I’m four and a half years out . The pain is softer now most of the time. Of course I’m here tonight so tonight I’m missing her. But for some reason the last few months , when I’ve been asked how many children I have and if they are boys and girls I include my Heidi as if she’s alive. I have two boys and a girl, I say . It’s true but not true. My baby girl is gone to a rare disease. She lived a short life on tubes and monitors until it was enough and then it was peace and passing. It just feels good talking about her as if she’s alive. It’s like she’s real again for a moment instead of a memory. Just wondering if anyone else has done this?

Hi Kim,

Just wanted to support your post and your experience by replying here. Yes, I share my daughter in this way sometimes, especially with people whose minds and hearts are open to it. I find these ‘alive, but not alive’ moments comforting and healing and I quietly say a thank you in spirit to my daughter when they happen.

Mango x

Hi Mango Mummy,

I love the way you think about this. I’m not alone. Thank you!

Hi Kim,
I'm new to this site. But I read your post and it struck a chord. I had to write. You're not alone. I'm 2 1/2 months from my little boy being born asleep at 6 months gestation. I just wanted to say - I do the same. I can only manage to speak this way to strangers though for fear my friends and family will think I have gone mad. I have a little I suppose. I love being able to be the mum of 3 that I so wanted to be. I am of course, I know, so lucky to have 2 children here, alive and physically with me. And I am still a mum of 3. But for a moment I can feel my face light up and he is here 'alive', part of the family, part of my story to that stranger who wouldn't think to question me further. That future that was taken away from us, him, me is suddenly my reality. Just as I so longed for. Just for a moment.
I'm so sorry your daughter isn't with you and I send you my love and positive thoughts.
Rosie x