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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Feeling lost around the holidays

Do the holidays ever get easier? Our daughter Landry was born still last year on December 11th so naturally a lot of emotions have been surfacing lately. Today I decided we would put up our Christmas tree. We just recently moved across the country away from family and I wanted to do something that made it feel more like the holidays. I went into today with all the best hopes and intentions. I wanted to make it a special day for my 3 year old daughter and my husband. Now here I am, tree half decorated, and I'm a complete and total mess. It was like a switch went off. I started pulling out ornaments that were gifted to us last year in honor of Landry, and I just became so consumed with anger. All I want to do right now is drive off by myself and just scream at the top of my lungs until I have no voice. I hate all that loss steals from you. The happy moments, the innocence..the capability to make new untainted memories. As I write these words I feel like I'm only just now realizing how much work I still need to do in healing from the loss of our daughter. I never went to therapy. It was just not something that felt right at the time. Maybe I'm getting closer to feeling ready for it. I don't know. Thank you for allowing me the space to just get this off my chest. Grief can be so alienating. And even if I don't get a single response here, sometimes just having that soundboard is enough. Sending my love to each and every one of you ❤
November 14, 2021 | Unregistered CommenterKae
Thank you for sharing, Kae. I am hear reading and appreciating you! Literal unpacking sounds hard; you don't really know what's going to surface. I lost my Ethan this summer so it will be the first holiday season without him.
November 14, 2021 | Unregistered Commenterkc
Hi Kae, if you feel like driving off by yourself and screaming somewhere, then maybe you could do that? Or something like that?
Sometimes I too need some time by myself to decompress und to let out all the tears and feel all the emotions that got stuck inside me while functioning. Allowing me to do that makes me feel a lot less tensed. Take care!
November 17, 2021 | Unregistered Commenter... and L, too.
Thank you so much for hearing me and responding KC. I'm so sorry about your sweet Ethan 💔 praying you can find some comfort this holiday season. I definitely find it comes in waves.
November 17, 2021 | Unregistered CommenterKae
Thank you L, I definitely think I need to give into those urges sometimes. I always find some excuse not to follow through, and then the pressure builds up once again and I find myself so desperate for a release. Thank you for the gentle reminder ♡ sending you love this holiday season.
November 17, 2021 | Unregistered CommenterKae
Thank you, Kae! In my part of the world November is the unpleasant start to a long period of darkness and mud and rain and cold weather, and when there is snow it will only fall in February most of the time. It is so hard not to chime in emotionally with all the grey and dark and cold. And all these festivities where it is simply extra hard to miss someone!
So I am sending love right back at you!
November 18, 2021 | Unregistered Commenter... and L, too.
I know a mother whose therapist told her to buy an old metal folding chair and a baseball bat and go down in the basement and beat the crap out of the chair whenever she needed to. That anger needs to come out! I was always envious, because I lived in an apartment with a 3 year old, so beating on chairs wasn't possible, but if you can swing something like this I bet it would feel sooooo sooooo good. In one of the books I read about grief and children there was a suggestion to make a mad bag together - the bag could include a pillow or old stuffy that the child could punch, or paper they could rip up, basically some way to safely let out the aggression of anger instead of bottling it up, as well as stuff that would help soothe and comfort, like colouring books, or a favourite book, a soft blankie...whatever. My daughter and I took a lot of care in putting together her mad bag. And it helped. I've always wondered why I didn't make one for myself! Sending love out to all who are reading and feeling these holiday times so keenly.
November 19, 2021 | Unregistered CommenterJen (GITW)