I lost my baby at 7 weeks due to a miscarriage. I lost my baby in October and honestly, I don’t know how to feel better. I just feel like I’m dying. Sometimes I can feel a little okay, but then I just feel totally submerged in this sadness. It’s so hard not to miss my baby. I’m 18 and it’s been hard to talk to family about my miscarriage. They tried to be supportive, but responded in ways that made it feel worse. I remember coming home a few days into my miscarriage and my mother told me that “at least I don’t have to deal with annoying pregnancy symptoms anymore”. I would rather deal with all of the pregnancy symptoms and still have my sweet little baby growing inside of me instead of them being gone. I feel so alone. My boyfriend is extremely supportive and we’ve been together for over 2 years, but I feel like I can’t connect with anyone about this, not even him. He didn’t find out I was pregnant until the day I started miscarrying so he didn’t have a lot of time to connect with our baby. This has made it hard for me to grieve. I feel like no one understands my pain, that heart wrenching pain where you could just scream and cry until you pass out. I have never felt anything so emotionally painful in my life. Losing a child feels like you’re dying. It feels like a part of me has been ripped out of my body and I had no choice at all. I knew I was pregnant for only 4 days before I miscarried. I think that in that small amount of time, I had already felt like a mother, I had felt connected to my baby and that I loved my baby instantly. I knew that I was going to be the best mom I could. Even though my baby is gone, I still feel like I’m a mother. I do have a child, they just can’t be here with me and it’s heartbreaking.
I can’t help but blame myself for what happened. The doctors and my family keep telling me that it was most likely something wrong with the baby and my body just knew and removed my baby from my body. But what if I did something wrong. It’s so hard to deal with all the what ifs, especially with my unborn baby. What would they have been like, looked like, sounded like? Would they have been a boy or a girl? I’ve been trying so hard to stay connected to my baby. I was one week away from having my first ultrasound. I don’t know if that would have helped me or not, but I wish I could have seen them at least. When I was miscarrying, I was in a lot of physical pain, but it’s like I didn’t even care about taking care of myself in that moment. I just wanted my baby to stay. I didn’t care about how much I was bleeding or how much my body hurt, all I cared about was my baby.
I see family and friends around me getting pregnant and having their babies and it’s hard not to feel sad and jealous. Of course I’m happy for them and hope they have a healthy pregnancy, but it’s hard not to be upset about the baby I lost. I can’t stop thinking about what could have been.
My family and my boyfriend’s family try to help by saying “at least you know you can get pregnant”, “you can always try later”, “it just wasn’t time yet”, etc., but it’s so hard to listen to. It doesn’t help, it just makes me want to scream and say “but I want this baby back”. I can’t wait to have more children in the future when we actually try, but my future children are not going to get rid of the one we lost. Our baby will always be gone and it’s making me crazy thinking about not being able to hold them or see them.
I just want my baby back.

People are really terrible at dealing with Grief. I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. Family and friends who just want to offer comfort stumble over what to say, when there is nothing to say to make it better. You have died a little bit, I get it. There's no "making it right, or better". There is only the pain from it all. It will ebb and flow for the rest of your life. That's the facts. It sucks. I hate it myself. I'm on a similar journey. The pain is too much sometimes but somehow I still manage to breath. And I find the pain ebbs away slowly - if only for a moment. I find people always want to know if I'm "having enough good days?" They don't understand that there are no "good days". The giant love you had now has to share it's space with pain... so much sorrow - this is Grief. It's not bad or good - it's what is left when you've experienced a huge love - and then lost it. There are only days when we Grieve a lot or Grieve a little.

I thank you for saying that. It’s hard to find people that understand how I’m feeling. It truly does feel like I’m suffocating sometimes. It’s so hard not to feel in pain all the time. There’s nothing that will help heal my heart right now and fill that hole in myself. Losing my child, Cameron, has made life feel so unbearable, but you kind of have to push through it for the other people around you. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay as to not be a burden to the others in my life. But I don’t feel okay. I lost my baby and they’re not coming back. I don’t feel like the same person I used to be, just someone pushing through the days. It’s hard when there’s constant reminders of the child I no longer have. I don’t know what to do.

E, I wish I had a "silver lining" for you, but I struggle finding one these days. All I can say is, I can relate to the immense pain, and I'm sorry this is something you, and I, and anyone has to go through. It isn't fair. It is isn't natural. It's not supposed to happen this way. We are supposed to have pregnancies that end with us taking our precious babies home. I want to rage against the world because for some of us - we don't get the happy endings. I can tell you how I spend my days, but it may not help. While there are others who've had a similar loss, we all experience it differently. No one can tell you how you should feel or what you should be doing. You have to do what honors you, your pain, and your loss. I know this to be 110% true, even though I don't know much of anything else these days.

Hi,I wish I could give you a big hug. I can honestly say that I understand what you are going through. I had a miscarriage in October 2020. People ask how I am and my response is okay. Okay to me is able to function but not much more. I feel like I can't breath at times from the amount of pain. I feel like I was headed somewhere on a train that completely derailed and now I am left picking up the crash. But everyone moves on like nothing happened. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I say that from the bottom of my sorrowful heart. People say the dumbest things around grief. And I agree, it does hurt and makes it worse! My dad told me "don't let it get you down" and my mom said "at least your baby won't be all deformed". I have you in my heart, E

Thank you for saying all of that, both of you. I feel like I just can’t stop crying. I’m so exhausted from feeling broken down and depressed. I want my sweet baby Cameron back. The days just feel heavier and heavier lately and I honestly don’t know how to survive it.

I am so sorry E that you are going through all of this. I know I can't say anything to make you feel better or bring your sweet baby Cameron back but I sincerely have you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story, your grief. I know at times it feels like you can't make it from the pain, the exhaustion. Instead of taking it day by day, I started taking it moment by moment as that seemed a little more manageable with a lot of journaling, wailing in the lonely nights, and eventually seeing a therapist which I am just now starting to talk about it. Hugs to you E.