It was December 14, 2020.. I left work early to attend my 36 weeks OB appointment. I was so excited because I knew in just a few weeks my sweet baby would be here. Turns out that this day would be one of the worst days of my life. I went into my weekly scheduled ultrasound appointment and heard the words that no mother wants to hear "I'm so sorry but I can't find the heart beat". I could tell from looking up at the screen that my sweet Evie was no longer with us. Immediately, I said "can you check again". There is no way this is happening to me - she is due in just three weeks. The ultrasound tech checked again and my fear was confirmed. My sweet Evie's strong heart was no longer beating. I gave birth to Evie Therese on 12/16/2020 at 11:08am. All I wanted was to hear my sweet girl cry. All around us we could hear other babies crying.. I think that was one of the worst moments. I would never hear my girl cry, smile or laugh. I am completely heart broken. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. She weighed exactly 6 pounds, had cute chubby cheeks and tons of dark hair. She was absolutely perfect. I spent the next 24 hours cuddling my baby.. trying to remember all of her sweet features. Evie is our first baby. I miss her so much it takes my breath away and at times I just can't breath. Seeing all of her things around the house is a constant reminder of her. I sleep with her blanket she was wrapped in every night and write to her every night. For anyone else going through this.. I am so sorry for your pain. It doesn't make sense why something like this would happen. I hope you can find some comfort and peace in your healing. You are not alone.

I’m so sorry about your sweet Evie. I lost my baby girl on 11/27/20. I was 36 weeks also, and she passed away unexpectedly an hour after birth. It was so heartbreaking — to be so excited to meet her only to realize something was wrong with her and she wasn’t crying. Like your Evie, she had chubby cheeks and tons of dark hair. It’s so not fair that our girls aren’t here with us right now. It gives me some comfort that I’m not alone, and there are other women going through this, as horrible as it is.

Katie, your story is sadly very similar to mine. I lost my first baby, my beautiful daughter Rae, in July 2019. She was stillborn at 30 weeks which shattered my world and entire existence. I’m a year and a half out from that day, and since then I have had the safe arrival of my rainbow son, but I am constantly thinking about Rae and how she should be here giggling at her brother. For me, living somehow got a little easier over time, but there is always a scar on my heart for my baby girl.

To both you and Rose and your beautiful daughters, I wish you a bit of peace. You are not alone. I hate that other people have gone through the death of a baby, it’s something no one should ever have to experience. But hearing other people’s stories of these losses helps me feel less isolated.

Rose and Anna, thank you so much for your replies. It helps to hear others stories to know that I’m not alone. I’m so so sorry for both of your losses. It’s not fair that our sweet babies were taken so soon. It has been rough trying to cope and get some normalcy back. Life will never be the same and I know I’ll never be the same without Evie. I miss her so much. It’s difficult when the world around you continues but your world has completely stopped. Evie’s passing was so unexpected. There is no clear answer as to what happened to her which makes it that much harder for me. I have a great support system with my husband, family and friends. But at times times I still find myself struggling to cope and being overwhelmed by sadness and missing her. Have you guys found anything that helps make coping a little easier? Definitely talking to others who have similar experiences has helped. Thanks for your kind words and sharing your sweet angels stories with me

Katie - I get what you mean; it's so hard to see the world moving on when your world is broken to pieces. I remember going to the cemetery to Rae's grave and crying that the grass was growing longer. Seeing time pass was cruel at the beginning, especially because people assume that "Oh it's been a week/month/year/whatever. You should be okay now, right?" No. No one in the world of losing a child will ever be "over it."
Supportive family and friends were something I was blessed with as well and they definitely helped me feel heard and loved. A few other things that helped me cope were giving myself some structure of things I had to do in the day, small things like running an errand or doing a load of laundry. Nothing too much all at once, just one thing that I could look back on and say "I did a thing." Also giving myself time to be alone was crucial. Time to journal, cry hysterically, sleep, scream and throw things, whatever I felt I needed in the moment.
I have a book on grief - It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. I haven't read all of it yet but it's something that has brought me some comfort. I feel like reading about or talking with people who have experienced intense loss and really understand has been my main source of coping.

Anna, I’m so sorry about your sweet Rae. Thank you for all the good advice. I’ll have to check out that book you mentioned. Congrats on your rainbow baby. I find that hearing successful rainbow stories are a huge comfort to me. I definitely want to try for another baby. I feel like it’s the only thing that gives me hope for the future. Josephine was my third little girl and was going to be my last baby. So there’s just a huge whole in my family where she belongs. I am currently waiting for her autopsy results. I’m really hoping they find a cause and it’s nothing that could affect a future pregnancy. Did you guys get an autopsy done on your babies and find out anything? .

Anna, thank you for the advice. I have been trying to keep myself busy but I am constantly thinking about Evie and all of the things we would be doing together. I started reading the book you mentioned and I really like it so far. How did you deal with anxiety/fear with your second pregnancy? We definitely want to try again.. When I gave birth to Evie I started to hemorrhage and had to be rushed into surgery for a D&C to remove my placenta. My dr wants us to wait until April to try again - I was hoping to try in March. I wish we could try sooner but I know I need to heal a little more.

Rose, we had an autopsy done on Evie. When she was born her belly was bloated and no one knew why. We only received the initial results so far and her liver was enlarged- 2x the normal size. My OB said when they complete the autopsy they take cells from every organ and send them across the country to be tested. He said it could be a little while before we know anything else. I am constantly checking my email and the mail hoping we get the results. As of now we are not sure what caused Evie’s passing. I hate not knowing and hope we can get answers.

Rose, I'm glad that hearing about my rainbow baby can give some hope! Goodness knows we deserve hope. We didn't get an autopsy done because I just didn't feel right about it at the time. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and so I just KNEW that if anything were wrong it would in be my body. I got tons of blood tests done but nothing came of it, they said my blood was fine. Which I know is a good thing, that my blood is okay, but it tore my up that I had no answer as to why my daughter died. Looking back, I maybe would have made a different decision about the autopsy, but I'm not sure. I hope that both of you are able to find some answers to your tragic losses. But I also know that finding answers will be a difficult journey too. Everything about this just sucks and whether we walk away with a reason why or not, we are still hurting.

Katie, I hope that you are able to heal up soon to try again. Waiting to try again is so hard and my heart goes out to you. For me, pregnancy after loss was definitely full of fear. Since Rae was my first, I had no history of a successful birth and didn't have complete confidence that my body could do it. Fortunately, I had a good medical team that took me seriously. I also bought a fetal heart rate monitor which helped a ton with my anxiety. I still worried every single day, but just taking deep breaths and appreciating the moments when I could was useful. It also helped me to be quarantining from COVID during almost my entire pregnancy because being around people was more than I could handle.

I hope that you both will be able to have beautiful rainbow babies if that's what you choose. I'll be honest that for me it has been a healing experience to be able to have another baby after Rae. I love showing him pictures of her and taking him to the cemetery and and just talking to him about his big sister. My son helps me keep her memory alive. His birth doesn't magically fix the pain of Rae's death. I still cry often, still get the waves of overwhelming grief, still feel her missing in our home. And with those feelings, I am trying to find a place for peace and happiness too.

I’m sure pregnancy after loss is full or fear and anxiety. It’s almost like there isn’t a safe zone in pregnancy anymore — not until we have a living, breathing baby in our arms. I too hope that a rainbow baby can be a healing experience for me and my family. My daughters (ages 4 and 2) were so excited to meet their little sister. Not being able to give that to them in the way that we wanted has been one of the hardest parts of this whole thing.
Katie, my Josephine also came out with a bloated belly. Her initial autopsy findings were hydrops, immature lungs, and an enlarged liver also. She came out not breathing, so they tried to intubate her, but it was unsuccessful and her heart eventually stopped beating. I also developed polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid) about two weeks before I went into labor, and my stomach got really big and uncomfortable. At the time I thought I was just having a big baby and that maybe my due date was a little off, and I chalked it up to third pregnancy pains. It’s hard not to wonder what the outcome would have been had they caught any of my girl’s problems beforehand. I really hope any answers we receive from the autopsy will provide us both with some answers.