When does it get easier? When does the sight of a baby or pregnancy not cause tears to fall? Over the past two days, I have been subjected to life’s cruelest of jokes, from lullabies constantly being played while waiting for my husband to be out of surgery, from endless social media pregnancy announcements, to running into a co-worker who is due the same week we were supposed to have our baby. I wanted this baby more than life itself. It has been 88 days since we heard the worst words, “there is no heartbeat.” When does it get easier? I feel so lost.

I'm so sorry, Alexandra. I know how you feel. It might get less excruciatingly hard, but will never be easy.

For me, the difference between crying literally all day long at first and then gradually crying a tiny bit less happened around 3 months after, For me, making a memorial for her helps me honor her, a place to put flowers, nurture her. I loved sharing a body and what we continue to share today, an unbreakable bond. Call me deluded but I maintain a relationship with her even though she is not physically here, she lives on in my heart and in nature. I kiss her photo every time I walk by it, she knows I love her, I tell her all the time. I know she loves me. I know no one could understand this pain and what I'm doing to survive, unless they've also been through it. I hope this helps you. Don't give up.

Alexandra,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was having the exact conversation the other day with my husband. When does it get easier? It feels as if it's a cruel joke every time I see something or hear something that reminds me of my son. We use the sing you are My Sunshine to him while he was in the hospital. It's as if everywhere I look or my husband looks it's there now. I must admit hearing the name Luke was non-existent before we had my son. Maybe it's my own ignorance and I didn't hear it but now it's as if every movie I pick or every show I pick has a character by the name of Luke.

Luke was our first pregnancy, our only pregnancy. We tried for four years and he was a miracle baby. Like you, we wanted him more than anything in this world. The shock and pain of losing him is beyond words.

The only little thing that I'm giving myself, I guess you could call it a silver lining, is every time I hear his name or something that reminds me of him I'm trying to tell myself that it's his way of communicating with me.

Maybe all of these signs we get, all of these images we see are our babies ways of telling us it'll happen for us too. I'm probably foolish for thinking it but I have nothing else to hold on to. This feeling of loss is something we have had to cope with. You don't apologize for it, because you shouldn't have to.

I truly wish I had something more to say that would comfort you. Just know that you're not alone we're all in this together, and we are here to support each other.

Hi Alexandra,

First I'm very very sorry you lost your little one.
To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be totally ok with losing my little one, or with the cruel jokes life throws at me on a daily bases. I had many follow up appointments after I lost her, all scheduled the same days as the prenatal appointments! There were many (many!) tears in that waiting room!... And my partners sister, my best friend, my boss and my GP all had babies within two weeks of my due date... Trust me I know!

I had to learn to try to be ok with myself when I'm not ok. I've sometimes had to tell people if they can be ok with the fact I may not be ok with a situation, like meeting my partners niece for the first time, it made it easier.
Its better than to beat myself up about being upset about things I know will be obviously be upsetting...cause then I'll have to deal with that too.

Somethings are obvious triggers, somethings can creep up on you, and catch you 3 days later when your doing the dishes and you start bailing your eyes out, for no reason. But.. . for every reason, because we lost our most wanted, most loved and most wished for babies.

When we see those announcements, or hear lullabies, it reminds us of that little person we lost. It's going to stir up emotions.

Just know it's OK, not to be ok with everything and It's OK to cry, and be upset by things.
Remember you're only human, and you've been through enough already, so be easy on yourself. ❤️

Alexandra,

I am six years out from the loss of my first child. It gets easier, then it gets harder, then it gets easier again. The crushing waves of despair get smaller and farther apart. I hate to sound cliche, but it DOES get better. Time, crying, writing, reading, support groups, therapy, books about loss, and distractions have all been tremendously helpful coping skills.

For a couple months, there wasn't a minute that went by without me thinking about Ruby. Then it was hourly. I truly still think about her every single day, but the pain is much less intense. It is a "what if" thought," or feelings of guilt or shame that pop up. It isn't usually the crushing weight of empty arms. I can't pinpoint exactly when that change took place for me. Passing the due date was helpful, but not as helpful as others had made it sound. And starting a new year without my baby was terrible. I didn't want to say goodbye to 2014 because it felt like saying goodbye to Ruby.

Honestly, I clung to my grief. It helped me feel connected to her. I started (incredibly slowly) realizing that my grief isn't what connects me to her; my love does. Sounds cheesy, I know, but nothing will make you cheesier than the loss of a baby.

And I have certainly had ups and downs through the years (obviously in a "down" moment right now since I find myself here for the first time in probably a year), but I now know that this feeling will pass in the near future and I will be able to look at her pictures and feel connected, rather than depressed.

But, I can say that seeing someone announce their happy pregnancy, blissfully ignorant to the possible risks for themselves or the baby, that shit gets easier but still stings. I still hate pregnant women (not loss moms; just those naive, lucky ones)...even though I have had rainbow babies. I still don't go to baby showers unless I am close to the person. I send a gift and a card. Honestly, if they aren't close enough to me to understand why I skip, then they aren't close enough to me for me to care to go.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you found your way to Glow. It's awful and you shouldn't be here. I believe that you won't be here forever. My own experience and the experience of many of my loss mom friends tells me that you will find yourself again. When I look back at how I felt for the first 6 months after losing Ruby, I don't even know how I functioned. But I survived it. And I know many others who have. And I believe you will.

Sending love.