Hi all,

I lost my beautiful son Eli this past July. He was born at 23 weeks, after I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix at 20 weeks. I had emergency surgery and then went on bed rest for three brutal weeks but he ultimately did not survive. He was born alive and died shortly after birth. I have had so many medical complications since we lost our perfect little boy. I had two postpartum hemorrhages and also had retained placenta that was left in for 8 weeks until I had a delayed PPH and ultimately had surgery to remove it. I am now planning to get a transabdominal cerclage before ever trying again and plan to have surgery in March.

I am struggling so much missing Eli, and just feeling so angry and resentful at the world. It feels like everyone around me is breezing through their pregnancies, and everyone around me is pregnant. Every time I hear about another pregnant friend it feels like a dagger in my heart. I just feel so angry that we had to go through our losses and that the world can be so unfair. It’s been six months since our loss, and I know I won’t even be able to start TTC again for at least a few months until after my surgery. And the what if’s and worries from there are so many.

I really needed a place to vent so I so appreciate this space. Infant loss is so devastating in itself, but there have been so many additional losses- so many friends who have stopped reaching out because they just don’t know what to say. And I also have such a hard time being around or talking to pregnant friends or friends with babies. Especially because I was pregnant with my three best friends, all having boys, and their boys are all safely here. I am so grateful that they are safe but can’t help but feel so angry at the injustice of the world.

Would appreciate any words of support ❤️

Hi Carolyn,

I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful son, Eli, and wanted to send my love and care to you. I am sure it is all still so fresh as only six months have passed, but I hope with some time that you'll be able to find ways to grieve him and to find some semblance of peace with his loss. It is such a journey of ups and downs so please stay strong and be kind to yourself.

If at all helpful, I wanted to share my story and experience. I lost my son in March at just 21 weeks. My pregnancy had been smooth up to that point and one night I suddenly went into labor and delivered our son in a matter of a few hours. Unfortunately, he lived for only a few minutes in my arms. I was later diagnosed with cervical insufficiency, and we came up with a plan for my next pregnancy (the MFMs recommended getting a cerclage early on). The months after our loss were simply awful. I think it was a lot of process and I had so many questions on what may have caused our loss (before they diagnosed me). Also, similar to you, I was so upset as it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant. I had been pregnant with three other girlfriends and it was this odd feeling of everyone moving on without me. I was happy for them but also, quite honestly, jealous. I think it took me a while to get over the feeling of jealousy and sadness and to separate their pregnancy from my own.

I think that it's a tough journey but I found it really helpful to talk to other women who had lost babies especially in the 2nd trimester-- whether on this site or through my network. It made me feel not so alone or rare. Also, I think it helped me to look forward to trying for our next. It was hard in terms of thinking about how many months we'd have to wait but, for me, just having a target / timeline helped.

I wish you all the strength and hope. Please be kind to yourself. Always here if you want to vent or talk or have any questions.

Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful response. I hope this reply gets to you as I'm new to this site and not quite sure how to use it! Thank you for validating all that I am feeling. I agree, it helps so much to speak to other women who have been through it. It Is tragic and heartbreaking to hear all the pain but it does help so much to know I am not alone. Can I ask you how you are getting yourself through the waiting period? Did your doctor advise waiting a specific amount of time? In my wise mind, I feel like the waiting is probably for the best, because I am so traumatized by the loss and my last delivery and all the complications that ensued. But my mind is consumed by pregnancy, and wanting to be pregnant, and it is so hard to see the rest of the world moving right on by as if nothing happened. I know this is common with grief but it is such a painful part of it!

I'm not sure if you can see the image in the link below but it is a painting called "The Fall of Icarus" based on the myth. I came across this painting and resonated so deeply with it. You can see Icarus drowning on the very right hand corner, and everyone else is just going about their business and not paying attention. That's what it feels like!

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fcore100.columbia.edu%2Farticle%2Ffall-icarus&psig=AOvVaw190tX01UgwpZW7MWuowB0J&ust=1611856748135000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCPDhhLnYvO4CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAJ

Agreed, it's so tragic to think about how many women go through pregnancy loss - and many times in silence - but it's nice that these forums and groups exist. I feel encouraged that more women are speaking up and out as pregnancy complications and loss are so much more common than people think.

In terms of getting through the waiting period, it was tough to be honest. I think partially because of COVID and the sheer isolation that we experienced from it, I'm in the US and we spent the months of waiting largely alone as my family was far away and we had shelter in place orders in place. I think what helped me most though was connecting with family and friends to ensure that I still had human connection and an outlet to talk. I also spent a lot of time researching and trying to talk to doctors (where possible) to learn more about second trimester losses and to try to get to the root of what caused my loss. Lastly, I spent a ton of time trying to figure out ways to grieve. I read books (self-care and memoirs) on pregnancy loss and dealing with grief. I tried therapy for the first time. I also reached out to many women in my network who experienced pregnancy loss to just hear about their experience and to get their advice. It's amazing how when you go through pregnancy loss, a whole network of women seem to come out of the woodwork to share their own experiences. I found this network the most healing for me. Lastly, I tried to do things that I enjoyed like running and cooking to make myself feel more like myself again.

In terms of how long I was told to wait, my doctor suggested that I have 3 normal menstrual cycles before trying again, which meant that I waited five months to try to conceive again as I had longer cycles. At the point that I had talked to my doctor, I had one more cycle to wait so for me it was just a countdown until we could try again as similar to you all I could think about was getting pregnant again. However, I will say before that point I was focused on all the things I mentioned above as it was really important to me to feel like I felt as ready as possible emotionally to have another baby.
In terms of you, it sounds like your wait may be longer given the complications that you had as well as because you're getting the transabdominal cerclage. Is there a reason why they suggested the transabdominal cerclage vs. vaginal cerclage? No pressure to answer but was just curious as my doctor recommended the latter.

Overall, I think waiting is hard and I completely understand what you're feeling. I would just suggest that you make sure you're physically and emotionally ready to tackle another pregnancy. I think one question that I consistency asked my husband and myself in our five month wait was "Are we ready to potentially lose another baby? Does our desire to try for another baby outweigh all the risks of potentially losing another baby? Do we think we can handle it if we did?" The answers to those questions for us in the first three months or so were not entirely clear to be honest as I still felt so raw and drained and traumatized. However around month four or five was when we both felt more ready to accept the risks. We are expecting again now but I would say it's a totally different feeling -- we're excited and happy but also anxious and much more cautious because we know what it feels like to lose a baby. I think pregnancy after loss is a different journey and you just have to prepared for the worries and anxieties that come with it, which is why I brought up being as emotionally ready as you feel like you can be for it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been also feeling so lost. My baby girl passed almost two months ago, at week 34, and some medical emergencies. My sister just had a healthy baby girl, and we went through our pregnancies together. It's tough to see everyone with their babies. Sending love