We lost our baby girl James this past April. I was 37 weeks pregnant and had a complete placental abruption. We have a 6 year old son named Finn who is starting Kindergarten this Fall. I have been avoiding all of the new family orientations, gatherings, etc. b/c I am terrified of the question, "Is he your only?". I have already had people ask me that in the past few months and I just don't know how to answer. I have two children. But if I say, "I have a son and a daughter who died at birth" I get the deer in the headlights response from people and that just feels so awkward. But if I say, "One" I am betraying James somehow. I'm just wondering how people have dealt with this question.

M,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I lost my son in May, about an hour after birth. I have a 2 year old son as well. My husband and I have talked about this exact scenario because we wanted to be ready if anyone asks. I’ve actually only been asked that type of question a few times. Once, it was a new friend, getting to know each other and she asked if I was planning to have any more. She didn’t know but I had lost my baby only about a month before. I started crying and once I calmed down, I shared my story. Then a dad and I were talking at the playground, he has 3 little boys and was talking about them. Then he said, ‘he’s your only one?’ Or something similar, I can’t remember exactly but I just said ‘yeah,’ kind of without even thinking. I didn’t mean to exclude my other son; it was something about the way he asked it that I just said yes and immediately after I felt terrible. It didn’t seem appropriate to then correct myself, to someone I’d probably never see again so I just let it go. Another woman asked about my kids and I told her about both of them.
I never want to just say that I have one child. My husband and I both agree that we always want to tell people about our other son. I know that it may be easier to not bring it up because of the deer in headlights look and the apologies, etc but at the same time, I feel like people don’t understand that asking that question can be so hard for many to answer. Those who struggle with infertility, miscarriage, etc. I think of it as bringing awareness to the fact that losing a baby is a tragedy that happens to many people. And if I can help someone realize that their language or questions may not be appropriate to people that you don’t know, then I feel like I’m honoring my son and his memory. Just my thoughts on it.

Oh and I read something someone said once that kind of helped reframe my mindset. If someone is asking you that question, they should be prepared for the answer. If our answer makes them feel uncomfortable, it’s not our job to make them feel comfortable. That has helped me not feel bad for crying in front of someone when they’ve asked and I don’t care if they feel uncomfortable by my response.

Thanks for sharing that with me DCM. It's really helpful! I'm sending love to you and your son.

I totally get the guilt you feel I remember the first time being asked if I had kids 2mths after by a hairdresser and I completely froze and said no. Immediately I felt so guilty and cried the rest of the entire day. Its awful that we still feel the need to protect others feelings. Someone once gave advice to maybe say one at home if it helps. Im 4yrs in now and received a few of those looks when I did share so I've now learned to judge the situation and person in that moment. Hope this helps

Thank you guys for sharing with me. I know there is no simple answer but it helps to know I am not alone in this. Sending love.

I love DCM's last comment. Your fault for asking! Very very true.

I am visibly preggo but have no other living children, my first baby died at 41 weeks not long ago. I've been getting asked that question often "do you have any other kids" and I say Yup and stop talking. If they are pressing for an age or gender, I tell them when she was born (17 months ago). Sometimes I tell them she's with her grandma. I don't like sharing personal things with strangers unless I'm in a mood.

Baby loss is so fucking sad. I hope you will be able to confront these awkward situations with your feelings protected first and foremost.

Sending strength to all you mamas

Thanks M. Sending hugs back to you.

Agh, the dreaded question indeed. Two years after the death of our baby ten days past due-date we as parents still need to consider an individual answer everytime we get asked. Just the other week I felt very accomplished as a mother of a dead child (and two living children) for just answering the question very matter-of-factly and then just moving on with the conversation - for the first time. Yes, the other person went full on deer-in-the-headlights and just quit talking to me. But regarding my own emotions I still am very proud for handling the situation.
Next time, though, it may all go very differently ... I still am learning that this is okay. That this is just the nature of (my) grief. It is a day-by-day-effort and what feels alright one time might not feel the same at a different occasion.