I haven’t ever done anything like this. But I need Advice, guidance, anything. I just feel completely alone.
I lost my son in April of 2021. I’m still grieving the loss of him. But we are expecting another son and he is due in April of this year. I’m feeling so many different emotions, so much guilt, worry, pain, the feelings of betrayal and so much more. I’m not really sure anymore. I was wondering if anybody else has been through this? Any advice? Anything?

T,
You are not alone. So many of us here have been through the hell of losing a child and are still here moving through life and able to support others earlier in their journey. I lost my second child, Sam, in 2008 and then went on to have two miscarriages and then a healthy son in 2010. In many ways he helped to heal my heart. He arrived to tell me that I wasn't broken, that I could be a mom again. Everything was so vivid with him. In some ways it still is and now he's 11 years old! He's my wise, old soul. There will always be some guilt and pain because of all you've been through, but I hope you will feel some mending in your heart after your baby arrives. You deserve it.

Hugs and love to you.

Jenny

Being pregnant after a loss or losses can be very very hard. I found myself disassociating from it in an attempt to protect myself if it all went wrong. Just do whatever helps to get you through. Breaking it up into small chunks, like I’ll just get through this day, or even this hour, can help to make it manageable. Your feelings are all understandable, but please know that you aren’t betraying your son. I found CBT helped me a lot. While searching for a good therapist, I bought a book and worked through the exercises, which really did help me to tackle the overthinking and worry.

I just want to end by responding to the comment above. I guess you would consider me broken - I lost two babies and was never able to have another child to help me heal. I just wanted to say this for anyone reading who can’t have another baby: there is still hope for a positive and fulfilling life. When you’re healing from the trauma and sadness of the death of your precious child, it can be very damaging to constantly read how having a ‘rainbow’ made everything right again. I’m still a mother, and always will be. But I did still find joy without having another baby, and you can too.

Hi T,

I lost my son April 2019, and just had another boy a few months ago. I went through all of the same emotions as you, and honestly I still struggle sometimes. I found the beginning and end of my pregnancy the hardest, because I was so afraid of losing another child (my son had died just after birth, so I was terrified to give birth again) and my grief just seemed amplified by all of the pregnancy hormones. Now that my son is here, I find myself constantly thinking "I should have had this already" and wondering what it would have been like if my other son survived. My only advice would be to try to be grounded in the moment as much as you can - focus on the beautiful baby growing in your belly but find ways to honor your son who passed. We used names for our baby that mean "gift", because we feel like he is a gift from the son we lost. You are not alone. I will be thinking of you this April. I know that must make it so much harder that he is due around the one-year anniversary of your loss. That first anniversary can be really hard, so be kind to yourself.

Sending so much love your way.

I think this is a super important discussion thread. Maya- the point you raise is such a crucial one. I think that healing can come in so many different forms. For some that may mean a subsequent living child while for others that may mean something else. I think that the loss of our children changes us in a way that nothing could ever truly undo and maybe acceptance of that might bring peace?? Sorry this is not so eloquently written- I haven't had my coffee yet :).

Not sure why my comment came up as written by Maya. Should say Meg!

Thank you for expressing what I’m feeling.
I’m pregnant after a full term loss of my first daughter.
I’m grateful to be pregnant - I didn’t know if it would happen.
I’m terrified I’ll lose this baby and so sad for my daughter too.
My days are filled with a rollercoaster of emotion but mainly terror.
And so much sadness too.

I personally understand how you feel because I am petrified of TTC. I miscarried on Jan 21st at 14 weeks. I was just starting to believe in the pregnancy...was just starting to trust it and open up. I am scared all of the time now when I think about trying again. I worry that I will never carry to full term. I worry that I will struggle time and time again. I worry that I will be disappointed. I imagine that I could live a fulfilling life without ever having baby and I appreciate Maya's post, but I also don't want to have to. I want to have a baby so bad and I feel like that dream keeps getting ripped away from me. I've had two miscarriages and it is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt in my life. I am so so sorry to anyone who has experience MC or the loss of their baby. <3