I’ve been reading this forum quite a lot since my babies died. It’s been so helpful to hear my experiences reflected and know that I am not alone. My babies died from a suspected genetic condition which the doctors say is likely to happen in 1/4 babies we have. At this point I’m in my mid thirties and wondering what to do next. We struggled with infertility before our pregnancies. I honestly just don’t know if I can take the death of another baby. The grief I feel at losing my babies has been extreme. I would give anything to see them again and be the mom I wanted to be for them. But I know that’s possible.

Has anyone out there decided not to try again and move forward without living children?

Hugs to all

Hi S.O.,

First, I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. I'm so sorry for this unfair unluckiness you've experienced. I've often felt so frustrated by the unfairness of having even more bad luck on top of the death of a child - shouldn't we get a free pass after that? But that's not how things work for some of us.
There is actually a discussion board just for your situation here on Glow, it's the one called "not TTC/infertility after loss" It may be somewhat less trafficked these days but it is full of people in your same situation. Mrs. Spit who used to be a writer on here has a blog that she still maintains with a post about her decision to stop TTC. I hope you are able to connect with other parents like you.
Hugs to you,
Nori

I found the Mrs Spit post I was thinking of: http://mrsspit.ca/?page_id=3702

Thank you Nori - I really appreciate your kindness and sharing that link with me. When so much has gone so wrong, it’s hard to figure out what I want for the future. I’ll take a look at what Mrs. Spit has to say.

Hugs.

S.O., I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. From what I've seen from talking to baby loss moms during these six years since my Nadia died, it seems to me that some liberation comes with the decision to stop trying. And some comes from trying and succeeding. But that period in between, when you don't know, when you can't know if it will go well, that's the hardest part.

I also wanted to say that my second child had a genetic condition, and there was a chance that her future siblings would die of it too. In Oxford, I've been offered non-invasive (blood) tests to check if babies in later pregnancies have the fatal gene. It took some lab work on both myself and my husband prior to getting pregnant - several months in fact - but then when I was pregnant the test could be carried out within a week towards the end of the first trimester. I know that it would have been devastating to abort if things had gone wrong, but I still think that would have been easier than the death of a baby that I felt moving around inside me for many months. Luckily, we didn't have to make that choice because the next baby spontaneously stopped growing earlier, and the one after was healthy. Perhaps you have already asked around, perhaps it is not an option for you, in which case I apologize. But I thought it would be best if I mentioned it, just in case you haven't explored that path.

Ana, thank you for sharing your experience. For us, it’s not possible to do a test at an early stage, so our only option is to try and hope for the best. But the worst case scenario is another stillbirth. It’s hard to accept that that is a possible outcome. That’s why I’ve been exploring what life might be like if I accept that I won’t have any living children. In time, I only hope I can come to a place of peace one way or another.