I lost my sweet, precious, irreplaceable baby boy 17 days ago. He went down for a nap and I found him face down, limp and blue. We tried to revive him, as did paramedics but he never regained a pulse. I am lost. Sick. Can't ever see a day when this will become easier. I only had 2 months and 3 days with my special boy but it felt like a lifetime and I can't imagine a world without him. I struggle with the will to live.

I miss everything about being his mama. My journey to have him was a wild ride but everything turned out perfect. He is perfect. You can't stop asking the question why? Why him? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

I could not go on with life without being a mother again. I've been encouraged by many to try again and half the time I feel it may be the only thing that will save me and the other half I feel nothing can save me. I only want to be his mama. I know I would not be replacing him, he's my first true love and he gave me so much. He changed me in life and death.

Just wondering if anyone is out there with a similar story that had a child again after such a tragic loss and what your story is...

Dina, I am so sorry to hear about your precious boy. My story is different (stillbirth) but I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of courage and love. I’ll just share the most helpful thing I read here years ago after losing my daughter: be patient, gentle, and kind to yourself and ask those around you to do the same. Peace and love mama, you’ll always be your son’s mom.

Dina,
So sorry for the loss of your beautiful babe. My daughter died in August of this year and I also have the desire to have another. She was my first and is irreplaceable, but I feel having a healthy child (she died due to emphysema) is the only thing that can make me feel remotely human again. I was told by a midwife in the hospital that the hormones I produced to mother my child had no where to go and that was why I was having such a strong urge to TTC again so quickly. I’m not sure how true that is, but if made sense to me. As AB said, be gentle, kind and patient with yourself xx

My midwife came to visit me tonight and she did a beautiful job trying to help me stop beating myself up.. unfortunately I can't stop myself. I miss my little boy, I play out a million different scenarios that could have prevented me from losing him. I held my niece's daughter that was 4 months older than Macklin in hopes if would bring me some peace to just hold a baby, close my eyes, and imagine if was Mack. But she didn't feel the same, smell the same, hold my hand the same, it doesn't feel the same to kiss her cheeks and while I know she is not my baby and couldn't possibly expect her to feel like him it made me feel like no matter what I do I will always be in search of Macklin. My first true love.

I say all that to say my midwife has delivered too many babies to count and has plenty of experiences with miscarriage, tragedy like mine and still births and she said in every situation she encourages them to have a baby immediately. It will not replace my sweet boy but it will put a baby in my arms and give me a reason to breathe again, to care for myself, a reason to live instead of asking God to take me too.

I vowed to get out of bed tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes and I can't do it I will at least sit in bed and write about him. I want to journal every memory I have and immortalize the short and beautiful life of Macklin.
I can't say her words made me feel better but it made me want to try.

I was encouraged to write a journal after my daughter died. I must say, sometimes I’m feeling brave (or stupid) and go back and read what I wrote those first couple of weeks. The desperation for a child is, literally, written all over the pages. I so hope I get the opportunity to be a mother to a live child, unfortunately a lot of that depends on the results of genetic testing. We get more information this Friday and I’m terrified of what they will say. They don’t think it was genetic, but I don’t really believe in odds anymore. Not when I’ve been on the wrong side of them. Anyways, if and when you decide to start TTC again, maybe we can start a thread? If I get the chance, it would be nice to have support during, what I’m sure, will be an extremely stressful time xx

I don't want to speak out of place, we don't know each other, but if it were me I wouldn't let genetic testing hold me back. There is no guarantee this will happen again to your next child. I do understand that if it did, the pain would be unbearable. I am terrified to have another child for the simple fact that anything could happen, be it during pregnancy or after, none of us know what the future holds. This is a risk I a willing to take because the thought of going through the rest of my life without a child is unfathomable, I'd rather be dead.

When I got pregnant I didn't even know if I could have kids. I hadn't had a period for 2 years and realized there was stevia in my protein powder that causes infertility. I stopped using it and for a period for 2 months and on the 3rd month I tried and got pregnant right away. My husband also only has 1 testicle.. the odds were not in our favor but alas my perfect boy was conceived and the best this that ever happened to me. I know I don't have to tell you this because you wouldn't be here if you didn't have the exact same feeling.
Don't give up hope. We will be mommy's again. We have to think it, and believe it deep in our souls. That is all that will get me through this because what else is there?

They’ve told us, worse case scenario is a 50% chance of passing it on, but even with those odds, my husband wants to try at least one more time. I think the stress of knowing it was genetic, would probably hinder my efforts of TTC though. I had a pretty rough pregnancy though and am currently in the process of figuring out why I’m getting such bad cramps throughout my cycle. I had to have an emergency c section and they found 10 cysts on my ovaries and removed 2 and drained the others. I’m hoping my ovaries are just a bit more sensitive and it’s nothing more sinister.

I felt very guilty for wanting to try again so soon, still do. My husband expressed the same feelings and I didn't think he felt that way and I can't even tell you what a relief that was. I am so glad your husband is on board with trying again, it's so important to have that support from your partner.
You have been dealt a really rough hand. You poor thing. It's maddening that people who don't even want kids have them and those of us desperate to have children face terrible odds. Sending you positive vibes and lots of love!

Hey PM, I have been thinking of you.. how did the results come out for your genetic testing? Sending you lots of love!

I’m so sad this has happened to you and your baby and family. As much as I wish I didn’t feel like this I wish I was the only one who did because these feelings should never be allowed to touch people. My daughter died unexpectedly at 8 days, a year ago. I’m 17 weeks pregnant and in truth, it is incredibly difficult. I struggle with feeling happy or hopeful because I feel so sad and fearful that I’ll lose another baby. I often feel angry with myself if I laugh or find happiness for “too long” because it feels like I shouldn’t have been able to survive her death. It feels like a betrayal. And it’s maddening because I am cognitively aware that I can be happy and love other children and it doesn’t mean I love her less or forgot her but it doesn’t “feel” like it’s ok.

Whitley you completely echo my feelings. It has been 92 days since I lost my boy. He would have been 5 months old today. It doesn't get easier. I see a reminder of him in everything, which isn't a bad thing I want to always live and breathe my sweet Macklin. I fear forgetting his stories and moving forward. I don't think it's ok to have moments "happy" or to smile for too long but try to remind myself when the breakdowns come they are brutal and I need to take the moments when I am "ok" and let them last as long as they can.
I quickly realized with my mixed bag of feelings that the most overwhelming feeling was needing to be pregnant again because I simply do not love myself and I feel my compassion for others dwindling because I am so consumed with my grief and the feeling I will never find joy again. I forced myself back into sex in hopes I'd get pregnant before even getting my first period and it was so hard, I cried every time before during or after- super sexy for my partner lol. I felt so guilty and it became such a chore. I did not get pregnant and was devastated when I got my period. I tried again this cycle and once again a fail. I have nothing to live for without my baby and I am afraid I am going to go month after month with no success.
I am truly so happy for you, I know it's scary. I am terrified of the task of keeping my baby alive and not being completely neurotic for their whole lives. I don't think anybody can say anything to help us in that regard, this is our life now. The risk is worth it to me because I can't just go back to my shitty empty life before Macklin. I never even knew something was missing until I had my sweet boy and I can't just return to life as it was it is so empty and meaningless. I do believe we can be happy again with another child and I know I'll love any child, but not quite like Macklin. He showed me true love. He is special. He will always be the king of my heart.

It took 8 months of real trying for us to get pregnant again. I’m sure many people would have told me to wait but I felt this unresting desire to be pregnant again and feel a baby in my belly again. I was miserable. Every month- negative. And I’m in the age group where EVERYONE is having babies. I had 8 friends announce either a new pregnancy or a birth within the weeks following my daughter’s death. I left Facebook and Instagram for that reason. It was too much. All the time being so very sad and seeing how happy they were. I also have a son who was 3 at the time and didn’t understand the concept of having a sister and then she died. Even just last week he said “so after baby brother dies, it won’t be summer anymore, right?” I’m grateful for being pregnant, I’m grateful for my son, I’m grateful I got to have my daughter even if it was just a week but I’m also so so very sad and I just cry. It’s a mess in my head. I have days that I’m not so sad but it’s always there in some way. I have a pregnancy therapist and a grief counselor and I see both every week. They always assure me it’s all normal. Normal, great, but it sucks.

That must be so hard having another child to care for when all you want to do is wallow. Many have told me having another child forced them to get it together and that helped them but I imagine so many other struggles present with that. Some days you just need to be selfish and not care what anyone else needs from you.

I started counseling very early on because I just cannot reconcile things in my head and my boyfriend can't talk to me. He is always there and doesn't run from our reality but he just doesn't have the words and men don't feel what we feel. I know he loves our son but not the way I do and he acknowledges my bond is different and understands I need more from him but he just can't give it. If nothing else my therapy hour allows me to vent about what's torturing me at that moment. I have also been speaking to a grief counselor but I'm afraid to start with that. Most recently I have been trying to hide from my thoughts and go back and forth between needing to see the pictures and videos and then doing everything to look away. I am afraid all the writing assignments are just going to immerse me in my pain. Is your work with the grief counselor a lot of writing? The lady I am working with lost both her children in a car accident so I like that it's someone who really understands and isn't just trained but I am afraid to get started.
I will be 34 in a couple weeks and have a 20 year old step son that I have raised since he was 8, but he isn't my son and I do not have a bond with him like I did my own flesh and blood. I need to be a mama. I feel if I got pregnant I could lean into positivity more for the sake of my unborn child. I feel connected to my lost child when I am in the outdoors and would try to make a habit of just being in the beauty of nature, maybe try to join a guided meditation, I don't know. What the heck can you do to get your mind healthy again it seems like an impossible feat but all I know is I can't live in the head I have now and something has to give.
Never in my life could I have ever seen myself in such a place that I wished for death. I drove by an icey river a couple days ago and just thought I'd be perfectly fine diving in and suffering the couple minutes it would take to have it all be over and I could be with my son again. I always thought depression was mind over matter, how wrong I was.

The notion that my son forces me to get it together is 100% spot on. He needs to eat, play, go to school and I have to make all the things happen, I’m the primary caregiver as a stay home parent. My husband has work to keep his mind busy but it is much more difficult for me. Colton (my almost 4 year old) needs so very much all day and so everyday I have to get myself to a point of being able to take care of him but it’s very different now. It took me months to be able to play with him and smile and laugh with him again. I felt terrible for that but it just felt like a sick joke to me, one child is dead, no laughter, no playing, and here we are enjoying all these things our daughter will never know. Some days it is very hard for me to get myself dressed and showered because, ‘why?’ Who cares? What difference does it make? She’s still dead.
When my daughter got sick, she was transferred to a children’s hospital, and ultimately she died there. The “lucky” thing about her dying there is that our family now receives support for the rest of our lives through the hospital. The have activities and event for surviving siblings and grief counseling for parents. This is where my grief counselor is. It was helpful especially in the beginning because she had access to my daughter’s medical records and knew what happened so I didn’t have to explain everything just more like give my point of view. I’m unsure how other grief counselors work but she does not ask me to do anything. She offered suggestions, journaling and books to help me, but so far she has just more so been a sounding board and helpful in talking me through my thoughts and feelings. Finding different ways to think about things to make it easier in some ways.
My husband grieves very VERY differently than I. He NEEDS people. He needed to talk to people and hug people and be surrounded by normalcy. And he has also recognized that I have “known” her longer than he did. I carried her, I felt her, I knew her for months before she was born. When my daughter died, it was like something in me switched. I was so broken and angry. Angry at everything and everyone. People who held her too long when I should have been the one holding her, she was mine. People who I felt were too emotional, why are you crying, she was MY baby! Angry for all kinds of ridiculous things, that I knew were not things I should be angry about but I couldn’t help it. I was and still am angry at the doctors, so very angry. I couldn’t return to my OB, I can’t go to that hospital.
I have a friend who lost her baby 6 months before I lost mine. Different circumstances. She was born at 24 weeks and septic. She was not going to make it so she only lived 8 hrs. My daughter “seemed” to only have some issues eating, we didn’t know she was sick and no one caught it until it was too late. So even my friend and I feel differently. She doesn’t want photos around her house or her things out anywhere. I NEED my daughters photos and name on the wall and the few items she touched, I need them to be kept safe. I sleep with her blanket every night. For me, not having her things around me feels like I’m denying she was here. I need my son to know he has a sister and to remember her. People are so very different in their grief, I never would have guessed.
I’m 31 this year. I’ve never been a depressed or even remotely sad person. This is a whole different world. I’ve explained it to parents who’ve not lost a child in this way: for me it’s like my daughter went somewhere without me. It feels horrible. My living son gets to have both parents to himself and my daughter gets no one. No parent, no one to hold her or take care of her. I wanted and still go through wanted to go with her. I’ve explained it as, it’s not that I want to end my life, kill myself, or that I’m “suicidal.” I just want to go with her. For me, it’s like she’s in a room somewhere. The room is called “Death.” In my head, it’s not like she doesn’t exist in the world anymore, she’s just in that room, a room I can’t go to. I just want to go there with her and be there to take care of her and hold her. It’s a complicated thought/feelings but it’s the best way I can explain it to someone who hasn’t lost a child. “Imagine I took your child, put them in a room somewhere, and you can’t go there, they have to be there alone.”
Being pregnant has offered me something to look forward to which has helped but it is not the same normal happy pregnancy. It is so very complicated. I have trouble connecting and feeling hopeful about the baby. I struggle telling my son that what happened to his sister is not “normal” and it shouldn’t happen to his brother. We SHOULD take his brother home when he comes. How can I tell him that it won’t happen or his brother WILL come home with us? I’m terrified of doctors, I’m so afraid someone will miss something or not tell me something and I’ll lose another child. I cry every time I have an apt, I struggle even to walk into the office. I’m so afraid of the hospital. I’m afraid I’ll get some nurse that won’t be paying attention that day or a doctor who’s too preoccupied by their own things to take care of me and my baby. My daughter died of group b strep which I didn’t even know could kill a baby, I’d never been told anything about it. All knew is that I was tested for it and the test was negative. So how in the world did it kill my daughter? I’m so afraid of it happening again or of something else that I know nothing about taking another child from me. I even have trouble worrying about my 4 year old. I’ve had these thoughts about how he could die and I would be powerless to stop it. Feelings like I would lose this new baby and end up with no children.
There are times when I feel happy and don’t feel worrisome. It really is like “waves.” I’m ok and then I get pounded by a bad one and then I’m ok again and I get hit with a mild one and then I’m ok and another bad one. And for me, the “ok” is so much less than it used to be. I don’t quite get to “good” or “great.” It is different now than it was a year ago. But just different. Like sometimes I feel like I can breathe and then other times I am just overwhelmed. I describe it as a “hole.” “The hole.” When I’m in “the hole” I am at my lowest. I feel horribly miserable. I feel such sadness and I just ache for my daughter. But she’s there, I’m closest to her in “the hole.” And people might walk by and tell me I need to get out of it or want to help me out of it and as a “normal” person, you’d think I’d WANT out of “the hole” but I don’t. I don’t want to get out all the time because I can’t feel her anywhere else. Maybe it all makes no sense, I don’t know. I’m just trying to find my way.

I can relate to damn near every single thing you said here. I blindly stumbled upon a girl in my small town that lost her baby almost identical to me but they called it SIDS. She told me her story and her daughter's face was partially pressed into the mattress so it sounds like rebreath to me. Anyways us finding each other has been tremendously helpful because we have the same experience, similar in age and I am a couple months ahead of her in my grieving and have made a lot of effort to try and help myself so it allows me to try to reach my hand out and help guide her to things that may help. I always reflect back on the things I tell her and it's absurd because I don't believe a word I say myself but it helps me to feel like I'm helping her. It helps me to hurt for someone else for a moment and I feel like that days she messages me are the days I suffer less in my own pain. For her she cannot look at a single picture, all of her things are shoved into her room they can't step foot in, her boyfriend refuses to talk about it. The day I lost Macklin I needed all things Macklin. We never used his room much but it became his space when I lost him and it was my safe haven when I was so put of my mind that nothing could ease my pain. I would rock in his chair and talk to him. I put a digital picture frame in there that displays all his pictures, his swing and seat still sit in my living room. I don't ever want to stuff him away. I too sleep with his blanket every night and it comes with me when I sit on the couch and sits in my lap all day while I work. I got a tattoo on my forearm of my boyfriend's hand holding the tree of life and I am a part of the tree holding Macklin. It's so beautiful and I try to look at it and remember he is always right there and I will never forget. People will ask what it represents and it will give me a reason to talk about him. One of my greatest fears has been forgetting any tiny piece of our beautiful life together. I too want to live in that hole. It's not that I want to be in pain but at the same time i want to submerge myself in my pain because my pain is in the memory of him and missing him and loving him and never letting him go. I do keep a journal that I write all of his stories and I have been slacking lately because I try to just work constantly to distract myself and that makes me feel guilty, but what happens when the stories run out?
Your husband is so so very different I think than most men. You are lucky he wants to feel. I hate getting the dumb "how are you" texts, or my boyfriend's stupid sister that lives with us (thankfully not for long) has started saying "what's up" when I cry. Are you a little slow? I lost my son. Don't you dare ask me to explain myself to you, dumbass. I also relate to the anger when people say they hurt to. What the hell do you know of hurt? My boyfriend's sister lives in the same house and probably held him 5 times then had the audacity to tell me I'm not the only one hurting or using up the kleenex. Seriously? You had the opportunity to know my son, much more than anyone else and you didn't so don't you tell me for a second your hurting. Maybe your hurting with guilt, keep that shit to yourself. Yes it's dumb. But it makes me so incredibly angry. Early on I got such an outpour of love that I swore to become a better less resentful more patient person but as time as passed I find myself becoming more angry and less and less wanting to be around people and hear their shit. Some people are genuine and say the right things and some are just so clueless.
I have experienced my son's energy many times. I have smelled him once and he let me randomly smell his diaper many times. I know I'm not insane because my boyfriend smelled the diaper too twice. My midwife encouraged me right away to have another baby and I felt awful about it feeling like I am betraying him, but after feeling him so many times I feel he is telling me he forgives me, trying to comfort me, he wants me to be happy. I do feel he would be honored if I had another child to try to just get one ounce of what I had with him. If I had it my way it would just be me and him, no I don't want to die,.I would not commit suicide but I just need to be with him. What if I live to be 90 that's almost 60 years until we meet again and that is unfathomable. This life is just such bullshit, no matter what happens this world keeps spinning and we just have to keep going. I don't know why I get up, take showers, work my job. I certainly don't ever where real clothes, make up, do my hair.. everything is so frivolous who cares? My son lost his life and I'm going to care how I look? I just feel I need to be pregnant for something to matter in my life again. Try to find all the good in that life inside you. It must be so terribly hard explaining this to a 4 year old. All the anxiety of these things can hurt your unborn son, you have to try to find the positive in every day, at least one thing every day to help get you through. I am not there yet so maybe I'm talking out of turn but it's just what I think when I envision being in your place. I am 4 days late but the pregnancy tests are negative so I'm totally mind f*cked right now. What if something happens and I am infertile? What if I get pregnant and I don't make it to delivery? What if something happens to my child at some point in their life.. you never know what you will be dealt. All we can do is live every day in an ignorant bliss and love it up because we truly don't know what could happen.