For as long as I can remember, I’ve always gravitated to children. As a kid, I loved babysitting so much! There was one family I watched for on a regular basis, and I fell in love with these kids as if they were family. That’s when I knew, that one day, I wanted kids. So much fun to be had! It made my heart so happy.

Well that was back in my 20’s. I’ve been through countless relationships. Never could come across someone who made me feel solid enough to start a family with. And then when I turned 34, there he was. Leading up to this point, I have always felt upset that I might never get the chance to marry or experience motherhood. And the constant reminder around me only made it worse. Everyone my age was and still is posting marriage and new baby announcements.....but finally....he came into my life. We were dating for awhile and ended up accidentally getting pregnant. After the initial shock, and worrying how the hell im going to do all this, I became beyond excited. We were excited.

We started talking about names if it was a boy or girl.. Picked out a fun way that we wanted to reveal the special news to everyone. It was all so crazy and happening fast, but I’ve never felt so excited. In the most deepest of ways....there are no words to describe the connection for what’s growing inside you. And the fact that it was an extension of him....pure bliss.

However, as quickly as the good news came, the bad news replaced it. I was around my 5th or 6th week, and started feeling terrible pains. I went to the ER just to make sure that everything was ok, but it was too early to tell and I wasn’t bleeding. As that week continued, so did the pain. I could barely function. So I ended up back in the ER where the ultrasound finally showed an ectopic pregnancy on my right ovary. I never heard of this happening before....so of course my first question was “can it be moved to a better spot?”......but unfortunately it cannot 😞 I had to make the choice quickly to get a shot that would slowly disintegrate it (for lack of better words). I knew it had to be done for my safety, but I wasn’t prepared to feel this kind of hurt.....after all this time wanting something so badly and finally getting the chance to fulfill it. And with someone amazing.

I was in pain for nearly 2 months after the shot. Bled the entire time too :( I had to have my blood drawn once a week to make sure the shot was doing its job and that my hcg levels were going down. I cried every time I had to go because It reminded me each time that a baby was no longer growing. And the women around me had a cute belly showing and ultrasound pictures they were excited about.....I was going in the opposite direction. Why couldn’t I have those sweet pictures and cute belly??....of course I was told that I could always try again.....but I wanted THIS one. I had prepared a place in my heart for this sweet baby already. To end up letting it all go.

I’m struggling to understand why this happened and how to move forward with it. I’m still hopeful that maybe one day I will get the chance, but also scared for the same thing to happen.

Hey, you aren't alone.. I am sorry you had to experience this. This had happen to be January 5th of this year. However, it got to the point my tube ruptured. As this was my second loss. two more marks on my belly and one less tube. One day you will have that chance to hold that baby boy or girl in your arms with or without a man in your family. You are a strong person and you will beable to have that child one day!

I’m so sorry Christine. I know what it feels like to finally find the love of your life after so many terrible relationships and to finally feel stable enough to have a baby with that amazing person. The feeling of letting my beautiful husband down when we lost our baby is something I still struggle with. You are not alone. These terrible feelings will not feel as raw as time goes on. I’m sure you will have a baby one day but that first pregnancy will forever hold a special place in your heart.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I know the feeling so well about loving children and longing for motherhood. My husband and I both love children. We’ve been together for 11 years and trying to conceive for 6 years. We were over the moon this past February to learn that our miracle was coming, our first pregnancy! We learned last week that our sweet baby’s heart has stopped beating at 10 weeks, my world is still crumbling and I don’t know how to feel or what to do with myself. The pain is unbearable. I haven’t undergone any procedures and assistance to help my body along yet, and some days that makes me feel worse to know my baby is still there, but not growing. I know when we have it scheduled my broken heart will shatter to pieces. I want you to know you’re not alone, and I hope for healing for all parents who have lost their babies.