The last couple of weeks I have learned of so many new pregnancies from friends and also from people I dont know (like celebrities etc) and I cant help it but feel jealous. I have been so patient so far about us having a family. We have done 5 fresh rounds of IVF one of which resulted in our precious twin baby girls but they were sadly born prematurely and we lost them Decmber 2018. And yet I kept believeing despite the heartache. We also had two frozen transfers last one was this July but no BFP.

So I am standing here today and I want to ask God/the universe/who ever is listening, can we please have a healthy baby too? Not in 5 years or even two but like next month?

I dont want to do another round of IVF as I cant cope with the psychological and physical impact it has on me and us as a couple. But I so want a baby. Why does it have to be so difficult? I read stories of women who lost babies and got pregnant right away and it's like a knife tearing through my heart.

I have been so very patient till now, I tried to reason with it, I tried to accept the fact that we might never get our rainbow but I failed because I want a healthy baby of our own. Is it too much to ask? Am I selfish for wanting a living baby?

Sorry for the rant but it is all too much for me at the moment and my patience has run dry a long time ago but I just realised. Thank you all for reading. :-(

Mary,
I’m not sure if you remember me, but I responded to a post of yours in September of last year. Your story and pain resonated with me then as it does now. We struggled with infertility for many years before and after the birth of our cherished twin girls far too early. We held on to hope, believing if we could have two healthy girls (incompetent cervix was the reason for their extremely premature birth) then surely we could become pregnant again. It was only a matter of trying more fertility cycles, right? Luck had to turn our way. Surely we were deserving after the devastating heartbreak. Within the first year after them, I had two early miscarriages within a couple months of each other. Yet hope continued to surface. For surely, I was closer - I just needed to get the right egg. Unbelievably and sadly, we remain childless and the third year without them is fast approaching at the end of September. We are also pursuing adoption and egg donor concurrently. I never imagined it could be nearly back-to-back fertility treatments for three years, and I would still be without. I’m feeling desperate and frayed trying for a child in all the ways. I, too, tire of being patient, of continuing to be happy for others and heartbroken for myself. My youngest sister is pregnant which confirms I will be the only one in my family with infertility and likely baby loss. Her unborn son is older than my girls will ever be. I’m turning 41 in a couple of days and cannot believe my girls had to die. Sitting in the tragedy, unfairness and suffering with you. And I hope there is some peace and magic coming our way soon. Much love and light to you. -t

My dear t I am so so sorry your journey is so hard. I admire your strength to move forward with fertility treatments after the loss of your twins because I know how hard it is. I am so sorry for your losses and I wish there is sth I could do or say to make things easier for you.

I so get what you mean when you say that after so much heartache we were deserving. I had a miscarriage too in the ivf round we did after the loss of our girls but the following 2 FETs were BFN. TBH I never thought that our FETs wouldnt work. Pretty naive, right?

I am so happy you are considering adoption and egg donor. It takes a lot of heart to do that. I have a friend who is 47 and currently 12wks pregnant with donor eggs. However, I am not in that place yet. I dont think I will be able to move on with donor eggs at least not at the moment. I dont think I will be able to handle the loss of my genetics (at least at the moment I cant but you never know what the future holds). My mentality is suffering and I feel like I will not able to handle that too. Still I am 42 and it is sth that is always in the back of my mind. Adoption on the other hand is very difficult and time consuming and requires a lot of money where we live so it is not an option for us.

What are your plans atm? Do you think you will be doing another round with your eggs and then move to donor? Or, are you currently taking a break?

I stand by you, t, in this difficult journey, I hear you and I so truly hope we will both get some magic so very soon in our lives. Will be praying for us both xxx

I’ve been thinking of you, Mary, and have thought many times to post a lengthier response and check-in. Instead of letting more and more days pass by (time is so strange these days - the days and weeks pass slowly while the months and years since my girls fly by), thought it better to briefly write. That word, *since,* is so sad. Three years and counting since we held our girls in our arms far too briefly as their lives slipped away. Hoping you’ve had some moments of peace, joy, light, love on this heart-breaking journey.

My lovely t thank you for checking-in on me... life has been quite busy around here as we just moved into our new house and tbh even though it was very tiring it took my mind of all things TTC and am happy for that. I try to do my best and not think about it much but I must admit that it is always in the back of my mind.

I hope you had some happy, quiet, calm times too and that you are filled with hope and gratitude. Will be praying for you and your happy ending xxx