It’s been nearly 3 weeks since my beautiful blue eyed boy passed away, he was 11 months old and my world has fallen apart😔 we were in hospital for some testing as he just hasn’t been himself for a few weeks on and off, not eating properly and sleeping too much. The blood tests all came back and nothing caused the doctors any concern. He was a little dehydrated but nothing else. The day after he was worse, didn’t want to eat or feed at all and just wanted to sleep. Again the doctors weren’t concerned as his observations were all fine.
At around 3.30 he started to deteriorate, I noticed he was cold and his lips had stated to go a funny cookie. Within a matter of minutes me baby boy crashed. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped. They worked on him for 45 minutes, they got him back once but his heart stopped again. This time they couldn’t get it stated again.
I’m struggling to accept this is my life, I have 5 year old which has been a blessing as he is the only reason I manage to get up. I don’t want my life like this. I had everything I had ever wanted and never thought anything like this would happen. I don’t know what I do, I feel angry, devastated and numb. I’m scared I will never feel like myself ever again, I’m walking through life in a fog with a weight that won’t lift off me. I have to smile for my son, but inside I am so broken.
There are days when I’m disappointed that I woke up, I just want him back, he was so small and didn’t deserve to die. I feel like I am being punished for something. I did it all right, I took him to see the right people, I don’t understand why they couldn’t fix him.

It would have been his birthday on Monday, he would have been 1. I’ll never hear him say mama, never see him grow up and cause trouble with his brother. They loved each other so much. It’s unfair that he has had his brother taken away from him.
I honestly don’t know how to carry on and knew people on here would understand. Thank you all xx

This is just devastating to read Emma.
I’m so sorry you lost your beautiful son.

I don’t have a similar experience. I recently lost my daughter but in different circumstances.
Others here might, sadly, have an experience closer to yours.
But I just want to say how sorry I am to read about your son.
Xx

Emma- I'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I lost my daughter in April and I have found a lot of comfort coming here to Glow in the Woods. I still feel many of the things you are describing and there a few things that I have found to relieve the suffering a tiny bit. The first is a book called It's Okay that You're Not Okay by Megan Devine. I found it so helpful that I asked my close circle of friends and family to read it as well. This has helped them to know how to best support our family during this time. Another thing that has helped me is reading memoirs written by people who have lost children. I know it sounds a little strange but it has made me feel a bit less alone. I think grief can be incredibly isolating. A fellow babyloss mom sent me a list of novels and I would be happy to send it to you. Be gentle with yourself. What you, what we are all going through is awful. You are doing the best that you can. Lastly, I think it's so hard to try and put on a "good" face for your living child. I often struggle to do the same with my 6 year old son. But I try to remind myself that it's okay to grieve openly in front of him. We are teaching them that these kinds of emotions are a natural part of life and love. I'm sending you love. M.

Emma, I am so so sorry about your little boy. Much love from NZ.