrong?" and then he just started crying. I hugged him for a long time, and I just let him be the one that wasn't ok. He didn't want to talk about what he was thinking or what triggered his sadness, which I've come to understand is a normal reaction for men. I wanted to push for more, but I respectfully accepted what he was able to express to me. That was the first time I'd seen him cry since I was in surgery a few weeks ago for D&C. I guess it made me realize that he might be a zombie too, but just a different one. I feel angry at life because it feels really unfair that we have to suffer in this way and experience these feelings and everything that comes with losing your baby. But...what can you do? It's life.
February 11, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Also - excuse any typos or errors I made. I was typing very passionately and quickly. I had A LOT to say.
Thanks again, Heather. I enjoy talking to you. <3
Thanks again, Heather. I enjoy talking to you. <3
February 11, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Hi Ash,
I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond.
I am trying to pursue testing since all my miscarriages have happened back to back and at basically the same time. I hope it's ok to mention, and I'll just do it briefly, but I do have a living child (2.5 years).So, I think testing is important because it does feel like something is wrong or else why would I keep having miscarriages at 9-10 weeks after carrying a baby? The frustrating thing is I've been waiting for over a month for my general OBGYN to just put in the referral...it's so frustrating because I just want to start the testing process but I haven't even been referred yet! I continue to call and will continue to call until the specialists call me. I just wish it were easier.
I totally hear you on the voice telling you "you won't miscarry again, those were your two miscarriages and it'll work for you next time". I honestly think we have that voice because that's what we're told by our medical professionals and our family/friends. So many people in my life have told me anecdotally that they had a miscarriage then went on to have children, or doctors say just try again! It'll work out, statistically. But sadly we know that's not the case and that voice, at least for me, is no longer there. I am also terrified of trying again. My husband and I have both agreed that we are taking a break until we can do more testing to see if there are answers. But even then we can't be too hopeful because many couples never get an answer...
I really like what your colleague said. Especially the part about you are never going to be the same person. That's so true. Even little things change us daily. I talked with my husband more a few nights ago and he is just processing everything differently than me. I think I said it an earlier post, but he does not have any acute grief like I do. He can go days without thinking about it. His sadness comes when he thinks about the future. I read him a list of literally everything I think about daily about my body and the miscarriages, and it's ALOT. I know you understand. And I told him that I think I am angry with him that he isn't sad or angry like I am. And the difficult part here is I feel like I am carrying almost everything: the emotional weight, trying to arrange for specialist testing, keeping track of my cycle, and working full time in a demanding job. My brain and heart can't take anymore most days I just feel so spent.
This is just more to talk about in my therapy, ha! But truly that is helping.
How have you been the past week or so?
<3
I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond.
I am trying to pursue testing since all my miscarriages have happened back to back and at basically the same time. I hope it's ok to mention, and I'll just do it briefly, but I do have a living child (2.5 years).So, I think testing is important because it does feel like something is wrong or else why would I keep having miscarriages at 9-10 weeks after carrying a baby? The frustrating thing is I've been waiting for over a month for my general OBGYN to just put in the referral...it's so frustrating because I just want to start the testing process but I haven't even been referred yet! I continue to call and will continue to call until the specialists call me. I just wish it were easier.
I totally hear you on the voice telling you "you won't miscarry again, those were your two miscarriages and it'll work for you next time". I honestly think we have that voice because that's what we're told by our medical professionals and our family/friends. So many people in my life have told me anecdotally that they had a miscarriage then went on to have children, or doctors say just try again! It'll work out, statistically. But sadly we know that's not the case and that voice, at least for me, is no longer there. I am also terrified of trying again. My husband and I have both agreed that we are taking a break until we can do more testing to see if there are answers. But even then we can't be too hopeful because many couples never get an answer...
I really like what your colleague said. Especially the part about you are never going to be the same person. That's so true. Even little things change us daily. I talked with my husband more a few nights ago and he is just processing everything differently than me. I think I said it an earlier post, but he does not have any acute grief like I do. He can go days without thinking about it. His sadness comes when he thinks about the future. I read him a list of literally everything I think about daily about my body and the miscarriages, and it's ALOT. I know you understand. And I told him that I think I am angry with him that he isn't sad or angry like I am. And the difficult part here is I feel like I am carrying almost everything: the emotional weight, trying to arrange for specialist testing, keeping track of my cycle, and working full time in a demanding job. My brain and heart can't take anymore most days I just feel so spent.
This is just more to talk about in my therapy, ha! But truly that is helping.
How have you been the past week or so?
<3
February 22, 2022 |
Heather
Heather
Hi Heather,
I understand that desire for answers on what's going on with your body. I hope you are able to hear from a specialist and get on track to starting that process of testing. I hope that it brings you relief and reassurance, and that your losses were just terrible glitches in life that don't reflect on your body and its amazing abilities.
I have been waiting for my period to return. Sometimes I fear something is wrong with me, that I have infertility issues and other times I just really want to forget everything that happen.
My husband has begun a new phase of grief. Just when I thought he had moved beyond our loss, he shifted overnight and is now expressing different emotions I didn't expect to see from him. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to help be there for him. He is angry and bitter. Last night, he told me he feels really empty inside. It made me sad... I also feel this way, too, and don't want to be. I know I sound bitter when my mom calls me once a week and I update her on everything in my life. I tried to shoulder most of the trauma from the miscarriage from my husband. I delivered our 14-week baby alone with just the ultrasound tech and my dr. I don't regret doing that, especially seeing him in the state he is in now.
I am honestly really angry at life for putting me in these experiences. I think about the loss of my 14-week pregnancy and how bitter I feel having lost everything wonderful about that pregnancy. The only thing I got to bring home with me are medical bills. I'm a full-time college student and trying to juggle working when I can and paying off medical debt for a failed pregnancy is really upsetting. It's like you can't really forget what happened when you're submitting a monthly payment to pay off the emergency d&c...
I told my husband I regret both of my pregnancies. I feel terrible for feeling that way. He seemed to understand where I was coming from. I also think I disappointed him because I told him I needed more time before TTC. I don't want the stress of trying to have a baby then being pregnant and worrying about every little detail while I'm in school full time. I just want to focus on furthering my career at the moment before I add anything extra on my plate, but honestly, even though I feel like this is the RIGHT thing for me to do right now...I worry that if I wait too long, that it will be too late. That's exactly right about that voice. Everyone in my life has been pushing me to just try again, but this is coming from people who've never experienced this sort of loss. It's not only the loss and grief and depression, but the financial burdens that come with it. It's the feeling of sinking so low and losing control over everything you thought you had control over. No matter how many times I think I am doing ok, I am reminded somewhere inside of my head of this tragedy, and I worry about how things will turn out when I am pregnant again. I don't know how to handle it properly. It's too in the unknown and I think that's one of the worst parts of being pregnant. The unknown.
Don't worry about how long it might take you to respond. Life is happening. I appreciate our ability to communicate. I don't have anyone in my life to speak to about this, so it's nice having someone there who just gets it. <3
I don't know all the answers. But I think you and your husband are handling things right. I think it's really important to communicate with your partner after pregnancy loss. A few weeks after my d&c, my husband and I got into a fight about how we were each grieving and we ended up really confused and overwhelmed about what we were even fighting about, but we were able to conclude, once we calmed down, that we were just going through a lot and were able to discuss things openly. I think the good thing about communicating with your partner is the ability to be extremely open with someone who truly truly understands the loss you feel. Even if they express it differently, you're in the same boat...riding the same waves, but maybe you're doing most of the rowing and they're holding on to the sides of the boat for dear life. It's like that saying that sometimes you have to be the 80 percent while your partner is the 20 percent. Perhaps your ability to speak so openly about your grief and to be so proactive to seek testing for answers is something your husband appreciates and relies on.
It's strange feeling a desire to move on and attempt happiness, but I honestly don't think I'll ever be fully happy. I lost my baby...that I saw on the ultrasound with my own eyes - watched them wiggle and heard their heartbeat. I lost a big part of me. I pray that I'll one day get to enjoy the joys of pregnancy. I am hoping that taking time to complete school will put enough distance between my miscarriages and my next pregnancy. I really want to enjoy the next time I am pregnant. I told my husband that I am frightened of losing another baby and he feels the same way. I think we both silently agreed that the next time we are pregnant will be our last attempt. We honestly can't go through this stuff again. It's too much. It makes me feel heavy-hearted even typing this because I don't want there to even be the slightest chance that we could experience another miscarriage, but the reality of it is that we have zero control over what happens in our lives. We can't determine the outcome of our next pregnancy. All we can do is keep moving forward the best that we can. I feel like someone put me back together with the cheap scotch tape you can get from dollar tree...and with every step I take to move forward, a little part of me falls off and I have to scramble to tape it back on. I just hope with every fiber of my being that I can one day find contentment with my life, no matter what.
I am really glad you have a space where you can be heard. I am glad for you that you found a therapist to confide in. It's so important to take care of ourselves. I hope you find the sessions beneficial.
Other than everything I expressed above; I am okay. I work, I go to school, and I try to keep myself entertained when I am at home. Nothing really exciting at the moment. Pretty dull, to be fair. Each day sort of feels the same and I look forward to something really good happening.
Besides our regular discussions about how we feel about our losses, how is everything else going in your life? You have a 2.5-year-old. That's special. What sort of daily miracles do they bring to you? I am sure you find yourself appreciating little things that they do daily. <3
Take your time to respond. I am here. Always.
Ash
I understand that desire for answers on what's going on with your body. I hope you are able to hear from a specialist and get on track to starting that process of testing. I hope that it brings you relief and reassurance, and that your losses were just terrible glitches in life that don't reflect on your body and its amazing abilities.
I have been waiting for my period to return. Sometimes I fear something is wrong with me, that I have infertility issues and other times I just really want to forget everything that happen.
My husband has begun a new phase of grief. Just when I thought he had moved beyond our loss, he shifted overnight and is now expressing different emotions I didn't expect to see from him. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to help be there for him. He is angry and bitter. Last night, he told me he feels really empty inside. It made me sad... I also feel this way, too, and don't want to be. I know I sound bitter when my mom calls me once a week and I update her on everything in my life. I tried to shoulder most of the trauma from the miscarriage from my husband. I delivered our 14-week baby alone with just the ultrasound tech and my dr. I don't regret doing that, especially seeing him in the state he is in now.
I am honestly really angry at life for putting me in these experiences. I think about the loss of my 14-week pregnancy and how bitter I feel having lost everything wonderful about that pregnancy. The only thing I got to bring home with me are medical bills. I'm a full-time college student and trying to juggle working when I can and paying off medical debt for a failed pregnancy is really upsetting. It's like you can't really forget what happened when you're submitting a monthly payment to pay off the emergency d&c...
I told my husband I regret both of my pregnancies. I feel terrible for feeling that way. He seemed to understand where I was coming from. I also think I disappointed him because I told him I needed more time before TTC. I don't want the stress of trying to have a baby then being pregnant and worrying about every little detail while I'm in school full time. I just want to focus on furthering my career at the moment before I add anything extra on my plate, but honestly, even though I feel like this is the RIGHT thing for me to do right now...I worry that if I wait too long, that it will be too late. That's exactly right about that voice. Everyone in my life has been pushing me to just try again, but this is coming from people who've never experienced this sort of loss. It's not only the loss and grief and depression, but the financial burdens that come with it. It's the feeling of sinking so low and losing control over everything you thought you had control over. No matter how many times I think I am doing ok, I am reminded somewhere inside of my head of this tragedy, and I worry about how things will turn out when I am pregnant again. I don't know how to handle it properly. It's too in the unknown and I think that's one of the worst parts of being pregnant. The unknown.
Don't worry about how long it might take you to respond. Life is happening. I appreciate our ability to communicate. I don't have anyone in my life to speak to about this, so it's nice having someone there who just gets it. <3
I don't know all the answers. But I think you and your husband are handling things right. I think it's really important to communicate with your partner after pregnancy loss. A few weeks after my d&c, my husband and I got into a fight about how we were each grieving and we ended up really confused and overwhelmed about what we were even fighting about, but we were able to conclude, once we calmed down, that we were just going through a lot and were able to discuss things openly. I think the good thing about communicating with your partner is the ability to be extremely open with someone who truly truly understands the loss you feel. Even if they express it differently, you're in the same boat...riding the same waves, but maybe you're doing most of the rowing and they're holding on to the sides of the boat for dear life. It's like that saying that sometimes you have to be the 80 percent while your partner is the 20 percent. Perhaps your ability to speak so openly about your grief and to be so proactive to seek testing for answers is something your husband appreciates and relies on.
It's strange feeling a desire to move on and attempt happiness, but I honestly don't think I'll ever be fully happy. I lost my baby...that I saw on the ultrasound with my own eyes - watched them wiggle and heard their heartbeat. I lost a big part of me. I pray that I'll one day get to enjoy the joys of pregnancy. I am hoping that taking time to complete school will put enough distance between my miscarriages and my next pregnancy. I really want to enjoy the next time I am pregnant. I told my husband that I am frightened of losing another baby and he feels the same way. I think we both silently agreed that the next time we are pregnant will be our last attempt. We honestly can't go through this stuff again. It's too much. It makes me feel heavy-hearted even typing this because I don't want there to even be the slightest chance that we could experience another miscarriage, but the reality of it is that we have zero control over what happens in our lives. We can't determine the outcome of our next pregnancy. All we can do is keep moving forward the best that we can. I feel like someone put me back together with the cheap scotch tape you can get from dollar tree...and with every step I take to move forward, a little part of me falls off and I have to scramble to tape it back on. I just hope with every fiber of my being that I can one day find contentment with my life, no matter what.
I am really glad you have a space where you can be heard. I am glad for you that you found a therapist to confide in. It's so important to take care of ourselves. I hope you find the sessions beneficial.
Other than everything I expressed above; I am okay. I work, I go to school, and I try to keep myself entertained when I am at home. Nothing really exciting at the moment. Pretty dull, to be fair. Each day sort of feels the same and I look forward to something really good happening.
Besides our regular discussions about how we feel about our losses, how is everything else going in your life? You have a 2.5-year-old. That's special. What sort of daily miracles do they bring to you? I am sure you find yourself appreciating little things that they do daily. <3
Take your time to respond. I am here. Always.
Ash
February 25, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Ash,
Waiting for your period to return after a D&C is agonizing. I remember getting so worked up that mine wouldn't come back. That there was just too much scar tissue and I was one of the women who wouldn't get hers back. I hope you can find some hope in the waiting, and then when it does come, welcoming it as a sign of something new. I remember when I got mine (about 7 or 8 weeks after the D/C I can't quite remember) I thought to myself this is the happiest I have ever been to see my period! Because at that time it was a reminder that my body was healing and we could TTC again. But of course that was after just one miscarriage. And for you with this being your second one I completely understand your feelings of the anger and bitterness.
Isn't so crazy how most of us grow up thinking that pregnancy will lead to that precious, beautiful baby? Yes we know miscarriages and other things can happen, but they're rare. And now we are in that club that has had the veil pulled back and we see the cruel truth. It's still hard to come to terms with the fact that we are forever changed..
Yes, I hear you on the shouldering the trauma. Part of that is just by design as we are the ones who physically deal with it, and then in the time of COVID we have to be by ourselves for appointments and procedures, etc. And so many things can be triggers for us that aren't for our husbands. And that monthly payment you have is just one of them.
I think you and your husband are also doing things right, as best as you can. It sounds like you are open with each other and are discussing your feelings instead of bottling them up. I know that conversation about TTC again must have been difficult. It's like you want to have that hope and joy again, but then you remember that there is really no way you can have that hope and joy anymore. It's gone because of what you've gone through. I'll tell you that with this third pregnancy I was such a mess everyday. Running to the bathroom constantly to check for blood. And then when the blood came it was just like ok I was right. All my anxieties were there for a reason. And yes, just like you said, you want to enjoy your pregnancy, But how can you when you've been through the trauma. I don't know...
I truly hope that you and your husband can continue to have an open dialogue about your feelings and how to move forward. It's such a huge decision to TTC at anytime, and the fact that you are really taking time to think about it is good. It hurts my heart to hear about the regret you feel, but I absolutely understand and feel that too. It probably hurts me so much because you're like a mirror to my feelings!! I regret jumping into TTC, I regret letting my baby go down the toilet because I didn't know any better. I regret the stress and anxiety I had surrounding the 2nd and 3rd pregnancy because part of me feels like I didn't provide a strong womb for the babies because of that stress. I totally understand this regret..
My husband and I have appointments scheduled with our specialists so I am looking forward to that. It's hard not to have any expectations, but I am trying to be realistic because I know many couples never learn why. And just like you and your husband, we have to decide what our plan is going to be if we don't find answers. Do we try again? It's hard to fathom going through another miscarriage, but then again I said that after the first, and the second, and now here I am after the third...
I know we are stronger than we know, but I don't want to be. Why do we have to be tested in this way? That's the anger and bitterness coming out...
My life has been up and down, but mostly ok recently. Yes, my daughter is my light for sure. She is just everything. I have had some really hard times recently just due to the amount of pregnancy around me with coworkers and friends. But everyone has been understanding and knows my boundaries. But I can't help but think I am irreparably changing my relationships with certain friends because I can't be there for them through their pregnancy due to my own grief.
What are you studying in school? Have you been able to find something, even small, to enjoy daily? I have been looking forward to my squares of chocolate in the evening! Any new feelings or things that have come up since you last responded? <3
Waiting for your period to return after a D&C is agonizing. I remember getting so worked up that mine wouldn't come back. That there was just too much scar tissue and I was one of the women who wouldn't get hers back. I hope you can find some hope in the waiting, and then when it does come, welcoming it as a sign of something new. I remember when I got mine (about 7 or 8 weeks after the D/C I can't quite remember) I thought to myself this is the happiest I have ever been to see my period! Because at that time it was a reminder that my body was healing and we could TTC again. But of course that was after just one miscarriage. And for you with this being your second one I completely understand your feelings of the anger and bitterness.
Isn't so crazy how most of us grow up thinking that pregnancy will lead to that precious, beautiful baby? Yes we know miscarriages and other things can happen, but they're rare. And now we are in that club that has had the veil pulled back and we see the cruel truth. It's still hard to come to terms with the fact that we are forever changed..
Yes, I hear you on the shouldering the trauma. Part of that is just by design as we are the ones who physically deal with it, and then in the time of COVID we have to be by ourselves for appointments and procedures, etc. And so many things can be triggers for us that aren't for our husbands. And that monthly payment you have is just one of them.
I think you and your husband are also doing things right, as best as you can. It sounds like you are open with each other and are discussing your feelings instead of bottling them up. I know that conversation about TTC again must have been difficult. It's like you want to have that hope and joy again, but then you remember that there is really no way you can have that hope and joy anymore. It's gone because of what you've gone through. I'll tell you that with this third pregnancy I was such a mess everyday. Running to the bathroom constantly to check for blood. And then when the blood came it was just like ok I was right. All my anxieties were there for a reason. And yes, just like you said, you want to enjoy your pregnancy, But how can you when you've been through the trauma. I don't know...
I truly hope that you and your husband can continue to have an open dialogue about your feelings and how to move forward. It's such a huge decision to TTC at anytime, and the fact that you are really taking time to think about it is good. It hurts my heart to hear about the regret you feel, but I absolutely understand and feel that too. It probably hurts me so much because you're like a mirror to my feelings!! I regret jumping into TTC, I regret letting my baby go down the toilet because I didn't know any better. I regret the stress and anxiety I had surrounding the 2nd and 3rd pregnancy because part of me feels like I didn't provide a strong womb for the babies because of that stress. I totally understand this regret..
My husband and I have appointments scheduled with our specialists so I am looking forward to that. It's hard not to have any expectations, but I am trying to be realistic because I know many couples never learn why. And just like you and your husband, we have to decide what our plan is going to be if we don't find answers. Do we try again? It's hard to fathom going through another miscarriage, but then again I said that after the first, and the second, and now here I am after the third...
I know we are stronger than we know, but I don't want to be. Why do we have to be tested in this way? That's the anger and bitterness coming out...
My life has been up and down, but mostly ok recently. Yes, my daughter is my light for sure. She is just everything. I have had some really hard times recently just due to the amount of pregnancy around me with coworkers and friends. But everyone has been understanding and knows my boundaries. But I can't help but think I am irreparably changing my relationships with certain friends because I can't be there for them through their pregnancy due to my own grief.
What are you studying in school? Have you been able to find something, even small, to enjoy daily? I have been looking forward to my squares of chocolate in the evening! Any new feelings or things that have come up since you last responded? <3
March 3, 2022 |
Heather
Heather
Heather,
I'm so glad to see your response.
I feel like waiting for your body to regulate and get back to "normal" is filled with anxiety, regret and relief. It's a mixed emotional experience, but I am grateful to get over the hump of it all. I'm trying to work on being mentally, physically and emotionally healthy right now.
I've been thinking lately about the upcoming months and how, when I am pregnant again, I will handle it. I am taking time to really ensure that I'm fully recovered, however, I don't think I'll be able to ever escape the emotional turmoil pregnancy causes now that I am aware of the dark side of it. I envy women who've never experienced loss and have just had great pregnancies. I am hopeful I can enjoy being pregnant when I am again. I'm not sure when I'll be TTC - that scares me. I know you can ask for more frequent visits with your doctor and such, but I just worry about the what if's and having to endure more pain and disappointment. This is something that currently haunts me and probably will for some time now, and increase exponentially when I am pregnant again...
If you're comfortable, I'd love to hear how your appointments went with the specialist. What do you hope to learn? What options are considering for when TTC? Do you plan to try again?
I know exactly what you mean about the friendship and pregnancies part. I have a close work friend that was pregnant at the same time as me during my first one. I had a blighted ovum and when I told her what happened, I think it made her really uncomfortable. She recently just had her baby and when I finally told her about my second loss, I don't think she really knew how to respond, and it wedged something in-between us that I'm not sure we'll ever be able to recover from. I also feel this when I am around my brother who just had a baby in dec. I recently went to his baby shower a few weekends ago and saw his new baby and being surrounded by all of that was seriously hard for me. I felt disconnected from my body like I was present in my body but not conscious, if that makes sense. It was really hard to be excited about his new baby when the grief of losing mine hung over me like a dark cloud.
Sometimes when I am trying to go to sleep, I am reminded of when I had been lying in bed and my water broke. It makes it so hard for me to close my eyes.
I am currently going to school to be a dental hygienist. I am a dental assistant right now and decided I wanted to further my career and I am really grateful for this opportunity. I used to explain to my husband that being pregnant felt like a light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel. Losing my first pregnancy left me alone in that dark tunnel with no way of knowing which way would lead me out. I think that's why I had tried so quickly to become pregnant again. I was pregnant 3 months later. My first miscarriage was devastating but I didn't know that baby. It was just the dreams of what life would be like after. However, my second pregnancy - I knew that baby. I saw it on the ultrasound - heard their heartbeat, watched them wiggle and jump on the ultrasound. I felt my baby bump. Growing, the way it pronounced itself over the waistband of my pants. I looked forward to each week as I watched my stomach grow and grow. It really hit different losing that baby so I am super grateful that I was already in the hygiene program because I truly don't know what would have become of me had I returned home with nothing to look forward to. School really keeps me stay focused on the future and distracted from the past; I have something to look forward to that I really believe will bring some sort of happiness to my life, and hopefully will give me a better means of being even more financially stable to do everything I can to ensure I'm happily and healthily pregnant the next time around. I know I can't prevent anything, but...perhaps there is something I could do to help with the way I handle my mental state while being pregnant. I don't know.
To be honest, all I do is work on the days I don't have homework and then do homework on my off days. I start clinicals in April. I am truly looking forward to that. But I feel entirely numb. Like, I laugh and enjoy things and have normal conversations and wake up each day and do my very best, but it's like I'm not really here. I don't feel like my second pregnancy really happened. I don't know how to explain it. It just all feels so unreal. But I know it happened - I've tucked that grief and loss somewhere so deep inside of myself and I think that's resulted in feeling numb. I just exist. Maybe you understand exactly what I'm saying - it's truly comforting to speak to someone who really just gets it.
I guess what keeps me going is the promise of the future. Maybe you feel that too going to see a specialist. Like a bit of hope to cling on to? I am hopeful that I can finish school and really pursue a career that I am passionate about, that allows me to pursue every means to live a comfortable and happy life. I feel like a hundred doors have opened up when I got into school. I've had to think about the what ifs. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I do get pregnant and I miscarry again? What options are available for me to start a family? I have unused baby furniture collecting dust in my garage and I wonder so often if I'll ever get to use it or if I'll have to donate it to someone who will. It's crazy how you can have so much going on in your life - good or bad - and the center of all your focus is pregnancy. After you experience the loss of a pregnancy, no matter the circumstances, it becomes the center of your being. Like all you can think about is: when will it be my turn?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Ash <3
I'm so glad to see your response.
I feel like waiting for your body to regulate and get back to "normal" is filled with anxiety, regret and relief. It's a mixed emotional experience, but I am grateful to get over the hump of it all. I'm trying to work on being mentally, physically and emotionally healthy right now.
I've been thinking lately about the upcoming months and how, when I am pregnant again, I will handle it. I am taking time to really ensure that I'm fully recovered, however, I don't think I'll be able to ever escape the emotional turmoil pregnancy causes now that I am aware of the dark side of it. I envy women who've never experienced loss and have just had great pregnancies. I am hopeful I can enjoy being pregnant when I am again. I'm not sure when I'll be TTC - that scares me. I know you can ask for more frequent visits with your doctor and such, but I just worry about the what if's and having to endure more pain and disappointment. This is something that currently haunts me and probably will for some time now, and increase exponentially when I am pregnant again...
If you're comfortable, I'd love to hear how your appointments went with the specialist. What do you hope to learn? What options are considering for when TTC? Do you plan to try again?
I know exactly what you mean about the friendship and pregnancies part. I have a close work friend that was pregnant at the same time as me during my first one. I had a blighted ovum and when I told her what happened, I think it made her really uncomfortable. She recently just had her baby and when I finally told her about my second loss, I don't think she really knew how to respond, and it wedged something in-between us that I'm not sure we'll ever be able to recover from. I also feel this when I am around my brother who just had a baby in dec. I recently went to his baby shower a few weekends ago and saw his new baby and being surrounded by all of that was seriously hard for me. I felt disconnected from my body like I was present in my body but not conscious, if that makes sense. It was really hard to be excited about his new baby when the grief of losing mine hung over me like a dark cloud.
Sometimes when I am trying to go to sleep, I am reminded of when I had been lying in bed and my water broke. It makes it so hard for me to close my eyes.
I am currently going to school to be a dental hygienist. I am a dental assistant right now and decided I wanted to further my career and I am really grateful for this opportunity. I used to explain to my husband that being pregnant felt like a light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel. Losing my first pregnancy left me alone in that dark tunnel with no way of knowing which way would lead me out. I think that's why I had tried so quickly to become pregnant again. I was pregnant 3 months later. My first miscarriage was devastating but I didn't know that baby. It was just the dreams of what life would be like after. However, my second pregnancy - I knew that baby. I saw it on the ultrasound - heard their heartbeat, watched them wiggle and jump on the ultrasound. I felt my baby bump. Growing, the way it pronounced itself over the waistband of my pants. I looked forward to each week as I watched my stomach grow and grow. It really hit different losing that baby so I am super grateful that I was already in the hygiene program because I truly don't know what would have become of me had I returned home with nothing to look forward to. School really keeps me stay focused on the future and distracted from the past; I have something to look forward to that I really believe will bring some sort of happiness to my life, and hopefully will give me a better means of being even more financially stable to do everything I can to ensure I'm happily and healthily pregnant the next time around. I know I can't prevent anything, but...perhaps there is something I could do to help with the way I handle my mental state while being pregnant. I don't know.
To be honest, all I do is work on the days I don't have homework and then do homework on my off days. I start clinicals in April. I am truly looking forward to that. But I feel entirely numb. Like, I laugh and enjoy things and have normal conversations and wake up each day and do my very best, but it's like I'm not really here. I don't feel like my second pregnancy really happened. I don't know how to explain it. It just all feels so unreal. But I know it happened - I've tucked that grief and loss somewhere so deep inside of myself and I think that's resulted in feeling numb. I just exist. Maybe you understand exactly what I'm saying - it's truly comforting to speak to someone who really just gets it.
I guess what keeps me going is the promise of the future. Maybe you feel that too going to see a specialist. Like a bit of hope to cling on to? I am hopeful that I can finish school and really pursue a career that I am passionate about, that allows me to pursue every means to live a comfortable and happy life. I feel like a hundred doors have opened up when I got into school. I've had to think about the what ifs. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I do get pregnant and I miscarry again? What options are available for me to start a family? I have unused baby furniture collecting dust in my garage and I wonder so often if I'll ever get to use it or if I'll have to donate it to someone who will. It's crazy how you can have so much going on in your life - good or bad - and the center of all your focus is pregnancy. After you experience the loss of a pregnancy, no matter the circumstances, it becomes the center of your being. Like all you can think about is: when will it be my turn?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Ash <3
March 8, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Heather,
Maybe you don't check this anymore, but I hope everything is well and you are happy!! XO
You'll always be someone I think of. Thank you for being there for me when no one else could understand.
Love,
Ash
Maybe you don't check this anymore, but I hope everything is well and you are happy!! XO
You'll always be someone I think of. Thank you for being there for me when no one else could understand.
Love,
Ash
July 24, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Ash,
You're right. I completely got out of the habit of looking at this site. Starting in March after I dropped off this site, my husband and I began our testing process and it has been a long process, and with work and other life things I found myself not having any free time...
Since then I have changed my stressful work hours and am feeling so much happier!
How have you been doing? How are you feeling these days? I have been thinking about you too, and wonder where you are in your process/journey.
Thank you for writing to me. I want to get back into talking with you.
<3 Heather
You're right. I completely got out of the habit of looking at this site. Starting in March after I dropped off this site, my husband and I began our testing process and it has been a long process, and with work and other life things I found myself not having any free time...
Since then I have changed my stressful work hours and am feeling so much happier!
How have you been doing? How are you feeling these days? I have been thinking about you too, and wonder where you are in your process/journey.
Thank you for writing to me. I want to get back into talking with you.
<3 Heather
July 26, 2022 |
Heather
Heather
Hi Heather!
It is good to see your response. I almost didn't check the forum but then I had this feeling that I should. Glad I did.
I am glad you cut back on your hours and are feeling much happier. That is great. Mental health is just as important and physical.
I am doing well. I returned to college, and I'm full time in my school studies. it's been very rewarding and a lot of work. I appreciate the structure of a routine and schedule to follow. I feel it's something I desperately needed. I've been taking a break from any ideas of starting a family, for the moment, and it has been very healing to focus on my overall health and career. I am looking forward to graduating soon and beginning a new chapter.
What about you? Have you been able to relax more with the cut back in work hours?
Happy to have heard from you!
Ash
It is good to see your response. I almost didn't check the forum but then I had this feeling that I should. Glad I did.
I am glad you cut back on your hours and are feeling much happier. That is great. Mental health is just as important and physical.
I am doing well. I returned to college, and I'm full time in my school studies. it's been very rewarding and a lot of work. I appreciate the structure of a routine and schedule to follow. I feel it's something I desperately needed. I've been taking a break from any ideas of starting a family, for the moment, and it has been very healing to focus on my overall health and career. I am looking forward to graduating soon and beginning a new chapter.
What about you? Have you been able to relax more with the cut back in work hours?
Happy to have heard from you!
Ash
August 14, 2022 |
Ash
Ash
Thank you for reading my post and I apologize if it caused anyone additional grief.