I should have died the day my son died. Nature dictates I should have bled out and died. Since his death this past 8 years I’ve been able to find happiness, I laugh, I get joy from things, I raise my daughter but I wish I’d have died when I was meant to. When I was alone with my son dead in his crib I wanted to die, i prayed for death. I don’t want to die now, I don’t seek death but I do wish I’d have died on that day 8 years ago. I can’t tell anyone this without being seen as suicidal or crazy. Much of me died that day but my heart kept beating. Sometimes for no reasons it washes over me, just sucker punches me. I wish I’d died too despite all the things I have to thankful for in my life. It’s not my life you know. I just needed to say this somehow I know I wouldn’t be judged. This place saved my life 8 years ago and that’s no exaggeration. I still find comfort here.

Dear Danielle, I dont think there is a mother that lost a child and hasnt done that same thought.... the pain is just unbearable and the part of you that is gone is so huge that you feel that it is impossible to continue living... yet we do... and we are here sharing our experiences and proving that life after loss is possible and so is laugther and happiness... still, there will always be a part of us missing.... always...

It takes a lot of courage to admit that we do laugh and feel happiness after the loss of our babies... admiting it can often feel like letting down our angels but our angels want us to be happy... despite our tears...

Thank you for your post... Sending love your way...

I am sorry for your loss. I have spoken the same words over and over since November. My heart should have stopped when my son's heart stopped. I don't wish this pain on anyone. I have so many people around who have just had children around the time I have. All healthy all happy. I feel your pain and I send you love.

Hi Danielle.

I know my response is a little late. I still come here from time to time and I just felt like I needed to respond.

It's been 2.5 years since I have lost my son and I have had another child since my first son's passing, but it doesn't change the fact that I also feel I should have died that day. I still find myself asking why I"m still here and he's not.

I get it. I get you.

Much love and light!

G's mom