Hello All,

I recently had my baby Zoe on 9/18/21. The dr found no heartbeat during my 36w prenatal appt on 9/16/21... Sometimes it still feels all surreal to me, like this is not real, like I am in an alternate universe and I feel numb... then the pain that is ever-present on my heart, making my heart feel always heavy, hits me and the tears come flowing, that always seem to be on the surface... I do not want to be on this new path that I did not choose, that I never wanted to be a part of, but here I am.

The guilt is there... Hindsight is a monster that is just looming over my head. What -ifs are crushing... I have to fight these thoughts when they come into my head. The first few days I felt so so responsible, so incredibly guilty. I should have known that something was wrong, I should have acted with more urgency... On the Sunday before, we had a Sprinkle for her since we did not need many things... By that Tuesday, I remember (even my memories seem foggy now) googling decreased movement at 36 weeks and finding some sort of comfort in the results, baby will move less in the last few weeks, etc... Never did it cross my mind that I would now be here. My pregnancy had been stellar, I was super healthy, working out and Zoe had been too, no issues at all. I was obsessed with the birth and deliver, looking up ways to have the most empowering birth in a hospital setting. Everything I was researching was looking forward to the birth of Zoe and having an alive, healthy baby to bring home. Why did I not go to the doctor that Tuesday, why did I not act with more urgency??? These thoughts are crushing, what if I had done that and she would be here now...But she is not... and now I have to go on in this new path no one wants to be on and instead of her, I have necklaces with her initial and a teddy and flowers...

I am grateful for my 3 yr old, he is a reason I have to get up everyday and be somewhat presentable. I dread going out in the real world, going back to work, but at the same time I do not just want to sit here and do nothing... I just have no idea what to do really. I am just searching, not sure what for, looking up accounts on IG, reading blogs, in hopes of finding what I have no idea it is I am searching for. Maybe I will find it here.

Hello Jax - im so sorry for your loss. There really are no words to describe the degree of pain and disorientation the death of a baby brings. I think we all struggle with feeling responsible for our babies’ deaths to some degree. I have a different situation, but I feel responsible for their deaths just for the fact that I am the one that wanted them to exist in the first place. Even though I know that is irrational, it’s a very difficult thing to deal with. I don’t know why these terrible things happen, but you are absolutely not to blame.

A few weeks after my son died, I just did not know what to do with myself I bought tools I didn’t need, climbed on my roof to clean my gutters while crying and obsessively looked for a second hand table. I have no idea what I was looking for. I found this web site a few months ago and it’s been helpful to kind of direct some of my feelings of needing to find ‘something’. A sense of community? Comfort? A place to hear that bad things happen to good people? A place to recognize our babies? I hope you find that too.

Just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and your baby Zoe.

Dear Jax,

Same here, guilt is the WORST. My story is very similar to yours. I constantly replay those days leading up to that last appointment and it's been 18 months. What if? Why? So unfair. Who assumes it's time to panic and tell the medical professionals they're wrong and that THIS decreased movement means everything is not alright? So many people don't pay attention to their babies' movements at all and they come out fine.

These losses are not our fault.

Dear M & S,

Thank you for your messages... These days have definitely ben surreal, yesterday was her due date... sometimes my mind wonders if I ever was pregnant... we are still waiting on her ashes and her pictures to come back.. I just want something of hers.

Dear Jax-

I'm so sorry that you have a reason to come here, but so glad you found this site. I lost my daughter 6 months ago and it's been a real lifeline. For me, in those first few weeks, I found some solace in reading memoirs about baby loss. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but it made me feel less alone. It also really helped and helps to just vent with other women who understand. When I first posted to Glow after losing James, a woman gave me her email and we began to correspond. On our hard days we are there for each other. My email is kozak.megan@gmail. Please reach out anytime. Nobody should ever have to go through this hell that we are all going through. But the people on this site get it and we are here for you. Some women who are a little further out have told me to be gentle with myself. It helps. Be gentle with yourself. Sending love to you and Zoe.

Meg

Hello,
I am sorry for your loss...
I lost my second son six years ago, and I felt the same as you.
I did go to the doctor when I felt something was wrong, but it was too late.
My daughter was 9 years old, so she was the one thing to make me react, and keep living everyday...

Time has gone by... Bad days come less often, but the Guilt, misplaced guilt, obviously, is the worse!
So here is my motto (one that is rational, not emotional... )
Love yourself, you are a good mom... You did what you could... You are never to blame!
You did what you could, with the knowledge you had at the time!
You did not wish it!
You are not to blame!
It is not your fault!
You love your baby, you wish it went different. You are a good mom!

We are all the best Mothers we can be!

Hi Jax. I am so sorry you have found yourself here, with all of us who murmur, "same, same." A friend of mine described the guilt that you talk about as the "what if" movie that plays behind our eyelids before sleep. I wish I could tell you if goes away, that you learn to forgive and move on, but four years later, that movie comes back to haunt me at the least expected moments. It will never be fair or just and also, your baby was loved, your baby knew you and knew your love and something of that will always remain.

Thank you all, its unfair that we all can commiserate together and share this in common. I just wish this didn't happen... I am going back to work in 2 weeks and I am dreading that, but I feel it is necessary for me. I don't want to continue being in my house. Hopefully, it does not blow up in my face. I am lucky that I have a good manager and good coworkers. Just so weird that I have to go back to "normal" life, but everything is so different and I am forever changed.