It's been a while. How are you mama?

Hi! I am new here. It’s been almost 5 months since my son Augusts was stillborn at 34 weeks. I have been reading a lot here but never posted because I am a introvert and also because of language issues. But I am here. And wishing all and everyone peace. Right now every day is different. Some days I am feeling ok and understand that in the great picture I am just this small small point in the map, that it’s me who is small trough the wanting that he could have stayed. But some days like today I just cry in the bathroom at work, alone in isolation, because nobody didn’t bother to say condolences and nobody asks me how I am, to afraid of my answers, and I work at the same hospital I gave birth to my son and I used to think that people around me are kind and good- but now I don’t think so anymore. It’s sad, but its also place to start. Start with my self, start to be that person I wish I have been to my friend when she lost her baby. So yes, I am counting me in in this week society and hope I can learn end evolve.

Hi Laura. Well done for being so brave to write. I am so sorry you lost your son so close to when he was due. There are no words I have to give you any answers or to even make it feel better, but I just want you to know you are not alone.
I lost my son 3.5 months ago, Today is his due date. I, like you, wish someone had remembered and said something to me today to just show me that they cared enough about me to remember the most important thing that happened to me in recent months. No one has. But the truth is, people do still care. And they don't want you to feel sad or to have gone through this at all. No one would wish this on their worst enemy right? But people just get busy with life and they just forget what's going on outside their bubble. Especially with all this coronavirus scare. It's not intentional to hurt you. You need support and they aren't seeing that. Perhaps they view you as so strong and able to cope?. It's true also, they just dont want to say the wrong thing or don't know what to say. Which is pretty lazy because anyone can work out something supportive or positive to say if they tried!
It makes me very sad to think of you alone in that toilet. But I want you to know - I have been there too. In fact, I still am at times. But it could be the supermarket aisle or a charging room. Or the park. It's all part of the process I suppose and some days are easier than others.
Do you have support or therapy available to you? Personally I couldn't manage without it right now. Just someone to download my crazy thoughts and feelings to and to pour my heart out to in the comfort of a private and non-judgemental space each week is helpful. Are you UK or US based? Perhaps we can help you find an organisation that can provide you with some support. Therapy doesnt take the pain away but it does give you a time to talk about how you feel and you don't feel so alone then.
I just want you to know that someone has heard you. I am listening to you. I have so much empathy for you. I understand how much it hurts missing your son. I understand how lonely it feels. I understand how the world feels like it doesnt care. And I too want to find a way forward through all this and evolve as a person. I am told that all takes time.
Be kind to yourself. It is still so recent that you lost your boy. And if I can help you find a place for support I will try. You have come so far. You are stronger than you realise Laura. You are a very loving wonderful mum. x

Rosie, thank you very much for all the kind words and taking time to write to me! I am so sorry you lost your boy, nobody should go trough this, this is so unfair. You are right about people don’t knowing how to react and being lazy. I don’t want to be bitter or judgmental, but I think it’s just part of the process, it will pass.
I live in small Eastern Europe country and as it turns out we have a little or none official support for bereaved parents. Right now I am on the waiting list for therapy (I called at least 5 psychiatrists and none of them was able to take me for therapy in following months) and also there might be group for bereaved parents soon, I am looking forward to it! So I hope some help to sort my feelings and to get over some bitterness is coming soon.
Thanks again! In times like this, especially with Virus situation all around, I hope I will find strength to be better version of myself. I am already seeing gifts my boy left me. Like caring for others more, not be afraid to ask people how they are.
Wish you all the best!

Hi Laura,
I'm sorry to hear that your country doesn't have the set up to help you. It is bizarre to think that with child loss happening every day for thousands of years that any country doesnt have this kind of support for mums and dads. This must make it even harder for you of course.
I live in the UK. We have a few charities that have been set up by parents that lost babies themselves and some of them operate locally in the city where the parents live. I don't suppose there are any like this that might be able to support you in your country? We have SANDS and Tommys. I don't know if they extend outside the UK?
Also, I have a friend that has lost 2 babies in 2 years to foetal fatal conditions. One at 22 weeks and one at 26 weeks. She is a super strong woman and I have no idea how she has coped with this situation twice but she is a very positive and inspirational lady. I admire her very much. She sent me a link to some books that she found really helpful. I haven't read them. And I'm not sure they're right for me. Well, perhaps not right now. But may be in the future. But I thought I would share them with you. I dont know if they translate into your language. But you could take a look. Or perhaps a book shop or library may be able to help direct you to some books of a similar topic in your native language that could give you some strength to read.
Saying Goodbye - Zoe Clark-Coates - a personal story of baby loss and 90 days of support to walk you through grief.
When things fall apart - Puma Chodron - heart advice for difficult times

My therapist said to me last week that the intensity of the loss of my son will never go away. The intensity of the sadness, the hopelessness and the anger to some extent. But she said with time I will of course become stronger at coping and finding ways to cope and even coping with the triggers that make me so sad (other pregnant women/newborns etc). But she said the thing she feels which helps the most with grief is what 'grows around our grief'. And what we 'grow', essentially 'life', takes a lot of time to build and grow and we must be kind to ourselves during this time. 1 year. 10 years. It is a major trauma we have been through. We are only human and shows how much we care by how affected by this we have been.

I think you seem like a lovely person. That losing your son is making you a better person. You are a good person. Go easy on yourself. It's all so raw and it's only natural to feel so sad. And of course it is a lonely place when no one knows what you're going through. Lets be there for each other. If you ever need to just download or let off some steam or tell your feelings to someone who will be listening then just write and I will always write back to you.

You are a strong woman Laura. You have come so far with so little help. Don't lose faith. Your future will be bright. I pray for you there will be another child. This won't bring back your son I know. You will always feel sad for losing him. But there will be kindness and sunshine ahead. You will see. And I am sure your little boy will be with you every step of the way. Watching above. And smiling on you - thinking what an amazing lady my mum is.

Sending you positive thoughts and strength.

Love Rosie x

Dear Laura,

I lost my son almost two years ago now. I also had named him August, and I think it’s just such a beautiful name.
For a while, this website was a constant source of strength for me, to know we are not alone means so much. With time I have healed a lot, and my grief has shifted and I still think of August everyday. With love, some days with sadness and others with hope. I speak to him on walks and hear him in birds. He won’t ever be far from my mind. I wish you all the strength! Find comfort where you can.

Much love mamas,
Danielle

Ladies! It means so much to me that you wrote. Being able to talk and to reflect is so important! Danielle, I am so sorry you boy is gone. August is such a beautiful name! We didn’t decide on name 100% before birth and called him funny nickname which wasn’t suitable for death sertificate. So after birth I chose Augusts because it’s my grandfather’s name who I never met and it’s rare, and also because another name I had in my mind is pretty popular and I just couldn’t stand Idea to meet real person with this name. I heard father calling his son Augusts couple weeks ago 10 times in 2 minutes and I just froze, I didn’t cry just because there were children around and you know you don’t want scare toddlers. I am thinking of your August and how hear him in birds, it’s beautiful.
Rosie, thank you for encouragement! Thought I don’t know if I will have rainbow baby. I was on strict bedrest for 10 weeks with both my pregnancies (I have toddler daughter) and it is hard. I was strong and determined to do everything I can knowing I will soon have my baby in my arms. Even though I knew that he can come sooner, stillbirth never come on my mind. I counted each day waiting for 34 weeks because it was earliest safest term in my mind and then just 1 day short of 34 days he died of reasons unrelated to preterm birth risks I had (no real reason actually), I was in shock of course. I don’t know how and if I can go trough another pregnancy. I hope I can.
Thank you for hearing me!

Hi Laura,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?
I'm thinking of you.
Rosie x