It's been a year and 9 months since we lost Luke. The decision to try again was not easy. Every time we try I feel guilty, and I find myself speaking to him, making sure he understands that he is not being replaced, that we love him and he is our first born, and so special to us.

It hasn't been working the way we thought it might. I heard so many stories from friends who lost their first child and how they were delivering their next in less than a year. We had a miscarriage in January and then suddenly we were pregnant again just a couple of months later. This was it, this was our rainbow right? The dark clouds were going to lift and I was going to be one of those success stories I kept hearing about and our rainbow would be here. I was 4 months pregnant. I haven't been this far since Luke, it's happening. We did out panorama and amniocentesis tests and held our breath waiting for the results. I was afraid to be excited, and I was right. I got the call, there are complications with our baby and it's their recommendation to perform a D&E (dilation and extraction). It's also a boy. After crying and cursing and just feeling like a failure, I called the geneticist and asked a billion questions to make sure this was the right decision. Last Friday I had the surgery and here I am again.

I read a post on glow once that spoke about losing one's religion and how lonely and scary it is on this side. It couldn't have been more right. I feel hollow. I can't even succeed at the most basic of human purposes, to reproduce. Worst of it is, all the pregnancy and birth announcements. And they all seem to happen on the days I either get the bad news or am going losing another child. Another Son.

My poor husband, what luck he must have to end up with a wife like me. I feel for him as he silently suffers. He thinks I don't see it but I do. He tries to sit and be strong but he is shattered.

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm broken in pieces and I don't know what else to do. I wake up mornings and it feels as if my skin is screaming to hold a child I can't have. I'm tired and I feel trapped in a body that just doesn't work.

Hi Lukes mom, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I don't have any words but to say I completely understand and everything your feeling is normal. Luke made you parents and is proof you are doing a great job. I went through similar and know how difficult it is but am here to say to please have hope and don't give up, you will have your rainbow.

Hi Luke’s mom, I’m sorry that you are going through another loss. I lost my son, Joseph, at 25 weeks in April 2019. I tried for 2 years since the loss but pregnancy didn’t happen. The disappointment every month was unbearable and I made a choice not to try any more since April this year. Joseph was actually supposed to be my rainbow baby, as I had previous loss. I read this post before and it helped me knowing that others went through the same pain as I did. It’s hard but please be gentle to yourself. Sending love.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/blog/2016/2/15/just-the-storm.html

I am sending lots of love to you Luke's Mom. I know how you feel in terms of feeling almost guilty or responsible that your husband is in pain. I have felt those same feelings since losing our daughter and now being at an age where I have like 1 egg left. But then I think about the strength it takes to open ourselves up and try, to put our bodies and hearts through this. We are freakin warriors. You are a warrior. A total badass. I know that it's so hard to see that in ourselves. But please let my words reach you.

Hi Luke’s Mom,

I am so sorry for your losses and the enormous burden you must be feeling from all the grief and confusion. I related so much to what you are saying and I want to thank you for being so brave as to put it in to words. I have been reading the is site for a while hoping to find someone that feels similarly to me.

As always, my story is different, so similar in feeling. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years. In the mean time many friends seemed to effortlessly announce their pregnancies and give birth. After 2 years of trying I became pregnant and I thought, “finally, I’ve paid my dues and things will go my way.” I was extra excited and felt it was “meant to be” because 10 of my friends were pregnant at the same time. At the 5 month scan, our baby was diagnosed with a 100% fatal anomaly and was still born weeks later. I was absolutely crushed. I could hardly speak for the first month after he died. The doctors told us what happened was completely random and we had bad luck.

Still, I wanted a baby so badly that my heart was going to explode. I’m in my mid thirties now and I didn’t think that I would be able to become pregnant again after it taking so long the first time. But, miraculously I became organs just 3 months after our first son died. I thought that everything was going to be fine because the worst had already happened. But at the 5 month scan my second son was diagnosed with the same anomaly. He was stillborn weeks later.

Now the doctors tell us that they suspect a genetic cause, but all tests show everything is normal. So they say there may be a 25% chance that this will happen to any baby we conceive. We have no living children.

I absolutely understand what you mean by losing religion. I am completely disoriented in life. I used to be a Christian but I can’t reconcile my former beliefs with the senselessness of my babies deaths. How can God create babies to die? Why is there so much suffering? I have no idea what the purpose of life is. I wonder about the wisdom of bringing children in to the world at all. I often feel like I want to die, but at the same time I want so badly to have a family still. I just can’t imagine going through this a third time.

I feel so much for you. I don’t know why you have to go through this. I am so sorry you lost Luke and your second son. The only thing I can say is, I’m thinking of you.