COVID has made everything so much more complicated. The simple version of a complicated year:

IVF
COVID
unexpected terminal full term baby
The devastating relief of the death of our 2 month old
Separation of 19 year relationship


The slightly longer (but still aggressively condensed) version:

IVF #2 was completed December 2019. She was our only girl embryo.

COVID popped up and I lost about 35% of my income. My partner is a stay-at-home dad to IVF #1 (now 2 years old)

I don’t do pregnancy well. My partner has undiagnosed anxiety and copes via control. Although we have not contracted COVID, it has infiltrated our relationship. My partner is also high-risk with his body type and autoimmune disorders. He’s been flying scared for a year now.

Little love came 2 weeks early. I had her in a local rural hospital and saw her for about 90 seconds before she was flown a few hours away to a children’s hospital. I joined her 2 days later after I was released.

My partner refused to stay with me at the hospital and dropped me off before driving the 3.5 hours home. COVID restrictions would not allow other visitors. I didn’t care. I was with my baby.

The next week showed that she had the severe expressions of a neurological malformation. I’ll write it here for the use of another google-er who can’t find any answers. My little love had perisylvian polymicrogyria. For her it meant that she had global arthrogryposis contractions, inability to swallow (aka constant choking), and she needed help eating. This diagnosis gets more hateful the older they get. This is important.

She was in the NICU for 7 weeks. Her body was cruelly strong and she was stabilized to the point of going home on hospice care. In those 7 weeks, my partner visited twice, for 2 days. He made excuses for not coming on a planned visit multiple times. I haven’t told him, but I cannot forgive him for this. And I think he knows that he might not either. I also blame him because I did not see my son (IVF #1) other than a handful of hours for those 7 weeks. My mom and sister were allowed a visit exception because of her prognosis.

We had her home for 3 weeks. Hospice did phone and virtual visits. No one visited us (our choice with COVID). I have questions about what we might have done wrong without a professional to monitor her last day.

I grieve and celebrate her with memories and pictures. My partner will not mention her or tolerate visual tokens of her. He won’t forgive me because I couldn’t take her feeding tube away until she had declined quite a bit. I can’t forgive him for leaving us alone in the NICU and for ignoring her life. He held her 4 times in the 3 weeks she was home.

Now we are angry, disappointed, exhausted, and out of patience for each other. And still COVID. My therapist says not to make any big life choices for a year. It’s been 3 months since she died. I’ll give it 3 more months. I’m so tired. So tired in ways I can’t even explain

I hear your heartbreak. I haven't visited GitW for many, many moons. I have often thought about the extra pain of loss during Covid. My heart goes out to you. ❤️Em

I have wondered about how it is for those whose babies have died during Covid. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, Amma. So many losses. I can feel the tiredness in your words, and it makes so much sense, and the anger, too. This is a good space to come and be angry. I'm a long way out now (9 years) but I still feel fiercely protective and grateful for this space where I could say things that so many people in 'real life' led me to believe were too angry, or too ugly, or too crazy. There is always someone here to listen, even when it's quiet in these forums, I've learned. I hope it might help to ease the loneliness and isolation just a little. Sending some love and solidarity to you.

Can anyone direct me to a separation support group or forum for parents whose baby died? Is hard to find others who understand. We have a living child that makes separation more complicated. And I haven't been on solid ground for many months