When I was 15, I had my first cyst rupture on my ovary...this was the catalyst for my infertility. From transvaginal ultrasound and my blood work I had PCOS. The emergency room doctor, who was male, finished examining me and told me, "You will need help to get pregnant, you don't ovulate on your own and you have the "cluster pearl" look on your ovaries". I wasn't even sexually active yet, forget about being pregnant! As I matured and other young women around me went through puberty I realized I was the abnormal one (periods lasting 4 weeks, heavy bleeding, and vaginal pain with and without sex) so I read everything I could get my hands on about PCOS. This sparked my love for women's/Vaginal health!

Fastforward to around 2015, I had just started nursing school, and I noticed I was lactating out of one breast then my period came and I started passing clots, which is not my normal so I went to the OB/GYN and they thought that I had an early miscarriage based on my bloodwork but they couldn't tell if it was an actual pregnancy or chemical pregnancy, at this point I felt like I couldn't miss what I didn't know? Still there was a shame there for me...that I didn't carry this baby...or better...that my body didn't. I never really wanted to think too deeply about what that meant for me fertility wise, I just buried it

In May of 2021 I met an amazing partner, we both wanted to start a family...I could feel my PCOS diagnosis clawing its way from my stomach to my chest...scratching at my throat...settling my mouth like sand. I quickly murmured, "I have PCOS, it's a fertility thing...it might be harder for me to get pregnant...we might need help to get pregnant". My partner took to all in stride, he just nodded and smiled, "Don't worry about it, we have good insurance, and it might not be just you, I'm 36 and never had any kids so let's get my sperm checked." This was such a pivotal moment for me, it was full of my vulnerability, and he treated it well. I will always be thankful for that. My infertility has always made me feel less than and somewhat unworthy to have love, his acceptance made it easier for me to accept myself.

I quickly filled my Amazon shopping cart with an ovulation test, Myo-inositol, and prenatal vitamins! This was exciting! Which for me...was a huge fucking deal! I had always been afraid to want children because of PCOS, but now my mindset was "TO HELL WITH PCOS!!!". We planned a trip with his sister and her best friend to go to Las Vegas, and right before we left I started to cramp and have some discharge. Alas, my period had started again, no baby. I went to my partner to tell him, he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead…Getting your period when you are TTC is such a heavy blow. At least I had Vegas to take my mind off of it.

Now we are in Las Vegas! We are out exploring the city, but I’m not feeling my best. I thought that I had potentially contracted COVID while traveling to Las Vegas. We get in our room that evening and my partner in a hushed voice asks “Could you be pregnant?” Of course I’m not pregnant, I'm on my period…But I had only had some light pink spotting. “I’ll take a test in the morning, but I don’t think I am.” I didn’t want his hopes to get too high, because I probably wasn’t…

“Babe, have you taken a test?” I roll over and brush sleep from my eyes…”No, but I will.” I go into the bathroom and pee on a stick…except this time….I see 2 pink lines! I was in a state of shock, I called him into the bathroom, “Do you see two pink line” he nods, I feel like I’m going to faint, “Okay, get out” I quickly shoo him out the bathroom and text my best friend and a friend that’s a midwife. Everyone is in shock! I’m Pregnant! I quickly turn on my camera, I want to get his reaction! He is so happy, tears in his eyes…it was one of the best moments. We ran next door so he could tell his sister. It was really a joyous time for us. We got back home, he was wonderful during my pregnancy! Praying with me, ordering baby books, and fetching seltzer water and crackers. I still had feelings of shock that my body did this and I was worried that something would happen.

I woke up with slight cramping, grabbed my phone to do a google search and to text my midwife friend. Feeling reassured I go back to sleep, I wake up again now there is spotting. Even though I know it can be normal, something doesn’t feel right to me. I wake my partner up, and we go to the emergency room. We do blood work and finally an ultrasound, the ultrasound tech is so sweet, she even lets my partner come into the room. Then we see it, our little blob just blobbing around with it’s little heart beating and for a moment, I could breathe again. We held each other and were so thankful. I had to go back in 48 for a recheck, this time my Beta (HCG) did not double, as a nurse that has worked in this field for my whole career, I still didn’t understand. I had clinical knowledge but I could not apply it to myself. There was no critical thinking, I couldn’t even think. Our blob looked good on this ultrasound and my beta did rise just didn’t double, so I focused on the good.

We were on pelvic rest and I was too scared to do anything. Now we just had to wait til it was time for our 1st OB visit. The waiting was the hardest thing, I would just touch my belly and pray ro make it to that appointment. Finally it was here! We waited and waited and waited and finally it was our turn! I go pee and shimmy my undies and pants off and get on the table. The ultrasound tech is nice, the wand goes in and there is our blob, “Baby looks great!” My partner squeezes my hand and my heart is full.

We go back into the waiting room, happy, looking at our ultrasound pictures. I truly felt like I could finally relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Then they call our name to see the midwife, we are so damn happy. The midwife waddles with her pregnant belly, sit down and says “I’m concerned this will end in miscarriage” it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t have a panic attack in front of this woman! My poor partner thought he was going to kick the midwife out of the room. She goes on to explain different issues with my pregnancy and why she thinks it will end in miscarrage. I can’t speak, I hear my partner asking questions. Again, my body is going to let me down. It was too good to be true. Why did I even try!? My thoughts are swirling. I really can’t keep anything straight, then I hear “But your baby looks good today” and that's all I have to cling to. My partner tells me it's going to be okay, I have to come back in 2 weeks for another scan, to see if my baby is still there or I was to call them if I started to bleed.

Those 2 weeks were some of the longest days of my life, but I was so careful. I didn’t do anything, and I was proud of my body, no bleeding.My partner was a great support in this time, keeping my spirits up. It was finally time to go back, and I was indifferent. Either my baby was fine or my baby was going to be dead, those were the only two options. One of which is pretty shitty. The ultrasound tech brings in a medical student, and I know it is because there is a chance that she might get to see a missed miscarriage. I feel myself start to sweat, they step out so I can change. I look to my partner for comfort, “It’s going to be fine” I hop on the table and grab his hand. The medical student and the ultrasound tech come back in, she starts with the belly probe but quickly switches to the transvaginal probe, and I see her looking for the heartbeat…there is not one. I knew it. I just start to cry, my partner starts asking questions but I can’t really hear what he is saying, it's gone. My blob…My baby is gone. The step out to give us privacy we cling to each other. We go across the hall where another midwife greets us. She is much more personable, my mind goes into “fix it” mode. We have a very pointed conversation about my options, I want the D&C. My partner looks helpless, I worry for him. We finish setting up my surgical appointment and she steps out. I can look at the mementos met to honor my baby, I can’t really think, I just feel defeated. I tried so hard. I wanted my baby. I wanted to start a family.

We check out, and get into the car. I tell my partner, “We are not going to cry all day, this sucks and we are going to get something good to eat!” He smiles weakly, and takes me to my favorite breakfast place. After our meal we drive home and the calls from our families’ start rolling in. The feelings of inadequacy and failure set in. I don’t want anyone to know. My partner handles most of the calls making it easier on me.

The next morning, it’s time for surgery. I added a couple more things to my hospital bag. I have always been the nurse not the patient so it feels foregin to me. It was a yucky rainy day, that at least made me feel better as it was a somber day. I remember feeling like I was marching to my own doom, I was saying goodbye to my baby. My baby that I would never get to feel kick in my belly, or hold, or smell the inside of their neck for baby smell…all of that was gone. Being in the room by myself was horrible, I was so thankful when they let my partner back…Now I could put on my brave face and make jokes and laugh with my doctors and nurses. Before they left to take me back I asked to kiss my partner, this was the last time we 3 would all be together. The burn of the anesthesia medications was all I remembered before waking up in the PACU.

I felt hollow. I knew my baby was gone, but why did it hurt so much? I think the pain of losing a baby is so visceral that it never leaves you. Both my Anesthesiologist and the OB both shared stores of their miscarriages with me and it is bitterweet. I could identify with what they went through but because I was still in the thick of my loss while they had come out the other side.

I have always wanted to be a mom and this loss made me question that. I am grateful for the growth, I just hate the journey I went on. I am still finding myself after my miscarriage but in honoring it, I am honoring myself and my partner. I want to have a happy healthy pregnancy and I am sure I will.

One Day

Dear Rose,

After my miscarriage I had such similar feelings. The feeling of being hollow and the seemingly never ending pain. Though the pain is still here for me, and every morning I’m reminded of what has happened, I’m beginning to manage it in a healthier way. I’m still mourning, as I assume you are as well, but just know you’re not alone. I’m here for you.
One day, Rose. You are so strong.

E.