My partner and I have been trying to conceive for a decade now, and have been going through IVF. In the past year and a half, we've had two miscarriages. The second one especially was horribly traumatic. I fell into a deep depression. I stopped being able to sing -- I was supposed to be recording a huge choral work, and every time I opened my mouth to sing, I had a panic attack and started sobbing. It took me months to start feeling almost like myself again, and months until I could start semi-singing along to things on the radio (but only songs that don't have a lot of emotion attached). I still haven't been able to sing choral music without crying, including tonight.

We're starting another frozen transfer cycle. The transfer date is set for Oct. 13th, 10 days after the day I would have been due if all had gone well with the last pregnancy. I am terrified of trying this again. We know that the previous embryo had trisomy 22, which is why she couldn't have survived. And we did have the rest of our embryos tested after that; out of the original 8, we have 2 normal ones left. In this family, I don't know if calling our potential baby "normal" is entirely accurate...but at least she has the correct number of chromosomes to have a better chance of survival.

However, I am still having a terribly hard time having any hope that this time will be different. And last time I was so depressed that I was a lump on the couch, huddled in a blanket cocoon, and hiding from the world...for several months. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to do anything. I know my partner was really worried about me, and I don't want to do that to him again. And honestly, I was not taking care of my body, because I felt like it had betrayed me. I didn't have any active suicidal thoughts, but I also didn't care for or about myself at all. I was so very angry at anyone who had encouraged me or told me they had "good feelings" about the pregnancy, and I lost faith in my religion. I was just so angry at God, and at my church family for not being able to pray my baby into existence -- I know my thoughts weren't rational, but I didn't care at that point. I'm still having trouble going to church, which is something I've done my entire life. I'm so tired of feeling sad and angry and empty. My hips went up 4 sizes when they shifted to make room for a baby, so I have had to buy new pants, which is another reminder of the loss, and another point of hurt.

I thought I was doing better, but since I started the meds for the cycle a few days ago, it's been getting harder and harder for me to function. I'm an emotional wreck right now, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm still grieving, and not ready to go through all of this again. And I am afraid that the few people I've told will try to "stay positive" to encourage me, and that's not what I need right now. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I need, and I don't know what will help. I really hope this one works, but I also don't want to get my hopes up...again.

(I took out the graphic details, but forgot to change the title -- oops.)

Hello R - The threat of another loss (even along side the possibility of a healthy pregnancy) is almost unbearable. Im sorry you have had to suffer so much, it really is unfair and you are not alone.

I am so sorry you are in this, R.
And I am really impressed that you found the strength to try another time.

I have had very harsh feelings towards my body, too, for letting my child and me down. I felt like it just did not work.
Only recently it dawned on me that I was most probably wrong. My body did everything it could to let this child grow and to let it be born. What happened was not because of my body's wrongdoing, but despite its best effort to keep both of us alive.
I have a feeling that we need some sort of basic trust in the functionality of our bodies in order to not completely freak out during a potential subsequent pregnancy.