I am a little over 5 months out from losing my sweet son, Theo. I feel like I keep taking a step forward and then 2 back and I find myself just so defeated, depressed, sick of it all. I have been trying to get out in the world a bit more, forcing myself to push forward, but there are reminders everywhere that Theo isn’t here. And I feel like everyone has forgotten about him and what happened and I feel so incredibly alone in my pain and so incredibly angry and upset that people seem to have forgotten. I spent the first few months trying to be strong, put on a face to not worry others. I just can’t do it anymore. The most beautiful thing hat has ever happened to me, the only thing I ever wanted, my son is gone forever and why do I need to show everyone I’m okay when I’m not? I know it’s impossible for anyone who hasn’t been through it to understand, but it hurts that anyone thinks I could be better, or not still in extreme pain. I’ve been socializing more and every time, there is something that triggers me. Now, I just want to be a hermit and stay away from the world. I’m so sick of trying to push myself to make others feel better about MY tragedy. And I can’t stop comparing and judging my grief and even thinking other loss moms are better at this than I am and just feeling completely broken. I miss my son so much. I’m beginning to feel like I’m burdening the very few people I feel like I can talk to, or that I seem dramatic. It just sucks. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
And just to get everything out, I went to one of my favorite cousin’s weddings the other day and my aunt told my mom I wouldn’t be seated next to my pregnant cousin and m other cousin who was there with her baby. I ended up being seated RIGHT NEXT TO both of them. This was so triggering and on top of it, just made me feel more alone and like my feelings weren’t considered. I’m just fed up.

Hey, M. Thanks so much for this post. I have been feeling lost at the bottom of a well this evening and came here to read. I lost my son, Ethan, in June. I feel so much shame, guilt, and sorrow. And so lonely. So much of what you said resonated; your words made me feel less alone. Wishing you a bit of peace tonight.

I can relate so much to your posts and I’m sorry for both of you on your losses. I am only a few weeks out myself.
It can be astounding how little people realise how it feels.
I’ve had situations like the wedding you describe.
Many of us get it, sadly. I hope sharing your feelings help you a bit.

Im so sorry for what you are going through. I’m also so sorry that you have been feeling pressure to act like everything is ok. It absolutely is not ok that your son died and you should not have to pretend that it is. 5 months is still the beginning of your grief. I often feel angry and confused when I socialize because people seem to talk to me as if everything is ok and I’m ok, when there is just no way that that is possible. I don’t know why people forget or act like you aren’t thinking about your loss every second of everyday… you are not alone. I am coming up to the 1st anniversary of my my 1st son’s death and it’s still all I think about.

Thank you ladies. It helps to feel validated and like I’m not alone in my grief. Sometimes I just need to cry and scream and vent when I’m in those holes, but I’m climbing back onto shore for now. Until the next wave hits. Wishing you all some peace and missing all our precious babies<3

Hi M. Your post resonates so so much with my experience. There is a book I read that really helped me. It's called, "It's Okay That You're Not Okay," by Megan Devine. I also asked my mom and sister to read it as well b/c there is a section about how to be there for a grieving loved one. Our culture doesn't know how to handle grief and I think that the death of a baby is so unbelievably threatening to people's sense of a fair world so their reaction is they push it away, avoid talking to you about it, pretend it didn't happen. It's so messed up and just ends up making all of us who have experienced such a horrific loss feel isolated and misunderstood. If you ever need a friend, please reach out. kozak.megan@gmail.com. Thinking of you.

This is Megan Devine's website: https://refugeingrief.com/

I'm so sorry you're going through this...and I get it. There have been several cousins who are pregnant or have new babies this year, and we're supposed to go to a family wedding in a couple weeks. I am so afraid it'll be like your cousin's wedding, because I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together. Your feelings are valid, and entirely reasonable, and your family should respect that. I'm so sorry that they aren't on the same page. Sending love and support.

Meg, thank you for the book recommendation! It sounds super helpful and I’ll take whatever I can right now.
R, thank you for letting me know I’m not alone! Hoping the wedding goes okay for you and if not, we are here for you.

Sending all you ladies love and hugs and missing all our little ones so much <3

Oh M, I don't know if you still check this but your post broke my heart - my son I lost was Theo too. I'm not sure how long it's been for you, but I lost my Theo almost 3 years ago. I still experience many of the things you are going through. It makes me so sad that somehow two Theo's were taken too early from this world (I'm sure many more too). I hope our Theo's bring comfort to each other. I will be thinking of you. Sending so much love.