Last September I lost my little girl at 20 weeks. She was my first baby. After delivery there were severe complications and I ended up in hospital for many weeks.
I am 39 (40 in February), hoping to get pregnant again. I don't know if I'm emotionally or physically ready but can hear the clock ticking loudly, and crossing my fingers that it is all still possible.
I'm finding these days to be very lonely. I don't feel like I have anyone out there I can truly talk to, or who fully understands what this is like. Two of my friends have had miscarriages but both have other children, and I.. have none.
I moved to the countryside about 4 years ago. Due to long working hours I never got to know anyone in my area, but I had hoped with prenatal classes and baby groups it would be a good way of connecting with other women and mothers in the area. Sadly that was never to be, and since the complications I had after birth, it stopped me from driving for the past year which has isolated me even further.
The other night a few of my 'friends' organised a zoom call. I was excited because not being able to drive to the city, and now Covid I don't see them very often. They also don't visit often.
Also my partner is in work all day and I'm at home with my thoughts as I am unemployed due to Covid and not driving hasn't helped in getting a job either.

All of them on the call have kids, which is fine, but it was as if I didn't exist in most of their conversations.
One of them even made the comment after I had suggested a Netflix show that she was 'too busy being an adult theses days to invest her time in such things', to which everyone else agreed!. I've been sooo angry and pissed off at all of them since. I understand its time consuming having kids but that was so completly uncalled for.
But really I'm upset, because I can't talk to them cause they just don't get it. How lonely its been, not having any friends around me when I needed them, and feeling like even if they where there for me, they just don't understand.
My partner feels like I should just move on, that they're not worth it, and I should cut my losses, which is alot easier said than done, since I've known all them since school. There not bad people, just clueless and only living in their own bubbles.
I've looked for support groups in my area, but there's nothing. I tried the other day to join a local clubs, walking clubs, knitting clubs but even they're now closed due to Covid.
Its been tough, and PMT (which is a double edged sword these days) seems to make everything even worse. That's probably why I'm here today... Just to know I'm just not alone.

Hello Sarah,
Firstly, I want to say I’m so sorry for the loss of your little girl and hate that your part of this tremendously sad club. I’m also fairly new here, as my daughter passed away in August this year. We were given the news she would die at 26 weeks but chose to continue the pregnancy. She passed away shortly after birth at 32 weeks. It’s an atrocious thing to go through and I’ve discovered (unfortunately) that you lose more than just your baby after experiencing something like this. Friends I have known for over 15 years were suddenly MIA once we told them the diagnosis. In the six weeks after her diagnosis, they messaged me once (each), even though I’d update them after each ultrasound. I was so, so angry at them and my husband also encouraged me to let them go. I thought I’d give them another go (I’ve found some people have no idea what to say, so they say nothing at all) so I caught up with them two weeks ago. They said all the right things and seemed sorry when I expressed how sad I was about the lack of communication. They promised to catch up with me whenever they were free (like you I’m not working and I’m not sure of when I’ll be going back), but since then it’s been silent. It’s incredibly disappointing, but I’ve come to realise it’s their problem not mine. I’ve lost enough and I’m not going to feel guilty about losing them or grieving in front of them. Like you said, they don’t understand. Don’t be harsh on yourself and if you need to cut them off, do so.
As for TTC I wish you nothing but luck. I’m so eager to try again (she was my first and I had an emergency c section) the doctor was willing to let me try after we got our autopsy result. I was supposed to get them this past Wednesday, but alas, they cancelled on Tuesday and now I have to wait and miss my ovulation date. Just another thing.
You truly aren’t alone and if you ever feel the need to chat, I’ll always have an ear avaliable.

Be kind to yourself xx

Thankyou so much for getting back to me. It means alot to me to know I'm not here alone. I'm also so sorry you lost your little one too, and that you were given such horrible tragic news during your pregnancy...and that I'm meeting you too here in this tremendously sad club.
Like you, my friends said all the right things in text messages of 'so sorry, if you need us were here' at the time, but I suppose now they've just forgotten.
3 came to visit, the in first few months when I was seriously ill. Though now no one. People saying they will be there for you, when you need them, and actually physically being there are two totally different things.

After I lost Strawberry (That's what we called her), I ended up back in hospital with an infection, which after two proceedors, units of bloods, liters of IV antibiotics, I finally got a diagnoses of placenta accretta. It was rare, life treating complicated, exhausting, lengthly and hugely distressing. All I cared about though was the fact I'd just lost my baby girl, and it was questionable of wether I would be able to have another baby.
The hospital was fantastic and supportive, but once I got out... (after 3 lengthly stays) I needed support from my family and friends. My parents live far away and my brother in another country, so I needed my friends support.
I'm still suffering from vertigo for unknown, (still under investigation) reasons, thus not driving, and most probably PTSD, which creeps its ugly head up when least expected.

I already cut one of my friend's outa my life for being an eejit and using my Whats app pregnancy announcement group to announce the birth of his daughter. It was the month anniversarie of losing our Strawberry, and I was lieing in a hospital bed, after weeks of being pumped full of IV antibiotics, with a balloon up my.... when I got the message. I was truly very happy for him, but I didn't take the platform he used to announce it so well that day.
A few months ago I eventally had to tell my best friend that I couldn't be in her house anymore because her house was too full of baby for me to cope with (she has a toddler who runs her house, and her house is more baby than most!). It's also impossible for me to have any proper conversation with her because he's always by her side and demands ALOT of attention, which, I know toddlers do. She dosn't seem to get it that it breaks my heart witnessing her mothering her child in front of me, and not having my own. I've tried organising meeting her elsewhere and she could just ask his father to look after him for the short time I'm in the city, but no, she brings him everywhere with her. Even on the phone he's screaming in the background, It's really just like rubbing high pitched vinegar in my wounds.

I don't really want to say anymore to any of any them, yet still having laughs and jokes about how their labour's went, and now 'being an adult' cause they've kids is just... Well..... unthoughtful. I too went through labour, I know the pain (and for reasons I won't go into... Intense pain!) Instead I just freeze and don't say anything and they continue as if I don't exist.

You are right in saying its their problem, not mine. I know I shouldn't be getting upset, but it's hard. These are the people I thought would be there for me when I needed them. Just a coffee, a simple visit. Ah well, everyone to there own I suppose....
Rant over. 🙄

Also I know the feeling of everything being posponed. We had to hold off untill last month for various reasons... A whole year and still there investigating things and I ain't getting any younger... But that's another day's ranting. 😉

Thankyou again, and again I'm so sorry to hear of your little ones passing. If you need anyone to talk to yourself please get in contact with me too.
It's good to know we're not alone in all of this and maybe we'll both be blessed with babies and someday get to join a new club❤️

Take care, Xxx

Oh yes, some people can be so insensitive with what they do and say. I know it’s not intentional, but I’d also like to think I’d know better if I was in their situation. It’s one of the reasons I’m terrified to go back to work.
I’m sorry to hear your birth and postpartum experience has been so horrible. It feels like when something bad happens, the universe just drops everything it can at once. When I caught up with friends after Philomenas birth, they all assumed I had booked the c section in. It just felt like a slap in the face as I had told them I’d carry her until she was ready, and they obviously didn’t listen.
Strawberry is such a sweet name. I’ve never heard it used as a name before, but it honestly just brings a big smile to my face and images of a dainty little girl. She is very lucky to have you as her mum and I wish you a continued successful recovery. Hopefully I’ll see you in the TTC group when you’re ready :)

It's so true... When life serves you lemons it often serves you... well, more lemons! And our friends seem to be bringing even more lemons to that already over saturated lemon party!

As far as going back to work, you'll probably find that strangers are less likely to say the wrong thing. It's the people who you think know you who often slip up.
But you may find people who you never really talked to before just open up in ways you never expected, and theres a beauty in making those brief connections.

One thing I was told many many MANY times by my wonderful (fantastic!) grief councillor, was that I wasn't responsible for how other people think or feel. Advice I wish I had taken on, and if I had put it into action sooner I probably wouldn't have written my orginal post 😂
Instead I've have spent the past year repeating the line, 'yes we are devastated, but getting stronger each day', letting conversations move quickly on, denighing my real feelings incase it makes anyone feel awkward. And you know what? I feel shit for it.
So I'm passing the advice to you.
You are not responsible for how other people think or feel especially when you are back in work. Or when you meet that lovely smiley person who hasn't been told or updated on what happened, and asks with genuine joy about your little Philomena, and you feel wrong for filling them in and taking their smile away.
Write this on the back of your hand 'I am not responsible for how other people think or feel' and look at it anytime you get stuck in that awkward moment, or people start talking about things that make you feet awkward or upset.
Remember 'You' have had the trauma, and you don't need to be worrying about what they might say, or think or how they might react to you or if they upset you. They are responacable for that, for their own feelings, thoughts and actions, and that includes their responses to you.
If you want to talk about your beautiful little Philomena, do (which is a really beautiful name, by the way).
If you don't feel up to it, tell them so. If you feel like your having a bad day and can't cope, take some time out. Also don't feel any guilt if your having a good day either, it's stíl OK to laugh and smile (and sometimes cry, even sometime both at the same time!)

You've been through enough without taking on the burden of how they think, react, or what they say along with all of that.

I feel like there's alot of caring and protecting stored up in us first time mammies. So so much, and we never got the chance to use it up for our little ones in this world. It has to go somewhere so I think we project it onto the rest of the world, and try to look after everyone else and their feeling.
Maybe we should use a little bit on ourselves instead. ❤️

Hello Sarah,
I'm so sorry for the loss of you little girl. I lost my Luke last November. I honestly can't believe it's been almost a year because to me I'm still in last November. My pregnancy was our first and only after 4 years of trying. It was perfect, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it was the happiest time of my life. Unfortunately that perfect pregnancy only lasted just a little under 6 months. My water broke suddenly when I was alone at home on a Sunday, and I ended up in the hospital. My son was born just a few days after via emergency csection. He contracted ecoli. Nine days felt like months. We were told the multiple seizures he was having left him with no brain activity and we had to agree to make the decision of taking him off life support. After nine days in the hospital with hope he passed in my arms.
The following little while was filled with messages of condolences. When I returned to work five months later, still feeling like it was yesterday, people tip toed around me and checked up. I find that many people tend to shy away from it now either they feel as if it's been long enough and I should be "moving on" or they just really don't want the sadness around them anymore. A lot of the people who I work with were expecting children at the same time as I was and they all have their children so they still speak about all the experiences and little cute things that are happening with their babies. Well very much in front of me. I feel as if I'm stuck in the past in that moment, and I don't belong in this moment anymore.
I have a lot of friends who have gone silent as well and when they do speak to me it's as if they're wishing the conversation doesn't lead to my son, or if it does come up they politely smile and nod and they look as if they're wishing for the conversation to shift another way.

Like Philomenasmum said, some people just don't know what to say. They're lucky to have never gone through this and can't relate to the level of pain that you're feeling.

I am truly sorry that you had to find your way to this site and to this group. It really is a membership payment no one wants to make and no one should have to make. Just know that you have many ears and eyes here we see you we walk with you and we're here whenever you need to talk. You are never burden, I felt that way and realized on here it's a safe space and you can vent and talk and repeat as much as you wish.
Sending you some love and comfort.

Thankyou, and Luke is a beautiful name also. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Luke, and that we're meeting here also ❤️
I've been a regular visitor here since I found this place on January 24th this year. I was soul searching that day as it was Strawberry's due day. Then I came across some beautiful sad stories and heart felt writings, all about baby loss, and then here.
I never thought I'd write anything here till last week, but I'm glad I did. I'm so sorry for everyone I meet here, and sad as this place is, it is good to know there is somewhere and some people who truelly understand what this is like, and listened to my rantings.
I think I needed somewhere to tell part of her/my story, as it helped me get through another week.
So thankyou to both of you Xxx❤️