This is my first post with Glow, but I feel like I've combed through all the posts in the last few weeks and it's been so helpful to see and hear about other women's experiences. It makes me feel not so alone, so I thought I'd share my story and see if there's anyone in a similar situation or any words of advice.

It's been five weeks since I've lost my baby, and I've been struggling with the trauma of the experience, my grief and the constant questions of why this happened and how I could have stopped it. This was my first pregnancy and everything up to this point was so smooth and healthy. I went through each monthly appointment with my OB and checked off all the milestones. At 20 weeks, we went in for our fetal anatomy scan and all looked normal. Our baby was measuring a bit bigger than his gestational age and I had a bit more amniotic fluid than normal but my OB said that they would just monitor and some babies were just bigger in the beginning. I left a bit worried but figured that it was ok given my OB didn't seem worried.

Six days later when my baby was at 21 weeks, I started feeling uncomfortable. I felt off and had slight cramping but thought it was Braxton Hicks. Then the cramping got more regular. I didn't realize it but I was having premature labor. After just a few hours, my water broke and my son was delivered just a minute later.

At 21 weeks, there was no chance that he would survive. All of this happened so quickly - it was like I was stuck in a bad dream. I never imagined that this would happen to me. I was so nervous in my first trimester as I know so many friends who had miscarriages in their first trimester. Once I passed the 12 week mark, I figured I was in the clear -- little did I know, you're never in the clear with pregnancies. I was so innocent and I feel like I've aged so much in just the last five weeks.

What I've struggled with most is that there's no reason. We did all the tests and everything came back normal -- no infection, placenta and cord were normal. They think it could be my cervix but that measured normally at my 20 week appointment. They won't really know if it was my cervix until my next pregnancy when they can monitor. I've been replaying everything in the past couple of weeks before just trying to understand if I just missed something.

Ultimately, I'm so scared. I don't know why I went into labor early. Is my body just not meant to have babies? Will I be able to have a healthy, full term pregnancy?

Has anyone had a similar experience? How long did you wait to TTC again? Any success stories?

Dear anonymous,

I want to say I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I had a positive success story but I don't. My husband and I tried for four years to conceive, Luke was our miracle baby, like you my water broke early back in November, but I didn't have any contractions. Like you I had smooth sailing until 27 weeks and 4 days. I ended up in the hospital after my water broke and was told my son had to stay inside for as long as possible and right on the 28 weeks he showed signs of infection and I had to have an emergency c-section. I was on a rollercoaster ride for 10 days until we had to make the decision to take him off of palliative care, and he passed in my arms. I still have no reason as to why my water broke they say there is no way of explaining it except I had an infection between the plug and the amniotic sac. no one will ever be able to tell me how I got that infection I never showed any signs of it 4 days in the hospital no signs until finally he got e-coli. When you said "Once I passed the 12 week mark, I figured I was in the clear -- little did I know, you're never in the clear with pregnancies. I was so innocent and I feel like I've aged so much in just the last five weeks." This is so true for me as well.
I wish I had some way of giving you comfort or even and explanation as to why this has happened to so many of us, but I don't. You've found a good place to be, like you Glow has been my sanctuary. I feel like I belong when I'm here, as opposed to outside where everyone seems to have a normal life and full term babies.

If you ever wished to talk more or vent or anything please do. Sending you any peace I can offer.

Dear Luke's Mom,

Thank you so much for responding and sharing your story. It's so hard to think of the words to appropriately capture how much I empathize and grieve with you. I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your son, Luke, and for the emotional journey that you had to endure for those ten days. I am sorry that you also didn't get a definitive answer for why your water broke or where the infection even came from. It's unsettling to me that in today's age that there is so much with pregnancy that is still unknown. And also scary how everything can seemingly be going so well to the complete opposite. I guess it is so hard as every body is different as well as every pregnancy.

Thank you for sharing your story -- truly it helps to know that there are other women like you who have been through similar experiences. It's a club that no one wants to be a part of but glad to know that we are all here to lift each other. I'm always here too if you need to talk or vent.

Dear anonymous,
I have a similar story to share. After preterm labour, probably because of high and fast increasing fluid levels, my baby was born and died at 22w2d. We never got any answers either why this happened. Maybe it gives you some hope to hear that I did conceive again and had none of these complications in that pregnancy. Normal fluid levels, more on the low side, no signs of labour until the right time. I was told to be very cautious, take it easy and rest a lot. I got tested for gestational diabetes early at 10wks and actually had it, that can cause high fluid levels if it is not picked up. I was able to manage it well though and it didn’t cause problems. It was a stressful and scary time, but we got through it. Baby is off to school soon .. it had been a while! Hugs to you and thinking of your baby.

Thanks, Cee, for sharing your story. I have been wondering if it was potentially gestational diabetes that caused the baby and my fluid to be at higher levels than normal. My doctor was going to test me at my next appointment, but good to know that you can pull the testing to as early as 10 weeks.

I'm happy to hear that you were able to have a successful pregnancy afterwards. That gives me hope <3. Aside from resting and taking it easy, did they monitor or do anything else special during your subsequent pregnancy?

The diabetes test would have been repeated every 4 weeks had I not had it at the first one already. I also had ultrasound scans at every regular checkup and level 3 ones with a specialist at 17, 20 and 24 weeks. High fluid levels can be a sign of some anomalies, genetic or not, so they looked extra careful (Which they had done too after I had high fluid levels, and found nothing). I took some supplements, magnesium I think? that should help to avoid early labour. That was it I think .. hope this helps!

Hi Anonymous,

Your story reminds me so much of my own, so I wanted to reach out and share. My daughter June was born three weeks ago today, on October 4, 2020. I, too, felt off and had abdominal cramping on the day before she was born. At the time, I thought the pain was caused by a fibroid. After the pain became more consistent and intense, I went to the hospital, where I was told that my cervix was dilated and that my body was in labor. It was my first pregnancy, and I was 21 weeks along. I had my anatomy scan appointment just a week before, and everything looked absolutely "normal," including my cervix. I went on to deliver my daughter in the hospital after several hours of labor. She was born with her heart beating, and to me, she was perfect. My husband and I spent several hours holding her, singing to her, and telling her stories. We were simply in awe meeting her. We must've counted her fingers and toes dozens of times. Now, whenever I look down at my own hand, I picture her tiny fingers wrapped around my thumb. We ended her birth day by thanking her for making us parents. We knew it was the first day of the rest of our lives.

I've made some peace with the fact that we may never have the answers as to why this happened. Instead, I've tried to look for the lessons to be learned. I had spent my pregnancy in a constant state of worry over what might go wrong. What if I eat something and contract a food-borne illness? What if I laugh too hard and upset my cervix? What if I walk too fast and harm my baby? All this worrying on a daily basis, and yet, something terrible happened anyway. All the worry didn't stop the unthinkable from happening to me and my baby, but it did make it harder to enjoy some of the precious moments of my pregnancy. I've now come to understand that June wouldn't want me to miss out on joy in life. Similarly, I wouldn't want June to live a life full of fear. That's been one of my biggest lessons learned so far from this experience.

So, I'm trying to acknowledge the fear when it presents itself, and then balance it with a more grounding thought. You mentioned that you feel scared about the unknowns regarding being able to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy. When that thought enters my mind, I try to balance it by reminding myself of something good that my body has done before. My body may have experienced unexpected pre-term labor, but it also grew a beautiful baby girl for 21 weeks. My body may have delivered June too soon, but it has also kept me breathing and nourished during the most challenging weeks of my life. It can be hard to find compassion for our bodies at a time like this, but I am trying to be kind to every part of myself, because I know that no part of my body wanted this to happen.

I have a lot of questions about the unknowns of trying again. When will my body be ready? When will my heart be ready? How long will it take to conceive again? What will it feel like to be pregnant again? Will it be a boy or a girl this time, and how will I feel about it? Will I experience another loss? I don't know what the path will be like, but I do know that I'd like to try. I also know that I have a group of loved ones supporting my decision, including my angel daughter. I've found comfort in reading your story, as it reminds me of my own. Thank you for sharing in this forum.

Thank you so much, June's Mom, for sharing your story. It is insane how similar it is to mine. I am so sorry for your loss but am so happy that you were able to spend time with June. It is such an important bonding moment. I often think back to our moments in the hospital holding our baby boy, and I cherish those moments and his photos so much even now.

I imagine that with only three weeks past you that your emotions are still quite raw. You sound like you have such a strong head on your shoulders and an amazingly supportive group of family and friends to help you through. You have such great perspective on your pregnancy and birth and all of it is so true. It took me a bit to get there as I was in such a state of guilt and self-doubt, but I finally saw after a couple of months that our bodies ARE so incredible. Our bodies (and minds) are so strong, resilient and beautiful. Hell, we are able to create the miracles of life that are our sons and daughters - no matter if we lost them too soon or not. No matter what we are mothers and have luckily been able to experience our children for 21 beautiful weeks. I feel so grateful that my son made me a mother, that he brought me the joy of being able to feel his spirited kicks for two weeks and for allowing me to dream about our future together.

I also think all of your questions and feelings are valid. I have had all the same ones in the months after we lost our son, and I came to the conclusion that I simply won't know until I try. My hopes and desires ultimately overcame my fears and we decided to try again about five months after our loss. We're now expecting our second baby. I feel like this time around I am more cognizant of everything that I'm feeling in terms of symptoms but I am not as nervous as I thought I'd be. My husband and I decided that beyond staying healthy and following our doctor's orders, everything else is really out of our hands so we can't stress over what can't be controlled.

If you have any questions at all or just want to talk as you go through your journey at any point, please do know that I am here for you. Sending you much love and care.