Its been almost 2 years since I gave birth to my beautiful twin boys at 32 weeks. By the end of their first night in the NICU, my two became one. I know I'm supposed to be coping with this better, but I'm not. I still cry, and I want to hide from the world. I still cringe around pregnant women, and I can't bear to see twins anywhere. I see my surviving son, and I'm so grateful he is alive, but I also feel such a deep sense of loss that his twin is not here, and fear that I will lose him too. I have found small ways to incorporate him in our lives, but sometimes it feels like that makes it harder. I miss my baby boy so much. I just want people to know he existed, he is loved, he is missed, and I want him back.

Hey T, I am so sorry that one of your boys is not with you. I feel you so much with these three wishes, and after 16 months I still need to put on blinkers around other parents.
I do not think we should be coping better. We cope the best we can. When I really feel stuck emotionally I pick up one of my various books on grief and try to take a piece of advise from there, but mostly all I need to do is to sit with whatever feeling there is.

Hi, T... I just popped on here after quite some time away, just to see how things are going (I founded Glow) and saw your post right away. My youngest son, who's now 13, had an identical twin who died at 6 weeks old in the NICU. They were 27 weeks. I've been where you've been. I wrote a book about it called Notes for the Everlost: A Field Guide to Grief - I don't mean to be self-promotional here, but your story is just so similar to mine, and I thought perhaps it might be company for you. In the meanwhile, time helps. The way you're feeling is normal and based in love, and the edges of it will soften so you can find joy again. I promise. xoxo

Thank you so much L, I really appreciate it. I definitely feel like the world wants me to move on, and I'm not ready. I think it doesn't help that we don't really have a fantastic support network (both my husband and I are very introverted), so we don't have many people to lean on for help, or anyone we know who has lost a child.

Kate, thank you so much for posting - I actually just bought your book a few weeks ago. Our stories are so similar, and I've found your book very comforting - I have avoided buying books on grief for so long because I couldn't find any about losing just one twin, and I feel like having a twinless twin has been a form of grief on its own, and I wasn't sure how to mourn it, or find stories that validate that feeling. I have to read it in chunks, because everything still feels so raw to me, as it sounds like it did for you years after it happened, and it has been so helpful so far. Mostly its just nice to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I don't have anyone to talk to about what happened except my husband, so your book has been a huge support.

That's so good, T. I know the feeling of course... there are so many different kinds of losses, many of which we see at Glow, and I'm always so humbled by the distinctions of, say, a stillbirth versus time in the NICU, or losses compounded by infertility or multiples. We have so much in common yet it's helpful to have a little sub-camp of parents who have an experience that's a closer mirror. I'm thinking of you today and hoping you're just inching along, day by day. xoxo