It’s been a month and 19 days after I lost my baby. I didn’t know I had her until she was gone. I lost her, it was mere moments. I had an idea, I had the feeling, but I was so scared to confirm her existence that by the time I tried to she was gone. I feel so guilty. I should’ve acted on my thoughts, it would’ve given me more time. Even if it ended the same, with my baby not being here any longer, I still ache for the moments I could’ve had with her. I beg for just a few more hours. I feel so guilty for not being able to keep her safe. If I just confirmed that she was here I could’ve done something to keep her safe. I could’ve given her father more time with her, any time at all. It feels like I stole every second away from him. I know it tears him up inside and I can’t live with myself knowing he’s hurt over something I could’ve at least tried to prevent. She would still be here. She would be ours. I could’ve taken care of her, I would give up every single second for her. I would give her the world, the stars, the sun. She is my sun. It’s so hard to grieve, I feel so guilty. It’s like I’ll never find peace. I’ll always hate myself. I will always blame myself. It hurts to get out of the bed in the morning, and it hurts even more knowing I have to pretend I’m okay and that nothing happened.
I’m so sorry my baby girl. I love you.

I cried reading this. I cried because I feel the exact same way. I was 14 weeks and went into preterm labor. As I felt my baby being delivered, I cried and shut down inside. I knew better than to expect success, but I had started to feel excited and looking forward to the kind of mother I wanted to be. I dreamt of all the things I would do for my baby. Now those dreams are gone - stolen from me and I don't know why. Staring at my beautiful baby on the ultrasound picture just makes me weep so I tucked them into a safe place where I can find them later when I can look again.