After about 3.5-4 years of marriage, Jordan and I decided that I would go off birth control and “if it happened, it happens” regarding trying for a baby. I wasn’t totally surprised that we didn’t get pregnant with this method and in late 2019/early 2020 (I believe pre-pandemic) we decided to try to get pregnant more earnestly. I tracked my cycle, took my temperature, tried a special watch that measures multiple different factors, and used ovulation tracking urine tests in an attempt to conceive.

After 6-7 months of “trying” trying, we were worried something was wrong. My sister was never able to conceive naturally, through IUI nor through IVF (they adopted a beautiful baby boy, my nephew Rémy in 2019) and I was concerned that the same fate awaited us. Jordan went to a urologist in late summer to get things checked out, we figure it was easier for him to start that process (less invasive) and it turned out that he had a varicocele which was perhaps the cause of our issues. In September of 2020, Jordan underwent a surgery to repair the varicocele and I started my consultation with a fertility specialist. We had to wait several weeks to have sex again and were told that we may not see changes in Jordan’s sperm quality for about 2-3 months. While we waited for this, my fertility results came up relatively inconclusive. I had the “potential” of a diminished ovarian reserve but it didn’t seem like the final nail in the coffin. My fertility specialist also believed that we could have started IUI or IVF without Jordan having the corrective surgery.

We decided to proceed with fertility treatment after trying to conceive naturally once more in December of 2020. My rubella immunity ended up being undetectable so I had to receive the MMR booster in late December which meant we couldn’t try in January (live vaccine). Our first treatment was then set for the beginning of my next cycle. I got my period at the end of January and started on clomid shortly after. I was instructed to monitor my cycle via an ovulation urine kit and based on that we did IUI on February 10th of 2021. We were also instructed to have sex before and after the procedure to “drive it home”. After the two week wait, we found out I was pregnant on February 24th.

I had several early ultrasounds at the fertility clinic given we had conceived via IUI. The first ultrasound was too early, the baby was too small to detect a heartbeat. The second ultrasound found a heartbeat, but also detected a small bleed which needed to be monitored and I was instructed not to exercise intensely (difficult for me as an avid crossfitter). The third ultrasound found that the bleed was much smaller and the heartbeat still strong and I “graduated” from the fertility clinic to a regular OB. Each of these early ultrasounds found that the baby measured 3 days behind the fertility clinics conception date of Feb. 10th, but within normal range.

Around the time I “graduated”, the early pregnancy symptoms kicked in. I had sore breasts, extreme fatigue, some nausea and food aversions. But we were very happy that I was finally pregnant. Jordan was so excited when we downloaded a pregnancy tracking app and we saw (very early on, before “graduating”) that the mass of cells was called a blastocyst that he started calling the little ball of cells “Blasty”. The name stuck and we called this ball of cell Blasty from this point forward.

Most of my pregnancy was relatively uneventful. However, while I was so happy and grateful to be pregnant, I did not love how I looked or felt. I was concerned about weight gain, about losing my fitness, about losing my identity. I started therapy relatively early in my second trimester to try to head off some of these issues. I had to stop weighing myself at home and worked on accepting that it was ok to not enjoy pregnancy, I could still be happy to be pregnant, for the end goal of expanding our family.

Our 20 week ultrasound was the first appointment Jordan was able to attend due to covid. It was so wonderful to be able to go to this appointment together. The baby (who we found out was a girl in our earlier cell free dna analyses) looked perfect, but measured about a week behind the estimated due date. The doctors were again, not overly concerned about this due to the earlier ultrasound measurements. The only issue they saw was that my placenta was low lying, which could cause an issue if there was bleeding or perhaps necessitate a c-section if it didn’t migrate upwards. So we were asked to come back for a growth scan at 32 weeks.

We decided to take a vacation before the baby, a babymoon if you will (I hate that phrase). We went to the Yucatán for 4 nights, we had a lovely time even though the time of year had a big seaweed issue on the actual beach. It was so nice to get out of the country after 18+ months of semi-isolation from covid. Unfortunately, i somehow picked up hepatitis a while we were there. My symptoms didn’t kick in until we got back home but I was sick for over a week. We finally went to the ER for pregnancy after 5 days (yes, I called the doctor multiple times before this) where I was monitored and finally diagnosed with HepA. Fortunately, everything was perfectly fine with Blasty and HepA will eventually pass and not cause issues with pregnancy in most cases. I was overly tired for a week or two after but also getting on into my 3rd trimester at this point. We were not overly concerned, nor were my providers, and Blasty was moving around like crazy at this point. There is a very small chance of pre-term labor but again, my providers were not very concerned.

At my 32 week scan, Blasty looked great but was measuring in the 11th percentile for size. The doctors started to express some concern that she could be small for gestational age which could come with some potential issues with placental transfer of blood and nutrients. At first, I was very concerned. After talking with my mother, I learned that both my sister and I were small babies and I learned that the ultrasound scans can have quite a bit of error regarding size. Everything looked normal with blood flow from the placenta on the scan. However, they did ask me to come back in 3-4 weeks to ensure the baby’s growth was still on track.

A few days before Blasty was 36 weeks in, we went back for another scan. This time, she was in the 9th percentile. The doctors asked that I start coming in for twice a week non-stress tests to ensure everything was on track as she now fell below their 10th percentile cut off. They also wanted to induce me at 39 weeks as there were some fears that there could be issues with the placenta. Perhaps the placenta was becoming prematurely old and not able to deliver nutrients properly.

I was very annoyed with all of this. Blasty was moving all the time, I had gained over 30lbs at this point in my pregnancy, and nothing else was wrong on the scans or with my health besides Blasty measuring small for gestational age. I knew the data from the scans could be off and had read further scientific papers about induction for solely SGA not necessarily leading to better outcomes. At this point, I was also set on doing my best to have a non-medicated birth and I knew that medical induction made the pain of childbirth much more intense and we learned in our birth class that you didn’t get the positive feedback loop from the naturally produced oxytocin that naturally progressing labor provides.

I did the non-stress tests for the next couple weeks, everything looked great! The amniotic fluid was appropriate, she moved so much during monitoring (and otherwise), Blasty was perfect as usual. We were getting prepared for birth, we finished our birth class, got her room all set up, and I got things for maternity leave in order. I was all set to wrap up work in the next week and half to two weeks and get ready to be induced the day before Halloween. I was trying to see if I could get things moving naturally on my own at this point. I ate dates and was going to acupuncture. I was also trying to enjoy the last few baby free weeks. Even though I was pretty uncomfortable at this point, I was still able to go out to see friends and prepare meals for us in the weeks postpartum.

Sunday October 17th, we went to our close friend’s daughter’s first birthday party. Everything was fine, Blasty was moving a lot as per usual. I did get pretty tired towards the end of the party (not surprising, I was almost 38 weeks pregnant at this point). Jordan and I went home to get settled for the week. I wasn’t feeling great so I decided to take a bath to relax. I felt Blasty move a lot in the tub but it seemed pretty normal. After my bath, we were relaxing on the couch and she wasn’t moving like usual. I was a bit concerned but she has been moving so much earlier, Jordan and I thought she just may be taking a nap and I went to bed around 10:30/11.

I woke up at about 12:45am (now Monday October 18) to go to the bathroom. I noticed that Blasty still wasn’t moving and when I tried to lie back down, I started to grow concerned. I got up, went downstairs to drink some ice water and eat something a little sugary (grapes that day) to see if I could get her to move. I sat and waited for almost an hour and never felt anything more than hiccups. At this point, I was very upset. I woke Jordan up about 2am and immediately started crying because she wasn’t moving. We grabbed my hospital bag and Jordan grabbed a few things and we headed to the PETU (the same place we went when I had HepA and is connected to the labor and delivery suite and Pennsylvania Hospital).

When we arrived in the PETU after checking in close to 3am, they immediately started an ultrasound. Blasty did have some gross body movements and her heart rate looked strong. The midwife who had done the scan asked if I felt certain movements, which I did, and she seemed to become less worried. Jordan and I breathed a big sigh of relief. They still wanted to monitor a bit longer so they hooked me up for a non-stress test. I was hooked up to this for much longer than usual (I had done about 4 non stress tests at this point). The resident came in and mentioned that my baby’s heart rate was a bit high and they weren’t seeing much variation. They wanted to start a biophysical ultrasound where they watch for movement and the baby’s practice breaths.

They started the biophysical ultrasound to monitor the baby. The process took about 30-45 minutes and they weren’t seeing any practice breaths. The doctors at this point were concerned and told us that the baby needed to come out that day. The resident preforming the scan went to talk to the attending about if Blasty looked like she could handle me being induced or if she needed to be delivered by C-section. They came back in the room and let us know that the baby needed to be delivered by c-section because it didn’t look like she would be able to handle a long labor. From this point, everything moved incredibly quickly. I had Jordan call my dad to let him know we were going in for the c-section and they came into the room to prep me to go to the OR.

They brought Jordan to the recovery room to get into scrubs and wheeled me straight into the OR. I received a spinal block and they got me set up for the c-section. They brought Jordan in to sit behind the drape that separated my head, shoulders and arms from my lower body. I could feel the pressure of the incision, but not the pain, as they cut through my skin, abdomen and uterus. They placed pressure onto Blasty as they pulled her out through the incisions. I could feel her being pulled from me and I turned to Jordan to tell him so. I must have seemed very scared.

Adelynn Ruth Teitelbaum was born at 6:45 am weighing 6lbs 6oz (not small for gestational age!!!) and 19.5 inches long. Once she was out, Jordan and I waited to hear her cry. This was agonizing. She let out a few weak cries but they ultimately stopped. I don’t remember them saying anything to us while this was happening and I was starting to shake from the spinal. Finally, they called Jordan over to see her. They had Addie on a breathing tube and wanted to take her down to the NICU. They wheeled her over so I could see her and touch her sweet little face before they took her downstairs to the NICU. They finished stitching me up and took Jordan and me to the recovery room.

A nurse attended to me in the recovery room while we waited to hear news of Adelynn. Her pediatrician and another doctor came to see us after maybe 30 minutes. It was clear that Addie’s prognosis was not positive from the moment they walked into the room. They told us that it seemed like she had been cut off from oxygen at some point in utero, relatively recently, but not during or immediately before delivery. Adelynn was now hooked up to a ventilator and they began a cooling process and a continuous EEG to monitor her brain activity. At this point, we needed to wait to see if she would show signs of breathing on her own and brain activity.

I suspect that the cutoff happened either while I was in the bath or shortly there after. I do not believe it was due to the bath (nor did the doctors) or anything else that I did. I still feel immensely guilty that I could not protect my daughter from this oxygen cutoff, but I do realize that I could have done nothing to prevent it from happening.

After I was cleared to move from the recovery room to my own hospital room to recuperate, we first visited the NICU to see our daughter. We got to hold her little hands and study her face. She had the cutest little freckle on her nose and it was pretty clear that she looked a lot like me. It was very hard to see her hooked up to monitors and the ventilator but it felt so terrible to have to be rolled away from her and taken to recover separately.

The next hours were spent trying to recover. My c-section was pretty standard and the nurses were pleased every time they checked on me. Later in the afternoon on Monday, I was allowed to visit Addie again (Jordan had been already and had begun playing her music from a playlist that he made for her while I was pregnant). I was also collecting colostrum via pumping and we would used a small cotton swab to put it on the insides of her cheeks. This effort seemed so futile but I felt compelled to keep pumping and giving her the colostrum.

I couldn’t stop touching her sweet soft skin and kissing her little hands every time we visited her in the NICU. I loved her immediately and so intensely. Seeing Jordan with her made me love him more than I thought possible. I hate that our short moments as a family were spent in a hospital but I would not trade those memories.

Our good friend Glenn came to see us that evening in the hospital. It was nice to have a little distraction and we needed someone to be there with us. Jordan went down to the NICU while I pumped and tried to urinate for the first time without a catheter (ummm, it was slow going). Jordan talked with Adelynn’s doctor a bit and there had not been any changes in her brain activity or ability to breath on her own. She’d been on the cooling protocol for about 11-12 hours at this point. We already knew at this point that she was going to have an extended NICU stay if she was able to make it, but now I was fairly confident that we would never leave the hospital with her.

After saying goodnight to Addie in the NICU, we tried to get some sleep. This was fraught and we barely slept. Jordan went down to the NICU in the middle of the night and I tried to pump more. I came down again in the morning to give her more colostrum and love on her. Sometime mid-morning, we talked to Addie’s doctor again. She had made no improvements overnight. They gave us a few options, we could try to do an MRI now to see if that would give any answers, we could finish the cooling and rewarming protocol and then do an MRI to see if that gave any further answers, or we could take her off the ventilator. The doctor explained to us that no matter which path we chose, she would never have any quality of life if she survived. Getting an early MRI seemed like it wouldn’t give any answers, finishing the cooling and rewarming protocol seemed like torture for both us and our baby as it would add at least 72 more hours of waiting for more terrible news. After considering our options and discussing with the doctor and social worker. We decided to take Adelynn off the ventilator that day. Adelynn’s doctor wholeheartedly agreed with our decision and made us feel like we were doing the right thing for our baby.

After we made this impossible decision, we went to see our baby in the NICU for the last time. They had taken the EEG monitors off her head and we were able to put on the hat my mother made for her. She looked so cute in this little knit cap and I was so glad we had packed it for her. We were both able to finally hold our baby, more than 30 hours after she was born. Skin to skin with my sweet girl was honestly one of the best sensations I’ve ever felt. Even though she was on the ventilator, I will always cherish being able to cuddle my baby girl. Jordan also did skin to skin with her and he looked so natural. I’m so sad he was only able to hold her for a short while. I carried her for over nine months and he only had 37 hours with her.

When it was time to say goodbye, they brought her to our room so we could have privacy. They took our girl off the ventilator and put her in my arms. It was the first time I saw her face without tubes in her mouth. She looked so beautiful, I couldn’t believe how cute she was. Curly brown hair, chubby cheeks, the cutest nose… They left us with her and we cried, kissed her cheeks and said goodbye. It took some time for her heart to stop but the hour and a half it took felt more like two minutes. Jordan helped Addie’s nurse take impressions of her foot and after a few more kisses and tears, the nurse took our now deceased daughter away for her first and only bath.

So now we have to heal. My baby went from perfectly healthy and us ready to bring her home in about two weeks to an emergency resulting in losing our baby girl in less than 48 hours. We don’t have any answers and I’m not sure we ever will. Right now, two weeks after delivering her, I don’t know how we can recover from this. Jordan was so excited to be a dad, the pain on his face every day breaks my heart all over again. But I love him more than ever and all I want for us is to become stronger and hopefully try again for another baby when we are ready. I’ll never forget my sweet baby Adelynn, holding her made me feel complete, not that I didn’t feel fulfilled before her, but being her mom felt so right. I’ll love her and remember her sweet face forever, because it’s my face. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing her now. At first, this hurt me so much, but now I am starting to see more beauty in my own face as I know I can always look in the mirror and see my baby girl.

Oh Gayle,
I'm so sorry about losing Addie. What a beautiful name. My Miriam's story is similar in a few points, ivf, oxygen loss close to birth (different cause), NICU, cooling, saying goodbye.
It's really hard.I have no other words. Sending hugs

Dear Gayle,
I am so sorry for your loss. I read Addie's story and I am sorry that you are going through this.

Wishing you strength, Mama!

I’m so sorry for this heartbreak.
Thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful baby girl x

Gayle,
I am crushed that you lost Addie in this way. While the circumstances aren't exactly the same, I delivered my son Charlie at 41 weeks via c section. Like Addie, he experienced loss of oxygen at some point and was sent directly to the NICU. He was put on the cooling treatment immediately. During that time, he experienced seizures and subsequent MRI and EKG tests showed global brain damage. The doctors made the recommendation on day six of life to withdraw care. It was a heartbreaking decision; an impossible morale dilemma. Like you, we felt it was the responsible decision for Charlie and the quality of life they predicted he would have (none). There are days I wonder if we did the right thing ... there are many miracle stories out there. And, to be making these types of decisions just a few days following a traumatic birth! I find comfort in knowing it is what the doctors recommended and we made the best decision with the information we had at the time.

In a situation like this, one of the hardest things I've found is there really isn't a box to check, so to speak. There are many unresolved questions with HIE and oxygen loss, which has made it harder for me to find support groups. So thanks for sharing your story with us.

I really related to this line: "This effort seemed so futile but I felt compelled to keep pumping and giving her the colostrum." I pumped so much while Charlie was in the NICU. I was so proud of every drop, hoping some how the magic would cure him.

Hugs.