It’s been 3 and a half months since I’ve lost my Theo. I had early onset preeclampsia and he had to be delivered at 24 weeks and 3 days. He lived in the NICU for 2 weeks and was doing so well given his prematurity, but we lost him to an infection on April 8th.
I’m just at a point where I’m feeling very alone and like I should be doing more, better, differently than I am. I have been working as a hairdresser for 8 years and when I was pregnant, I was so ready to let my career take a backseat and be a mom. Now that Theo is gone, I can’t even imagine pursuing this career now. I had already been doubting it and ready for a change and I don’t feel at all like I can deal with all the socializing and putting on a constant happy face. My passion for it is gone and on top of it, I felt unsupported by my work during this whole ordeal. I’ve decided to finish my degree and pursue a different path. I just feel like I need to cut ties with my old career, way of thinking, caring about things that I actually don’t care about or that don’t matter. It feels right to me, but I can’t stop comparing myself to others. Does anyone else just want to uproot their whole life and start over after losing their baby? I’ve heard it’s not good to make big life changes during this period, but I think I’m more afraid of going back to my old life.

Molly,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet baby boy.
Our son died at three days of age seven years ago.
Our situations are somewhat different but I share in your grief.
One thing I remember about those early days is that I think I tried to hard to convince family, friends, etc. that I was f-i-n-e. I didn't want anyone to worry. . . .
I am finally seeking out therapy/grief counseling now, many years out. I think if I had to go through those early days again (God forbid) I would be more honest with myself and others about where I was emotionally and what I needed.

Thank you for your response, Em. I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet boy as well. I feel like I thought if I told everyone and myself that I was fine, I somehow would be. Like a fake it till you make it sort of thing. I’m realizing the grieving process really doesn’t work that way at all and trying to work on being more accepting and honest about where I am.

Hi Molly
I am sorry to hear about the sad loss of baby Theo.
I can completely identify with emotions you mention although my story is probably very different. I lost my daughter very recently (I find it hard to even go into) and she was stillborn.
I understand what it's like to feel lost. My job (which I am yet to return to) seems so unimportant right now and a lot of things do. I was really hoping to take time out to be a mummy (I don't have any other children) and that feeling has intensified. I'm so jealous of all the women I see in my area, walking around with prams. It seems so unfair.
I don't have any advice but just want to let you know you are not alone in these emotions.
Take care.

Thank you Bridges. I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. It’s all just too unfair, isn’t it?